What a week!

And the Lord saw me through it :)
It was busy and I wasn't in the Word as much as I needed to be and I felt the lack. Now, thank God, I have less demands and more time to spend on what matters most.

My ladies' Bible study is now going through "The Search for Significance" (I had done the study alone at the beginning of the year). We were talking about some of God's attributes as well as the things that God says about us that are true. For example, we talked of His righteousness and that He made us righteous. He will not take away our righteousness that He has chosen to freely give us. I started thinking about the other things that he WON'T take away and I was reminded of this post of yours. It's such a good reminder of who He is! Also, it's good to know what He does do, what He can do so I can also know what He can't do. He can't be unloving toward me. He can't, because that's not His nature and His nature is immutable. He can't make mistakes because He is all-powerful. He can't wait to figure out how to solve a problem later because He is all-knowing. He can't be taken apart, becuase He is unity. Amazing.

I've been confronted a lot recently with questions and condemnation about my faith in God and in Jesus as the Christ. While much of faith is belief without sight, I know that the Lord made me an intelligent, rational being who is capable of investigating and examining the facts and coming to a conclusion. There is one thing that I can't get past with those who do not believe that God exists. If we are all there is and we don't need God, then why don't I meet more caring, joyful, at peace, not angry, unconditionally loving people who believe that God doesn't exist? Why do they all appear (to me, in my limited sight and understanding) so be versions of the angry, sarcastic, self-focused person that I used to be before I knew God? Others ask me to prove God exists by my behavior, I guess I would ask them to prove that He doesn't by theirs.


 

Sukkot - Feast of Booths

Last month my husband and I started taking a class called "Discovering Judaism" at a local temple. I am enjoying it immensely. I've had a few Christian friends wonder why I'm not doing it at a Messianic temple. Honestly, sometimes I feel a little condemned. Well, the main reason is that this class is being offered at a Reform Jewish temple. I take it where I can.

My motivation for taking the class at all is to learn about Judaism. I go to a church (like many) which is heavy on the New Testament. Jesus is a Jew. He celebrated their holidays and followed their customs. I want to know more about Him, so I want to learn more about Judaism. I want to understand the New Testament better, so I want to learn more about the Old Testament. Also, I like learning abou other people and customs. It helps me understand them better and value them more.

This class that I'm taking is for anyone interested, but it especially serves as a basis for those seeking conversion to Judaism (most frequently due to a relationship with a person who is Jewish). The class meets weekly-ish and we have books to read and events to attend. I've learned something fun a new every time and I hope to journal out more of it here.

Last night I attened the first night of Sukkot service. This is the Feast of Booths/Tabernacles/Ingathering, depending on the translation. This was a huge holiday in Jesus' time (during the existence of the Temple in Jerusalem). It come right on the heels of the most solemn days in the Jewish calendar known as the "Days of Awe" or the "High Holy Days" which include Rosh Hashanna (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). These are days of self-refelction and contemplation. After all of the seriousness, they celebrate Sukkot - a week of thanksgiving, joy and rest. It serves to give thanks for the harvest. In remembrance of their agricultural past, they build little sukkot, "booths" or shacks, outside that offer some shade and shelter, but are frail, just like farmers would build near their fields for shelter during the laborious task of harvesting.

At the brief service last night, the congegation first had a picnic outside of the temple next to their sukkah (singular of sukkot). They then sang songs in Hebrew, including part of the Hallel (Psalms 113-188), which is normally read during this time of year. The Rabbi talked about how one of the songs is a prayer to God asking Him to provide us with "sukkah shalom" - shelter of peace. He quoted another rabbi who thought that this referred to the fact that the building of peace is fragile and must be continually worked at. I was thinking that maybe it's reminiscent of those of us who follow the Lord - we live in these frail bodies and we need Him to complete us with His peace ("shalom" comes from a root word meaning "complete" - I'll save my amazment about that for another entry).

There was one song in particular last night that I'd like to know the meaning to. All of the songs were in Hebrew and I guess that's great for those who went to Hebrew school as a kid. The temple also offers Hebrew classes for adults and I hope to take it the next time they star a beginners class :)


***Disclaimer: In the rare event that anyone actually reads this and sees some fault in my understanding of Jweish belief or culture, please forgive me and correct me. I write nothing out of ill-will.

You are God!

You are God!
Most high of the heavens
Creator of all things
Provider of good
Lover of my soul!

You both create and allow circumstances
You let us make our own decisions
For our good and for our bad
For Your glory and for man's

We are hurting, Lord!
We are needy
Destitute, even
Our comfort is gone
Good times are fleeting

Over and over again we choose ourselves
We choose flesh and decay over You
The One who is eternal
Who was and is and will be

We are hurting, Lord!
We hurt ourselves
We hurt each other
And our ever-present foe decimates us

You are the source of all wisdom
All glory and honor are Yours!
You are the source of all good
And your Love never fails.

Ever.

We are hurting, Lord!
Because we don't cry out to You
In our pride we seek power
Our individualism incapacitates us
From loving You and loving others.

We are hurting, Lord!
And You allow it.
You orchestrate it, even.

What will we do in this pain?
Will we go to You?
Be comforted in Your Truth?
Or will be try to fix it ourselves?
Will we hurt another to feel better?

We are hurting, Lord!
I wish I could assuage the pain.
I wish that a word or a look or an act were enough
But You alone are sufficient
And You are all-sufficient

You are God!
You are God!
I love You!
I submit to You!
and I rest in You.

Article from Relevant Magazine

This article is about the topic of gluttony. While it does include some facts, it is mainly an op/ed piece (as are most of the articles on this site). I am thankful that they chose to cover this subject, as it is a sin that I deal with daily.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22316-is-gluttony-destroying-the-world

Angry, fearful and needy

I started this online journal a couple of years ago because I felt I needed a place to write and I didn't really want to have a written, hard-copy journal (fear that someone would find it and read it!). Now, I sometimes I'm afraid of writing here, I mean, this is open to the entire world!

sigh.

So what am I afraid of? Of being found out? Of people knowing that I'm needy/angry/scared/imperfect? I've had people tell me that I don't appear scared, but the truth is that I'm afraid all of the time. I'm afraid of not being good enough (for others, for myself). I know that this fear is rooted in the fact that I don't believe that what God says about me is True. I don't believe that I can do all things through Him who gives me the strength to do them. I don't believe that my body is a holy temple of God - or that I myself am holy. I don't believe that I am worthy to be His servant. This list goes on and on.

I don't believe those things because I choose to believe the lies that I hear in the world. I choose to believe that I'm a hypocrite for saying one thing and doing another. I believe I'm a failure because I failed once again. I believe I'm stupid, irresponsible, unworthy, useless and have no capacity for love or compassion.

When I believe those things I get angry. I get angry at myself because I'm not good enough. I get angry at myself for believing lies. I get angry at others for judging me (real or imagined judgment). I get angry a God for not being my wish-fulfilling genie.

When I get angry, I get sad. When I remain (abide) in that fear, anger and sadness I get depressed.

Depression sucks.

Then, I finally realize that I'm needy. I need to be able to get out of bed. I need to stop focusing on myself. I need to stop crying. I need someone who pull me out, stand me up, clean me off and get me on my way.

I'm certainly not patient, but David's Psalm 40 comes to mind (verses 1-4):

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man

who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

I realize that I am needy of a Savior. To save me from myself. To save me from my "stinking thinking". someone to whom I can go and be renewed.
 
Romans 12:1-2
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
 
When will I learn, Lord? When will I be able to stop the pity party before it even starts? When will I be able to love others and have compassion for them? Come quickly, Lord Jesus, because I need some serious rescuing! 

Lord and King

I found the following blog this morning. The author includes a bit of one of his sermons. The topic has to do with Israel's desire for a king - a god-like king who would rule over them and take them victoriously into battle. I especially like how he writes "But the Bible tells us you don’t need a god-like king when you have a king-like God."


http://thepursuitofmanhood.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

Consistency

I've come to realize that many of my areas of sin and struggle are directly related to a lack of consistency in my life. I previously had major issues with male authority and marriage until I realized that they stemmed from the lack of a consistent father-figure in my life. I hated the notion of "submission" because I had never seen it practiced in a consistent, loving fashion. I have spun my wheels in various areas of spiritual growth because I have chosen not to be consistent in my time with the Lord over these matters.

I was reminded this morning that the life that I now live is one of discipleship. It's not a class. I don't have a bunch of assignments to check off and turn in. I'm not just looking for a passing grade. This is life-long and I have a very demanding Rabbi that I sit under. Well, not TOO demanding - in fact, He does most of the work for me. I just have to make the choice to submit to Him. In everything. Always.

Why do I continue to struggle? When will I give up on having "my way"? When will I decide that His way is best?

Lord, I am tired of fighting myself! I know it's disobedience. I know I need refining. I know one of your goals for me is my sanctification. Help me to stop thrashing against you. Help me rest. Help me trust. You are so kind, so merciful, so gracious, so loving - there's no superlative strong enough to describe your goodness! Without you I am at a total loss. Without you I am totally unable to choose you. I don't even know what I need or what's good for me! Show me your way. Thank you for blessing me and for your discipline!

He loves me!!!

Goal: God-given natual size?

I've had an epiphany of sorts about the place of weight loss in my life, Thin Within and my desire to be a continual disciple of Christ.

The other week on Heidi's "God is doing a new thing" blog I understood in a new way that my overall goal ought to be "discipleship" and not weight loss. On day 3 of the Thin Within book, the reader is suggested to set some goals for the month of study including a weight loss goal, a health goal and a goal relating to our walk with the Lord. Heidi and others have pointed out how the first goal, in particular, can derail our focus, changing it from the Lord and putting it onto our body size. If I am a follower of Jesus, then my goal ought to be to become more like Him, to be His disciple and to submit to His leading in my life. Being at a healthy weight would just be an added bonus. Discipleship is a life-long process and does not focus on any one study, book, program, retreat or short-term, terrestrial desire.

Here's where I come to my personal epiphany. While I understand that, yes, one of the outcomes of this study may be that I shrink down to my God-given natural size, that is not the end goal. It's not like I'll slip on smaller pants and declare, "I've arrived!" And, while I know that this is the message that Heidi and others have been emphasizing for so long, I've still be focused on this end goal of "shrinking down to my God-given natural size". Maybe it's because it's been repeated so much in the books and on-line. Maybe it's just my poor, fleshly understanding. Whatever the cause I have got to throw that out because I see it hindering me.

This IS discipleship. This is not a question of stopping once I've reached some physical goal. I have to stop thinking about reaching my God-given natural size as some end point. It's just not about that. So, from here on out I am choosing to not make that part of my study, purpose or plan. If it happens, amen! If not, my goal and focus (the Lord) never changes. Never ever. He is worthy of all of my time, all of my focus and all of my effort. He is the only One who loves me despite my sin and faults. He is the only One who can make any kind of change in me. He is kind, loving, graceful and forgiving.

I've recently been shown anew how wretched, hateful, prideful and condemning I can be to others. He taught me this in a very merciful way (nearly anonymously) and I can't be more grateful. It was a lesson that I so needed to learn and His grace is abundant. Because of this goodness towards me, I am even more eager to throw off anything that hinders me (even if it's meant to be good) so I can follow Him closely.

I feel so free and so indebted to the One who freed me.

"Relevant" article

This links to an article in "Relevant" magazine about food/body issues within the church.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22198-starving-yourself-for-love

We need some grace! I have got to be the first, as the Lord calls, to share His love and grace with others who deal with these areas of sin and lies. I can't wait for someone else to do it. It's an epidemic!

Fear!!

Why am I still so afraid!?!

What could I do if I lived free of fear?!?

What could God use me for if I wasn't so afraid all of the time?

The thing is, I've come to realize that I fear so many things. They aren't big fears. They are phobias. They don't paralyze me, but they do render me distracted, ineffective and sometimes useless.

Last summer I went though an online study of Thin Within. I lost some weight, and I learned a lot about myself, but I held many things back. I didn't trust myself. Truly, I didn't trust God. I continued counting calories. It was a way to push my limits - rather than eat between hunger and fullness I ate to a caloric number. I let arbitrary man-made numbers control my eating rather than the signals from the body that God gave me.

I've had a real sense of worry, maybe even anxiety, lately and that has helped feed my fears and discontetment. I'm not even entirely sure what the root is and that's the frustrating part. Until I have that revelation I can't do anything about it. I have to sit with my feelings (they aren't bad, just not truthful) and deal with it however the Lord tells me. Lat night He told me that I ought not deal with thm by eating chocolate chips. I'm justified in eating a few, small, tiny chocolate chips, right? It won't hurt. "But it won't help, either," said the Lord in my spirit. So, I put them back in the freezer.

Where does that leave me? I have to choose to rest in God's provision, healing and timing. Treading water and spinning my wheels isn't going to get me any closer or any freer and will just leave me tired.

And I am so tired. I think I'm holding the fear and anxiety (of what!?) in my body and it leave me sore - really, acutally physically sore.

Lord, I don't want to be afraid. Show me what my fear is so I can give it over to you! In the meantime, help me remember that you are my source of strength, wisdom and perseverance. For you, only you, is the glory. Amen.

The treatment for discontentment

Sometimes the Lord makes me laugh!

I was on the light rail train coming into work this morning and I was talking to God telling Him how thankful I am for my husband, my safety and His provision of the train so I can get to work. I laughed when I realized that everything I was thankful for happened in response to something being taken away from me.

Last night I went shopping for new pants for work (this is not the time of year, nor the place, to look for long pants). I've looked at many stores over the last couple of weeks and finally found something appropriate. It was more than I wanted to spend, but God had already provided a generous birthday gift that I used to pay for them. My focus was trousers, but everywhere around me was the allure of other pretty clothes. I found myself feeling discontent for not having the money (or the body) to buy said clothes.

On my way home, my car overheated. I have had a long history of car problems. The car I have is now 14 years old and I'm aware that problems come with age. I was able to safely make it onto a residential street. I called my husband and he came out to get me. We called AAA and had it towed to a garage near our home. Due to my long history of car issues, I begin feeling anxious when I have to deal with car breakdowns. I was so thankful to be able to lean on my husband this time! I am totally capable to calling AAA and having a car towed on my own (I've done it a ton!) but it's so nice to know that I'm not alone.

I live about 15 miles from my job. About 18 months ago my city started running a light rail train system. Now, we aren't really known for our public transportation and it's not fun waiting for a bus or the train when it's 100 + degrees, but the system is there and functioning. The train runs right near my work, but, onthe other end, it's a few miles from my home. So, my husband drops me off at the train stop. I have to leave for work almost 30 minutes earlier, but I can still get to work and that's what's important.

Going back to my prayer this morning, I realized that I was thankful for blessings that I never would have received had my car not broken down. I wondered if God thought, "Yvonne, you're discontent with what I've given you? How will you respond if I take it away?" Much of my response has been thankful - praise the Lord! I've also responded with some anxiousness and I swallowed my dinner whole last night because I was focused on my feelings rather than on the food. Those are areas to observe and correct in the future. I'm just thankful that I didn't use the situation to throw myself into a pit of despair (or the bottom of an ice cream carton).

Sometimes it's so good when the Lord takes something away.

Repent and Return

Acts 3: 19-20
Therefore, repent and return so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord and that He may send Jesus, the Christ appointed to you

In my ladies' Bible study we're going through Beth Moore's Esther. In chapter four we see Jews all over Persia in mourning over the king's decree of their extermination. Moore likened their grief and supplication to the words of the Lord in Joel 2:12-14. God asks His people for repentance from their own way and to love and follow Him.

The area that I need to repent from is demanding my right to having my own way. My long stretch of discontentment all stems from my ungodly expectations not being met. I want to return to the Lord from my own way and go wherever He sends me.

Thank you, God, for Your great provisions for my life. You are My Provider and the Lifter of my head. You are good and only desire eternal good for me. Thank you for allowing times of teaching and times of rest. Your name be blessed. Amen.

Discontentment

I am now two weeks into a period of serious discontentment. I can't stand being here. There are a number of contributing factors that fall into two categories: the situation and my response.

First, the situation. My husband has been without a consistent job for the two years that we've been married (he was in graduate school when we got married).  The other situations that I'm dealing with include my grandfather's prolonged illness, the fact that it's now summer in Phoenix and the fact that life is based on relationships and I must work with people, in and out of the job space, in order to accomplish tasks.

My response: There is what my response should be in light of God's love, mercy and grace and then there's my fleshly response. The pit of discontent that I find myself in is a direct response to my ungodly reactions. While the Lord tells me that "He has supplied all of my needs" I choose to be discontent over the fact that my husband doesn't have a job and that I can't just go out and buy the things that I want (notice I said "want", not "need"). While the Lord tells me that He has a plan for me (and that He has one for each of us) I am discontent that my grandfather is so ill. This is compounded by my financial discontentment in that I can't just pick up and fly to visit him. While the Lord has provided for me friends, a church family, a home and job with a/c I choose to be discontent with the summer heat that He brings to Arizona each year.

It's a choice. I cannot change the situations that I've been dealt, but I do have power, by God's graciousness, to change my response.

I'm so tired of being discontent.

Lord, I choose You know. I choose to bring every thought captive to your mighty throne of healing and grace. No, I choose this moment to do so. I know that in my flesh I am so fickle that I cannot truly say that I'll bring EVERY thought captive. I also choose today to renew my mind, in view of all of your mercies, so that I may be transformed from one who is self-obsessed to one who is walking in the Spirit. Thank you for your lvoe and your grace. Your patience is limitless and your joy completes me.  Amen.

Thank God, He never changes

I have a raging bad attitude today.

I am disappointed in the world, in the behavior of those who say they follow the Lord and in myself for not being the person that "I" thinkI should be. Sigh... I'm also disappointed in a co-worker who, well, doesn't seem to work much.

None of that, however, changes who God is. None of that changes my identiy in Him. None of that changes His loving, merciful and gracious provision for my life. None of it changes the fact that He made Himself the propitiation for our sin in order to make us His righteousness with the purpose of His own glorification.

It's hard to feel down when I know this truth! That said, the world and Satan are persistent. I'm just going to have to hold on that much tighter!

What He did was so Good

In a new book I'm reading, "The Search for Significance", I am working through the chapter about God's answer to the blame game: Propitiation. The first few questions have me look at what God's wrath has done in the past (in the Old Testament, for example). The next activity has me go through Isaiah 53:4-10 and replace the appropriate pronouns with my name. I think it's a fitting exercise on this Good Friday (based on the NIV):

Surely he took up Yvonne's infirmities

and carried my sorrows,

yet I considered him stricken by God,

smitten by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for Yvonne's transgressions,

he was crushed for my iniquities;

the punishment that brought me peace was upon him,

and by his wounds I am healed.

I all, like sheep, have gone astray,

each of us has turned to his own way;

and the LORD has laid on him

the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,

yet he did not open his mouth;

he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,

and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,

so he did not open his mouth.

By oppression and judgment he was taken away.

And who can speak of his descendants?

For he was cut off from the land of the living;

for my transgression he was stricken. 

He was assigned a grave with the wicked,

and with the rich in his death,

though he had done no violence,

nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,

and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

intentionality update

I realized this weekend that over the last couple of weeks I have not been intentional bout much of anything.

I think it started two weeks ago when my husband and I started dog-sitting for a friend of our ungoing cancer treatment. The dog behaved amazingly. She was so cute and sweet and caused us no problem at all. I found myself skipping the gym to go home and play with her. I also found myself skipping time in the Word to play with her.

Also, during the last couple of weeks I have been watching some TV. My husband gives me a hard time about it because I "gave it up for Lent". True, I made a decision to avoid TV, but choosing to watch doesn't make me less holy or less saved. This is a good example of the practive of observe and correct. I actually have found that there's little on the TV that I'm even interested in. I find that I either get bored and turn it off or that I'm disappointed by the end of the show because it didn't do much to build me up. Similar to food, I find that I used to use TV to numb my feeling or fill a void. TV is incapable of doing that. Only God can. Also like food, TV can have its place. There are certain PBS shows I like as well as the occasional sit-com or movie. I just don't need it all of the time. Just like when I began dealing with gluttony, I find that I have a lot more free time when I don't spend it all on TV. I've been reading a lot and trying new baking reecipes (I'm talking myself into trying to make my own puff pastry and mole poblano - both very time consuming items).

So, back to intentionality.

This morning I did a little research on the word 'holy'. I love what I found! One etymology (word history) resource defined it as "that must be preserved whole or intact, that cannot be transgressed or violated". I love it because God is holy. He is whole. He is complete. He cannot be violated. God also calls ME holy and He is the One who preserved me completely, not allowing me to be violated. He does it in me. Praise His name!

St. Patrick's Breastplate

This is an Irish hymn that may have been written in the 12th century. It is a beautiful representation of the author's belief (creed, if you will). It's also a great reminder of what Jesus does for us!

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through the belief in the threeness,

Through confession of the oneness

Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today

Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,

Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,

Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,

Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today

Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,

In obedience of angels,

In the service of archangels,

In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,

In prayers of patriarchs,

In predictions of prophets,

In preaching of apostles,

In faith of confessors,

In innocence of holy virgins,

In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today

Through the strength of heaven:

Light of sun,

Radiance of moon,

Splendor of fire,

Speed of lightning,

Swiftness of wind,

Depth of sea,

Stability of earth,

Firmness of rock.

I arise today

Through God's strength to pilot me:

God's might to uphold me,

God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me,

God's ear to hear me,

God's word to speak for me,

God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me,

God's shield to protect me,

God's host to save me

From snares of devils,

From temptations of vices,

From everyone who shall wish me ill,

Afar and anear,

Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,

Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,

Against incantations of false prophets,

Against black laws of pagandom

Against false laws of heretics,

Against craft of idolatry,

Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,

Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today

Against poison, against burning,

Against drowning, against wounding,

So that there may come to me abundance of reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through belief in the threeness,

Through confession of the oneness,

Of the Creator of Creation.

Blessed be Your Name

I love this song, Blessed be Your Name. It always speaks to me. Today I was thinking about personalizing it, but first I’ll include the lyrics as the are:

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Chorus:

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Chorus 2X

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Praise the Lord! Now, I was thinking about making it reflective of my life. So, the first verse blesses God when things are going well. What might that look like in my life?

Blessed Be Your Name

When I’ve gotten enough sleep

And my favorite praise song is on KLove

Blessed be Your name

The next verse blesses the Lord when things aren’t going well. So, for example:

Blessed Be Your Name

When I get a migraine

And my supervisor is driving me nuts

Blessed be Your name

I could do this for days! Let’s try some more:

Blessed Be Your Name

When there’s money in the bank

And plenty of food in the pantry

Blessed be Your name

AND

Blessed Be Your Name

When my husband loses his job

And my car is not working well

Blessed be Your name

God is good all of the time AND all of the time God is good. The world’s circumstance doesn’t change my God! Now, the last part:

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

When I first heard this song I used to think like many people do, “God giveth [the good] and God taketh away [the good]”. More recently I have seen that God gives His Son, His salvation, His peace, His joy, His presence and His provision (just to name a few) and takes away my sin, my shame, my guilt, my anger, my pride, my hurt and my selfishness. I wouldn’t trade that for anything!

Praise the Lord and try personalizing it for yourself

Disciples Abide

I'm not sure whether my post title is a command or a statement of fact. I think it's both.


In our reading for discipleship class this week we have a large pack of material that touches on several subjects with the overarching theme of "abide" or "watlk in the spirit" (WITS as my friend, Bert says). some of the reading is from one of our teaching pastors, Mike, some is from author Andrew Murray, and some is from The Victorious Life that the pastor found on http://www.bibleteacher.com/.

It talks about the christian life being a journey made up of four parts: seeking God, knowing God, being transformed by God and loving others (because of God). I think of it almost as a cycle (I made this fun little graph of the four points with arrows moving from one to the next in a circle, but I can't figure out how to import it - I'm not too savvy, I guess).

There's so much richness in these reading. Here I'll share some.

"As disciples we need to move from seeking God as one of our options to seeking God as our primary passsion and the overwhelming motivator of our life." ~ Mike Richardson

In a sheet discussing deliverance and freedom in Christ, Mike writes, "We need to deal with the body, soul and spirit of the person in order to bring about complete freedom and 'it was for freedom that Christ set us free' (Gal 5:1). What did Jesus do? - Healed the sick and cast out demons." I appreciate this because it takes a wholistic approach to ministry. Not every ailment is spiritually based ans yet not every problem has a resolution in the physical world. We often need both! (as I do in eating)

The most profound thing that I saw from Andrew Maurry was that God does the work, all we are calle dto do is YEILD, TRUST (i.e. BELIEVE) and WAIT. We aren't to do anything else unless the Spirit moves us. In some ways it seems easy, yet these are three very hard things for humans to do becuase they make us totally dependent on another. We no longer have the control because we've yielded it to Him.  "You are not under the law, with its inexorable DO, but under grace with its blessed Belive what christ will do for you."

From The Victorious Life we were given chapters 10 and 14. It is so rich.

"Victory begins only when struggling ceases."

"Christ can and does give us Victory over all known sin: not gradually but INSTANTANEOUSLY." We just have to learn to live that way moment by moment. It's a process.

"We are neither saved nor sanctified by what we give up, but by what we receive." I am not sanctified or made more holy by stopping to binge eat. I am sanctified by receiving Christ, allowing the spirit to move me and accpeting whatever He has for me. This is blessed news because I still have had the thought that I am made more holy by giving up my life of sin. No! I am made holy by accepting the holy One.  "...we may not, cannot in the smallest degree, share with christ the work of accomplishing any part of our salvation. et so many of us imagine that in the matter of sanctification we must 'paddle our own canoe'."

This little story is cute:
"A little girl of 13 was asked what difference the Victorious Life meant to her in times of temptation. after a little pause she replied, "Before I saw this truth, I used to argue with the tempter, and he usually got the better of me. But now, when he knocks at the door of my heart, I say, 'Lord Jesus, will you answer the door for me?' And when Satan sees the Lord Jesus within, he says, "I'm sorry, I think I've come to the wrong house' - and he flees."

Finally, for today, part of Hudson Taylor's definition of abiding, as recorded in The Victorious Life:

"Abiding - not struggling or striving; looking off to Him; trusting Him for present power; trusting Him to subdue all inward corruption; resting in the conscious joy of a complete salvation; a salvation from all sin: willing that He should be truly supreme."

No TV, spending, greed and my view of gluttony (?)

I think we're ten days or so into Lent, and, therefore, ten days into Yvonne's "no TV time". It hasn't been terribly difficult, but there are times when it's harder. I hadn't planned on watching TV on Friday night, but I was in the living room with my husand, trying to talk to him, and he had the Olympics on. I saw a couple of speed skating races (oh no, Ono!). Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped watching TV and decided, "No more for me!" and I stopped. No big deal.

I observed and corrected. Now, why is that so hard for me to do in eating?

First, I think I'm still believing some lies about food (like "it's a worse sin to eat than to do X, therefore I must suffer more condemnation", maybe). I need to take some time to sit with the Lord and go through these thoughts, checking for their validity. Second, I believe (rightly or not) that there are bigger/worse repercussions for not eating in the Spirit than there are for not doing X in the Spirit. This may not be entirely untrue. If I overeat, it will show in my sluggishness and on my body. If I, for example, watch TV when I said that I won't, what's the harm (given such benign programming as the Olympics)? Hmm, I've got to let myself be still for awhile and let this stew...

So, maybe I condemn myself too much for not eating in the Spirit (this phrase, by the way, comes from 'Walking in the Spirit" or, living my life abiding in Christ). However, I wonder if I don't really hate the sin of idolizing food. I say this because my husband and I have been talking for weeks now about the financial problems of family and friends. Honestly, I have a hard time understanding how/why somebody would think, "I can't afford X, but I want it, so I'll use credit to obtain it." I know this is rampant in America, including among believers. this is something that I truly hate. Why? My childhood was littered with family debt problems. After my father left my mother continued living as she used to (without a job). In part, I know that she shopped to make herself feel better and she wanted others to think that everything was ok. By late elementary, I was answering collectors' phone calls telling them that my mommy wasn't home - she was, she just didn't want to deal. I became so afraid of debt that I refused to get a credit card in college. I eventually did, once I learned that I didn't have to use it. My husband and I are still trying to help my mom deal with her financial issues many years later.

I have Christian friends who say, "please pray for me that God will help me get out of debt," yet they remain in their same behavior. If belief really does cause behavior, then there thinking isn't right. Now, we're told in 1 Corinthians 5:12 (NASB):

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? But those who are outside, God judges.

This is given in a discourse about dealing with sexual immorality within the church. I am extending ti to other sins - if I am wrong in doing so, please correct me. I read that we (believers) are not to judge unbelievers. God will take care of that. We are, however, called to show bretheren the truth and discipline them. Jesus explains the process in Matthew 18:15-20 (NASB):

"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. "But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. "Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."

So, what do I do if a believer will not repent? Becuase, truly, as long as I continue to idolize food and "perfect" body images, am I not the same? Are we unwilling to submit to the Lord and eat/shop/live/talk/walk in the Spirit? Going back several paragraphs, do I not hate being greedy food? I don't have the same reaction to eating unnecessarily as I do to purchasing unnecessarily. I think if I did then I would truly be dead to this sin and no longer submit to slavery of food.

Lord, I am frustrated! Again and again I eat impulsivly. I do not slow down to consider what I need. I don not consider You. I do and then think. I am frustrated with friends who say they long to submit to You in some are of their lives, yet it appears that they do not. Help me to come along side them in truth and love. Help me accept Your truth and love. Help me not to be greedy with food. You said, Jesus, that I am to be aware and be on guard against EVERY form of greed in Luke 12:15. Help me! I want victory over this sin and I want You to have the glory. I just feel that if I hated overeating like I hat overspending, then I would be done with this sin today. Carry me! Thank you, Amen.

Greed verses

For my discipleship class at church they’ve asked all of us to choose a “transformational issue” to work on. I’m fairly certain that means an area of sin or disobedience. So, I’ve chosen “greed” since it’s the area that the Lord has brought me to.

They asked us to create a list of steps that we can take as we move through this transformation. A friend of mine, who is also taking the class, is having some difficult not turning those steps into law. I feel pretty free in these steps and the Lord has already taken me through some of them:

1. Go to God asking for His enlightenment about greed, what it looks like in my life, what scripture says about it, how He views it as sin and what I need to do to repent of it.
2. Once I begin to learn about those things listed in step #1, I will pray as I need help or discernment with any particular greed. I will need to pray constantly as I choose to repent of greed (in thought and deed) as I deal with my physical and emotional responses to the lack of giving in to greed. There will be moments when I am totally unable to even desire to repent of greed and through prayer I will be able to ask God to deliver me.
3. I will ask for accountability in this transformation process. I already have my husband’s support and I can utilize women through Thin within and my own ladies’ Bible study. Additionally, I will use journaling (3 or 4 times per week) as a way to work out my thoughts or feelings as I move through this transformation process.

I think those are solid steps that I can count on. It’s not a law. If I don’t do one or if I have trouble there is no condemnation. The Lord is carrying me. Additionally, they’ve asked us to come up with one verse or section of scripture (I picked 3) that we are to memorize concerning out issue. These are mine (all from NASB):

Luke 12:15
Then He said to them, “Beware and be on guard against every form of greed, for not even when on has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.”

Ephesians 5:3
But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

Colossians 3:5
Therefore, consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire and greed, which amounts to idolatry.

I chose these three because all say something important to me about greed. In Luke, Jesus teaches us that life is more than stuff(ing). In Ephesians Paul says that greed ≠ saintliness. We are saints and ambassadors of Christ to the world (2 Cor 5.20) and as such the world should never think our greed represents anything remotely resembling Christ. In the letter to the Colossians, Paul explains that greed = idolatry. It means that I love something more than the Lord.

So, I’m slowly working on putting all of this to memory – and to practice!

Lord, may all of this been done in Your name and in the power of the Holy Spirit so that You get the glory of any transformation in me and that I may not grow weary in/of the process. Amen!

Eating like a woman posessed!

AARGH!

Truth be told, I haven’t eaten that much, especially in comparison to previous eating habits, but I feel like I’m totally consumed with, well, consuming food. Actually, most of what I’ve had today is even good for me (ok, minus the doughnut at lunch, I’ve had toast, cereal with yogurt and edemame – that’s it!).

So what’s the deal?

The deal is that I’ve got some stress triggers floating around in my brain and in my environment. In the past, I’ve used food to distract or numb myself from the problems. Even though I know better, today I’ve been choosing to go to food rather than God with my problem. Go figure – it’s not working. Now that I am wise to the fact that food is just stuff(ing) it holds no power, real or imagined, to improve my situation.

So, if I can understand that food has no power to help me, why do I return to it? Why do I give myself over to it? Habit? Maybe. I can’t come up with anything else because I don’t even desire it (I desire its imagined effects, but I don’t long for the food itself).

Aargh.

God, I have not been still today. Even in my Bible study I was mentally consumed by other things. Consumed with fear of not getting what I think is best. Consumed with not getting my way. Lord, it is greed and selfishness. This time I’m not greedy for food, but I am using it as a substitute for the things that I really desire in this moment like having my way! I’m not at peace. I don’t have joy. I’m not walking in the Spirit and I’m using food as a means to counterfeit peace and joy. When I pray it and write it out, it all seems so silly. Lord, you are the author of all things True and logical. Thank you for encouraging me to slooow down and write to you about my thoughts and fear. Thank you for helping me to recognize that I am using food as a substitute for other forms of greed and not getting my way. I have so far to go Lord, but I know you patiently carry me all the way through. Amen.

Less aargh. More praise :)

Daily affirmations

"I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!"
Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live

I don't mean that kind of daily affirmation, but I thought that's what they meant when they first told me about it. Three weeks ago I started a new class at church for those interested in discipling others. Each week we go over basic information of our faith (more as a means to share it with others than confirm our own belief) and we have homework exercises to help us confirm what we know is true and memorize scripture.

Last week they began with the Daily Affirmations exercise. They gave us two sheets of 11 affirmations total. Before I read them I though, "Come on, really? Am I going to stand in front of the mirror and make myself believe this stuff?" Fortunately, I don't have to. These affirmations cover basic tenents of our belief: who God the Father is, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit; that I am fully loved by Him; my purpose is to love God and serve him in worship; things of that nature. To me they aren't so much daily affirmations, rather biblical truths. I only wish they had included scriptural references to back-up each affirmation.

As homework they've asked us to come up with five of our own affirmations. I've actually found this to be a rewarding activity. I chose five topics that I think are important for me to focus on, aside form the 11 already given. I also chose to look up Bible references for each to substantiate my affirmations. They are as follows:

1. My spiritual completion is found in Jesus. Even though I may never be complete/sinless in this flesh I choose, in this moment, to live in the wholeness of Him who perfected me. The Yvonne of the future walks in the Spirit continually, so I choose to do the same now. (Galatians 5:16, 25; 1 John 2:5)

2. I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. In Him I have full victory over sin, death, the flesh and the power of Satan. Therefore, there is no room for victim mentality or excuses. (Romans 8:37; 1 Corinthians 15:15; 1 John 5:4)

3. In Christ Jesus I am wholly acceptable to God. He proves that He accepts me by giving me His Holy Spirit. (Acts 15:8)

4. Even though I may not be able to answer "why?" I know that God has chosen me to glorify Him by His perfect will. (Deuteronomy 7:6; Joshua 24:22, Romans 8:33, Ephesians 1:11, Colossians 3:12, 1 Thessalonians 1:14, 1 Peter 1:1-2, 1 Peter 2:9)

5. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. He has made me holy, set me apart, and consecrated me for His presence and good works. Therefore, I choose to treat my body and honor it as a residence to the Holy Spirit. It is not my won; I am to care for it physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

These five affirmations reflect five areas of my life where I struggle believing the truth or living it out. I call these areas: completeness in Christ; victor, not victim; acceptable to God, chosen of/by God; and my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit.

Maybe I'll change Stuart's affirmation to:
"I'm loved enough, I'm empowered enough, and doggone it, Jesus like me!"

Giving myself over

I'm slowly making my way through "Get Thin Stay Thin" by the Hallidays. I really wish the book had maintained its former title of "Silent Hunger" because I think that much more accurately describes their main theme: we all have a silent soul hunger that can only be filled by God and any other attempt at filling it will be fruitless and hurtful.

Chapter 6's title is "Dependence Not Addiction". I've only read half of the chapter so far but it is speaking volumes to me. Let me quote some of it.

"Our authentic need for intimacy, when unment, opens the door to addictions. The word addiction derives from the Latin addicere meaning to give assent - to give up or to give over." (p 123)

I love word studies (I'm a linguist and translator) because they make meaning come alive to me. I am so thankful to learn that the root meaning of addiction indicates that I (willingly?) give myself up or give myself over to that which I choose to control me. You see, most of the time when I hear the word "addiction" used, it always seems like it expresses that the person is not at fault. They cannot help themselves. It's their addiction (said in a whisper). Yet the root word indicates a choice. I can't give myself over to anything against my will. Giving, I'm pretty sure, is always an act of the will.

Of course I understand that many may be genetically or emotionally predisposed to certain actions, but it is always our choice to perform those actions.

The point is: I can't blame food, or anyone or anything else for that matter.

"Addiction results from a misplaced human attempt to satisfy our legitimate, God-given need for intimacy." (p. 124) The Hallidays then go on to write that as we continue ignoring our need for the Lord it gets buried under more and more layers of self-reliance and addiction. I think intimacy becomes really foreign to us, at least to me. Over the last three or four years God has been growing me in this area and it has been hard and scary and painful. As much as I need intimacy with the Lord and with fellow believers, it's often not comfortable, because I'm not used to it. It's much more comfortable for me to make a joke, change the subject or turn on the TV to avoid it. That has been my M.O. for years and I think it will take many more to move away from it.

In my ladies' Bible study we're looking at Mary and Martha this week. I've always kind of felt bad for Martha (maybe because I'm just like her). She, too, believed Jesus, but she allowed herself to get distracted from Him. Maybe she had to go through the same unlearning process as I do - changing her old addictive "do" attitude for a new "be" attitude. Martha needed to learn how to give herself over to the Lord completely. So do I.

***************************************
On another note: I can't believe how much free time I have without the TV. This morning my husband and I did some work in the back yard, did a load of laundry, had breakfast and vacuumed the house before 10am. He's been a good sport putting up with me and my boredom. Last night he told me, "I'm happy to support you in this, but I don't have to carry you through it. You've got to figure it out for yourself." He's totally right. I've got to give it to the Lord and let Him show me what to do with my time and energy.

Giving up

My journal/blog entry yesterday was about giving up (my)self because that is what Jesus taught His disciples in John 15:13. The idea has really rocked my world and it's made me think A LOT about what I'm willing to give up and what I need to give up.

I decided to give up something for Lent. I'm not from a church background that practices giving up luxuries for Lent, but it is something that I have chosen to do a few times in the past. I know that it doesn't have any bearing on my salvation (that was already bought and paid for by Jesus), but I find that it can have a positive effect on my relationship with the Lord (therefore, a step in the right direction of my sanctification - being transformed into Christ's likeness).

Once before I gave up sweets but I am NOT in a place where I could do that without diet mentality. So, I decided to give up TV. My husband and I have only the most basic of cable (because it comes with the Internet) which gives us just 20 channels. However, I still watch an obscene amount of TV. I get up and the news goes on. I come home and the news or some sit-com goes on. On the weekend I watch multiple hours of PBS cooking shows (I'm sure there's a boundary to be set there).

It's too much. Also, it facilitates mindless eating. I know that Thin Within advocates for mindful, no-distractions eating yet I usually choose not to practice it (it IS a choice I make, no pinning the blame elsewhere!).

So, yesterday was my first no TV day. I felt like I had a lot more time in the morning to get ready (go figure). Then, when I got home I was able to do some chores, sit and enjoy my dinner, talk with my husband without distractions and read a good book. Oh - and I also went to bed at a decent time so I wasn't dragging myself out of bed this morning. All that because I didn't watch TV.

For most of my time in college I didn't have a TV so I know how to live without it, but I so easily let myself get sucked in (again, a choice). I'm not being legalistic about it. My husband is free to watch (I won't deprive him of the Olympics). I just choose not to sit there. I think I'm going to get so much stuff done in the next six weeks! And, and, I'm looking forward to longer times of Bible study without distractions.

Now, there is nothing sinful about TV in and of itself (well, the machine itself or the idea of the programming; I'm not going to debate quality of the shows). There is also nothing godly about giving up watching TV in and of itself. The idea behind it is that I need to set some boundaries about my TV watching and it's healthy for me to fast from it for awhile. I just happened to chose to do it during Lent.

There is one part that I will have to really be intentional about ;)
My local YMCA has individual TV monitors with cable on the treadmills. I loved going on Saturday mornings and walking on the treadmill while watching the Food Network programs that I don't get at home.

Hmm... I might just have to step outside and walk in the beautiful 75 degree weather in Arizona. What a thought! :)

1 Peter 1:13-16 (NIV)
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

ψυχην

Psuche. Psyche. Soul. Will. Self. That which makes you you. Pride.


In John 15:13 Jesus says (NASB):


Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.


I was slowly working through chapter 15 a few weeks ago in Greek and I was puzzled by this verse. I expected to see words like "zoe" (life) or even maybe "bios" (physical life). Instead it read "psuche".

Jesus was telling them, and us, that the greatest show of love isn't physically dying for them, rather it is putting aside our wants, thoughts, and opinions for their good.

For me this is revolutionary. I used to think that it was huge that Jesus physically died for us... and it is. However, I've come to learn over the last few years that it must have been so much more difficult for Him to step away from divinity so that (with the purpose of) we could be reconciled to Him. It's totally amazing.

It's also a huge call. I find Jesus asking me, then, if I consider Him a friend. If so, am I willing to lay down my "ψυχην" for Him? am I willing to give up that which has made me me?

Watch where you're driving!

There was a little bit of a learning curve for me when I first was learning how to drive. While other teenagers are off and running, it took me longer to get some of the basics down. Looking back, I know that's because my focus was all wrong. When driving, you have to be aware of your surroundings: the street, the other cars, buildings, pedestrians, etc. when I first started I kept staring at just the nose (the front of the hood) of the car. I was really concerned about where I was taking the car so I was somewhat convinced that I needed to focus on the car itself.

Had I continued in that vein, I would have quickly had an accident. My focus needed not to be on myself (the car) but on what was going on around me. I think there may be a good spiritual application in all of this. If I continue to focus on myself I'm going to miss the things that happen around me and I could potentially get really hurt!

It is becoming more and more obvious to me how self-serving greed is. When I focus on what I want I miss out on knowing the Lord more, on seeing His work, on participating in His will, on enjoying His creation and His people. Even one moment of idolatry can rob me of enjoying Him.

If I could only remember that on a moment by moment basis... sigh. It's a question of perseverance. I knew that the Bible gives us various examples of perseverance and exhorts us to persevere, but I didn't know until today that the Lord gives us perseverance. In Romans 15:5-6 Paul gives this prayer/blessing:

"Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Paul defines our God as one who gives perseverance AND encouragement. That's an encouragement to! I read that Paul is praying that God the Father allow us to have the same mind as Christ Jesus with the purpose that corporately the body of believers be able to glorify Him. What a wonderful prayer! Lord, may it be so! The Lord's work in our lives is ultimately for His glory - always. Thank You, Lord, for your encouragement. Thank You for giving me the ability to persevere in truth and love. Thank You for giving me a purpose.

I started thinking about perseverance because my hospital's thought for the day touches on it:

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. --Walter Elliott

The hard thing for me is being consistently intentional. I know, however, intentionality is like a muscle, it becomes stronger as I continue to use it. It's hard for me to pray for intentionality for the rest of my life, but I can pray that the Lord will help be choose to be intentional in this moment, maybe even in this hour - there's only 15 minutes left of it anyhow! :)

I have one more thought on intentionality for this morning. My friend, Jenny, offered us another driving analogy on Monday. She said, "If you don't want to hit a tree, don't look at it." When I focus on sin I'm much more likely to come into contact with it than when I focus on the Lord and walking in the Spirit. It's good advice. Be intentional about what you're looking at and meditating on.

Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty. -- Doris Day

I work at a Catholic hospital and each day the Spiritual Services Department shares a prayer and a thought for the day. Despite it being a Catholic institution they use a lot of ideas from other faith traditions, as they word it. I really like the quote they sent out (above) from Doris Day. It goes along well with my desire to repent of greed.

I'm reading through "Three Cups of Tea". It is the story of Greg Mortenson, an American mountain climber turned educational philanthropist in Pakistan. It is a lovely story and it consistently teaches me of simple gratitude and how giving is so much greater than greed. I was especially struck by his account of opening a school in the days just after 9/11. In the Balti culture that he mainly has worked with they give fresh eggs as a token of grief. Mortenson tells how many widows in this particular village gave him eggs to take to the new widows in the "village of New York" because they longed to comfort them. What love! What a gift! I have so much to learn.

Now onto Bible study. In my discipleship class on Sunday we briefly touched on Colossians 3:1-5, but I felt that the Lord had more to teach me. This is about putting on the new self:

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry.

If I am in Christ (and I know that I am) then I am to set my mind on things above. Like what? The Lord, His truth, His Word and not the garbage that so easily entangles me down here. Additionally, I am to consider my earthly body dead to greed (as well as the other things listed, but I can only tackle them one at a time!). Furthermore, Paul defines greed as idolatry. Loving stuff. Loving food. Finding meaning and purpose from things created rather than from the Creator.

Christ is my life, Paul says. My life is hidden with Christ in God. the most meaningful thing about my life, my existence, is the fact that the spirit of the God of the Universe dwells in me. That is where my significance lies.

Thank You, Lord for this truth. I'm going to have to sit with it for awhile and let it sink in. Help me to meditate on your glorious provision for me and help me not meditate or idolize created things that we know eventually pass away and rot. Thank you, Lord, for providing me with something new to ponder each day. Keep it coming! Please don't stop until I get this down pat! Thank You for your consistent presence and faithfulness. Forgive me for not appreciating it as I should. Amen.

The Gospel and Transformation

I am taking a new class at church on Sunday mornings that serves as a training course for those who (may) desire to disciple another believer. I'm really quite excited about it since most churches that I've ever been a part of have focused on evangelism and not discipleship. Additionally, I think it will be good for me to look at this basic, essential biblical information so I can know it, own it and share it with others.

I'm also thankful that I am beginning this class with a specific sin issue to deal with. I know that may sound weird, but it allows me to take the information that we're learning and apply it directly to my life in a tangible way. For example, we are beginning with memorizing Romans 12:1-2 (NASB):

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

That is wonderfully good news! I have had the opportunity to memorize it many times in the past and, honestly, most of those times I have just memorized it without trying to apply it in my own life. I know that I do not learn Scripture or scriptural lessons well if I don't have something tangible to apply them to. In those cases I feel that they are good lessons, but vague and I have difficulty understanding how that change can be made in my life. So, all that said, praise God that He is showing me the vastness of my greed, how it affects my relationships and what I will be able to do once I no longer surrender to it.

I also appreciate this class because we begin with the basics of our faith and (re)define terms that we use (like justification, sanctification, etc.). I think it will help us understand more fully and be able to define "Christianese" terms that may be unknown to others. One of the terms that we went over was "stronghold". This word often gets used, I think, to describe a long-term area of sin, a habitual sin or something that is too hard to give up. It makes me think of something binding me. It makes me think of something that I consider more powerful than myself (and what of God, then?). Our pastor included this quote:

Stronghold - to accept as unchangeable something you know to be contrary to the will of God.
~ Ed Silvoso

Is my greed a stronghold? Is it unchangeable in my life? Not according to Romans 12:1-2 above. Neither according to Philippians 1:6:

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

And certainly not in Romans 8:38-39:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Maybe stronghold comes from the fact that I have a firm grip (a strong hold, if you will) on the sin because I find it enjoyable. Or necessary. Or helpful. Or ________.

The gospel, the good news of Christ, the "euaggelion" from Greek, makes the only way possible for transformation. That transformation comes through belief in Jesus, the power of the Holy Spirit and the renewal of my mind. Thank God He already took care of the hard part! Now if I can just loosen my grip...

Yesterday I listened to a sermon that I missed from a few weeks ago at church. The topic was lordship. Honestly, I was at my desk working as I listened to the download so I didn't really focus on all of it. That said, there is one quote that caught my attention:

"The purest form of hate is indifference"

Apathy. Ouch, that smarts, but I know it to be so true. When I know there is sin in my life and I don't deal with it I am apathetic to the command of my Lord. When I hear that there is a need in my community and I don't step up as God leads I am indifferent to His love.

So, am I indifferent, apathetic, tolerant or accepting of greed? Last night I was and my tummy is paying for it now :p

I hate seeing greed in others. Why do I consider myself an exception? Why do I accept it in my life? Maybe it's because it has been a constant companion thus far and it's hard to shake.

Lord, you have given me so many examples of generosity - from family, from friends and from strangers. It is beautiful and humbling. I want to have that same spirit and ability and DESIRE to give freely, holding nothing back. Help me to see the gifts that you give me as tools to be generous to others. Help me to choose, moment by moment, not to be greedy with food. I am so tired of the drive to eat when no one else is around so I can have it all for myself. Lord, my thinking is pitiful. Change my mind, renew it, Lord, as I focus on you, your generosity and example for my life. Thank you. Amen.

***I saw in the thinwith forums today a member's tagline that read Nehemiah 8:10

Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy good food and sweet drinks. Send some to people who have none, because today is a holy day to the Lord. Don't be sad, because the joy of the Lord will make you strong." (New Century Version)

How beautiful! Enjoy good and drink. SHARE. Don't be greedy or gluttonous. Today can be holy to the Lord if I choose to make it that way. Joy from the Lord is my strength. Awesome!!

Surrender

The Lord is so faithful! When I ask Him to teach me He sends a flood of loving truth. My job is to listen, trust and obey.

I continue to go to the Lord for help and understanding about my greed and gluttony. Every day there is something, many things, new!

Yesterday, there were three (at least) very blatant ways in which the Lord was teaching me (make me teachable, Lord!).

First, in the service we sang a song that was new to me. It's called "Surrender" by Marc James. The lyrics are below.

I'm giving You my heart

All that is within

I lay it all down

For the sake of You my King

I'm giving You my dreams

laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride

For the promise of new life

And I Surrender

All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song

I'm waiting at the Cross

All the world holds dear

I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You

For the glory of Your name

To know the lasting joy

Even sharing in Your pain

I've often had difficulty saying "I surrender all" because I know in my heart that I'm not surrendering "all", I don't even know what "all" is. However, it is much more meaningful to me to choose one thing to work on at a time (I find I make much more progress in my spiritual growth). So, if I can choose, in that moment, to surrender my greed then I have found a tangible, workable way to honor my Lord.

Next, one of our teaching pastors, Daryl DelHouseaye, spoke on stewardship. Again, the Lord showed me that my greed does affect others and it keeps me from being a good steward of His precious gifts. Daryl is such an enjoyable speaker. If you are interested, you can go to the church's website and download the message on stewardship (part IV): http://www.gccaz.org/sermonseries.aspx.

Third, my normal Sunday school class/community group was pre-empted by an informational class on discipleship. They asked my class teacher to speak because he and his wife have spent nearly the last 50 years discipling people who desire to grow in the Lord. As I listened I felt the Lord nudging me saying that keeping all of the Lord's goodness to myself was greedy! Spending time just on my own leisure activities is greedy when I consider all of the people who don't know the Lord, or who haven't been mentored to walk in the Spirit. so, I signed-up for the 10-week course on discipleship. Sigh... back to marathon church on Sundays :)

Ok, Lord, You are teaching me and giving me many opportunities to grow. Help me to use these opportunities to their fullest. Help my unbelief and laziness so You are glorified. Amen.

Hoarding

Last January my husband and I went to help my mom to take care of some of her property. she was in financial struggles and was concerned about having foreclosure on her home. Our idea was to clean out one of the structures and sell that part of the property. Praise the Lord, He was good and allowed everything to happen that was necessary for this process - and quite quickly, too. My mom was blessed beyond words by the various people involved in the process. It was wonderful.

That said, the process, at times, was really hard. Mainly emotional toil, but there was a lot of physical work as well. My mom is a hoarder. She doesn't throw things away. She keeps them. She hides them. then, when life gets too busy/hard/whatever, those things become neglected. The structure that my husband and I went to work on was an old one bedroom, on bath shack that sits on property adjacent to my mom's house. It was a total tear down, but first we had to clean it out. It was full to the ceiling with... well, I'm not going to go into details, just know it was full. Everything go thrown into a dumpster. It hadn't been used or cared for, so it rotted.

Moving forward to present day...

Last night I was reading in "Get Thin, Stay Thin" (I so wished the publishers had kept the title "Soul Hunger" because it makes much more sense). There was a section that talked about how things from our childhood may affect our eating as adults. Now, I don't believe in the victimization mentality blame game, but I think that, for example, lack of love in childhood can send us looking for it anywhere and everywhere. That doesn't mean it's right and that certainly doesn't remove the responsibility of our own actions from us, but it does help us explore maybe why we have certain tendencies.

I have a very strong aversion to hoarding stuff. My mom's house has always been "cluttered", at best, and there were many times growing up when I couldn't have friends over because of the house's condition. Now, I'm not a clean-freak, but I don't have "stuff". My husband's aunt is a very crafty person, and her house is clean, but it is so full of projects that I always come home after visiting looking for things to give away or throw out.

Yet, I came to a realization last night that I HOARD FOOD. I do. Not in the packed freezer and pantry sense. No, I hoard it on my body. I see food and I greedily eat it. I want it. For me. I want to enjoy it. If I don't somebody else will eat it and I will lose out.

You know, admitting that I'm gluttonous or greedy is one thing, but realizing and admitting that I hoard is a new, painful step for me. It's good. It's good because I can deal with it and move forward. I'm pretty hopeful, too, because I so loathe hoarding in the material sense maybe that will help me hate in in the eating sense. That said, I've hoarded cookies and candies over the last two days. More than usual. I wonder if it's my flesh wanting to rebel from truth and light.

Lord, thank You for this revelation. It's hard because it shows me to be something that I always hoped I wouldn't become. Lord, I confess my gluttony, greed and hoarding. These sinful actions show that I am not depending on You nor am I trusting You for my provision. Help my unbelief, Lord, so I can truly repent of these sins. Amen!

The ability to be generous

I just finished writing the previous entry and I checked my email. In it, there was a recently sent message from one of my Christian brothers who has an awesome idea about how to bless a financially-strapped sister (due to medical bills).

I was brought to tears by its generosity. Immediately I decided I wanted to help out. I want to give.

Years ago God began talking to me about getting into a position where I can give. Right before I got married I finished paying off my student loans (praise the Lord!), but my husband still has his. We keep talking about how we want to pay down debt quickly so we can "get on with our lives".

Actually, I recently learned that a friend is filing for bankruptcy. It makes me so sad, and mad (not too much, though, because this friend doesn't know Jesus... yet). Last night I went home and thanked my husband for being frugal. I told him that I was willing to be content with our falling-apart couch and my car that doesn't run too well. I'm thankful that we don't have consumer debt. It's not worth it.

I have been so thankful to not really suffer from consumer greed. Yes, Lord, I see how You are orchestrating things so that I can see many examples of greed in this very moment... and examples of freedom, joy and giving.

I know that when I don't have material greed, then I am free to use money in other ways (pay down school debt/mortgage, buy things that I need, give to the Lord, help others, etc.) I really want to help out and bless this sister and I am so excited that I am able to do so.

I don't want to get to the "bankruptcy" state in my love of greed and gluttony. I want to hand it over now. God doesn't refinance. He pays off the debts in full and abundantly gives for ever future need.

What will I have the freedom to do once I no longer submit to the sin of food greed? I can't really imagine it, but it has to be good because it's from God :)

Greed exposed

I was walking around work today and praying about how much I hate greed and how hurtful my greediness has been to me when I realized that I don't really hate greed. So, I decided to ponder the topic to help expose what is really going on in my head and my heart.

What is greed?
I'm choosing to define it (for now, at least) as the ungodly desire for more than what I need or more than what God decides to give me. I chose to add in the second part, because He readily gives me MORE grace, love, hope, joy, peace and wisdom than I may need. Thank you, Lord :)

Why do I love greed?
It feeds my flesh, my wants, my will and my desires. It focuses on ME. My flesh does not want to give up greed because that would take the focus off of ME.
Sigh...but He must increase and I must decrease.

As long as I continue to love greed, the Spirit within me is at war with me. I cannot have peace while I continue to cling to greed - to sin. I cannot and will not see fruits of the Spirit in my life if I continue in habitual, unrepentant sin. The two are diametrically opposed.

I want to hate it because it separates me from God. I think the only way that will ever happen is my submersing myself in the Word and in prayer, by being intentional consistently.
Sigh...it seems like a lot of work.

What am I going to do about greed?
I don't know. I think I need to sit in this for awhile. I know I need to wait until God tells me to do what He wants me to do. Otherwise, I'll wind up spinning my wheels in my own fleshly attempt at getting out.

I feel kind of down, yucky, about all of this. But this is a good first step. I have to recognize and define the problem before I can do anything about it.

God, I am going to wait on You. This is a universally-huge, deep-down, to-the-core sin. It sits right there with pride and selfishness. Thank You that You have brought me to a point of realization. Just as I realized that gluttony permeated nearly all aspects of my life, so does greed. I'm really entrenched in it. I have enjoyed a long stay. Now, I want to be done. I want to be freed of it. I want You to unshackle me. Thank You, Jesus, that your perfect offering allows for my liberty. I have so little to offer, but I thank You. Holy Spirit, invade me, particularly the parts that I have kept from You for so long. Drive this ship - even for this moment. I realize that in every second of my life I am either moving closer to You or moving farther away. Lord, even if it just for right now, I choose to move to You. Show me what You want me to learn and change me. I don't "feel" good about this process, but I know that it is foundational and I trust You. I do. Amen.

Greed musings

I continue to think about greed being a/the driving force behind my gluttony.

Many, if not most or all, of the references in the Bible to greed has to do with material possessions, but I think I can take them and use them for food.

In Luke 12, a man calls out to Jesus asking our Lord to help him get his part of the inheritance that, apparently, his brother is not giving. Jesus uses this as a teachable moment to tell the man, and others within earshot, to be on his guard against all kinds of greed.

ALL KINDS OF GREED. It sounds like food can fall into this category. I have to be on guard so as not to fall into greed. I have to be aware of my circumstances and be ready to react appropriately. That includes being aware of my body. Am I hungry? Does my body need food? If not, what is going on? It also includes being aware of my circumstances. Is there food just hanging out? Do I need to eat it? If not, what else can I do?

The next part of the same verse (Luke 12:15) in the NASB says "For not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions." Wow! Even in abundance of food my life shouldn't be preoccupied with food! Of course, in my right mind I would say that my life doesn't consist of food, but in my greedy mind I have times when I focus entirely on food and body issues.

The abundant life that Jesus came to give me really has nothing to do with physical food. Will I waste His abundant life, and the short time that He gives me on the earth, just to be preoccupied by food? Or, will I choose His freedom, His abundance and His life? It sounds like an easy, clear-cut question, but I still struggle in my flesh against abiding in Him moment-by-moment.

Thank, you, Lord for never letting go or giving up!

Greed

I have come to realize that the biggest sin problem that I am dealing with in regards to food is greed.

Over the last year I have learned so much about food idolization, about how I use food to comfort me and entertain me, about how I replace God with food. I won't say that I've "arrived" in these areas, but I do sense that I've made heaps of progress. I now see that my real sin-rival in gluttony is greed.
Greed for just one more cookie.
Greed for the last piece of pumpkin cheesecake because I won't make it again until next year.
Greed for a dish that I love and I want it all!

I posted on the Thin Within forums that I was looking for resources about greed, and in particular greed and gluttony. I've been trying to go through my Bible looking a greed related verses, but so many seem to deal with money and material possessions. I know that greed is greed, regardless of the coveted object, it's just that I'm having a hard time understanding how those verses mesh with gluttony.
In the forums I was recommended to listen to a talk on gluttony and greed hosted by Mars Hill Church. I have heard it before, it's quite good and I think I posted it previously in another blog entry some moths ago.

So, I'm still looking. A year ago I searched and searched until God lead me to resources on gluttony. I'm certain that He will guide me to the right resources for greed as well.

Anna: the faithful witness

In my ladies' Bible study we're working our way through John MacArthur's "Twelve Extraordinary Women". Some have made a bigger impression on me than others (I think it's those that I haven't really studied before). I really enjoyed the chapter on Hannah (from 1 Samuel). I am also really getting so much out of the Anna section (chapter 7). Here are a few sections that speak to me:

"When she spoke, it was about the Word of God. She had evidently spent a lifetime hiding God's Word in her heart. Naturally, that was the substance of what she usually had to say." p. 134

What a wonderful example! She had the Lord's treasure stored up and out of that flowed glory to God. In church on Sunday my class leaders (in their 80s) spoke of how "getting old ain't for sissies". They said it's harder to think right and study the Word (I think due to fatigue and memory problems), however someone else noted that whatever is memorized and stored away from God's Word can be recalled and meditated on at any point in life. This is a good lesson for me to spend more time memorizing Scripture.

"Luke adds that she 'served God with fastings and prayers night and day' (Luke 2:37 NKJV)... The manner of her praying, accompanied by fasting, speaks of her self-denial and sincerity. Fasting by itself is not a particularly useful exercise. Abstaining from food per se has no mystical effect on anything spiritual. But fasting with prayer reveals a heart so consumed with praying, and so eager to receive the blessing being sought, that the person simply has no interest in eating. That is when fasting has real value." p.136, 137

This gives me a helpful insight into fasting. I have taken a few opportunities to fast in the past, but at this stage in my life I *fear* turning the experience into a diet. I will meditate on this section and look into biblical fasting. Maybe this is an exercise that God wants to carry me through.

"Anna's amazing faith stemmed from the fact that she believed all the promises that filled the Old Testament. She took the Word of God seriously... She truly loved her God. She understood His heart and mind. She genuinely believed His Word." p. 138

How beautiful! I want to truly believe and love God. Lord, may it be so! May I desire You more than anything else!

That which matters

What a whirlwind of a season! As I look back I ask myself, "how much of your activity matters?"

Over the last few years I've really tried to choose to make my celebration time (Thanksgiving to New Year's Day) matter in the eternal scheme. I want it to glorify God.

That is the reason that He created me, saved me, sustains me and teaches me. His goal and purpose is His own glory. And what a mighty thing it is, too.

I have recently been presented with a couple of really good examples of focusing on what DOES NOT matter. Let me explain.

In my hospital we have been caring for an injured and elderly man of vast wealth. In his home country he used to be the head of the nation's security/intelligence organization. When he commanded something to be done, it was accomplished. If something needed to be purchased he had the ability to buy it. If he needed help from someone, he had all the connections he could ask for. In his current medical state neither his wealth, power or network of acquaintances are able to help him. He is left powerless. This has caused severe depression and worsening of his condition. He has depended on everyone and everything except for the Lord, the only One who is truly Almighty and all-powerful.

This example shows me how we/I can be so easily distracted and exchange our source of strength from the One who is everlasting to something that is so fleeting. I am so saddened by this man and so wish that the Lord would gloriously show Himself in someway to the man and his family.

Then, last week, a high school classmate of mine died. Of a heart attack. We're 30 years old.

His story speaks to me two-fold. First, I don't believe that he knew the Lord and I pray that my mom and others who are reaching out to the family are able to comfort them and teach them about Jesus. Second, he was a very big guy. He always was. We always were. His heart was sick: from the lack of Jesus and from not caring for himself. The same thing could happen to any glutton at any time. Sometimes I wonder how much damage I did to myself as a younger person. Sigh...

I can't undo the past, but I can choose to live now (in the present) for Jesus, following His guidance and walking in His Spirit. There is no sadness in Him, only joy everlasting!