Stripped bare?

As I've been studying and learning about gluttony over the last few months and the role that it plays in my life I've seen that it has permeated nearly everything in my life. I have used food for all of the wrong reasons (I've mentioned these in previous posts). And, as I've mentioned before, I now see open spaces (of time, money, emotion, etc.) that were previously occupied by food. I would use food as a distraction, space filler and entertainment so I wouldn't have to feel anything other than good or entertained.

I've found that I have an inner drive toward entertainment, like I have a right to it. For example, I know that my body needs a certain level of exercise daily and weekly, mainly for migraine and back pain prevention. Most of the exercise I do is in a group setting through taking classes at the Y. When I've tried to encourage myself to exercise outside of a class environment I've found that I quickly get bored. I wanted to be entertained. I wanted to be distracted. From what? From work, from effort, from feeling not perfect o not good. I kept thinking that I would buy myself some kind of mp3 player so I could listen to music while exercising (I used to go jogging with a CD discman). I decided not to buy one because I know that the only reason is so that it will distract me and make me "feel good".

So, yesterday as I was driving home from work and the Lord really began talking to me and convicting me of the other things that I use as distraction and entertainment. The main thing is noise. I use noise in every form to drown out my feelings and in order to distract myself from thinking or dealing with not-so-fun stuff. When I'm at home either the TV or the radio is on. When I'm in the car the radio is on. I've started listening to the radio via Internet at work. I talk a lot. I talk to fill the silence. I talk for entertainment. I crack jokes at work to fill the space and to distract myself and my co-workers from hard situations (we work in a hospital and often encounter sad/difficult cases). I USE NOISE, ESPECIALLY MY OWN VOICE TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM REALITY.

In many ways this seems like too much to handle. Tell me I'm a glutton and ask me to live in dietary balance - fine. Tell me that I need to remove noise from my life and sit in stillness before the Lord - that is like telling a flea to climb Mt. Everest, it sounds impossible. Only with the Lord will I be able to do this. God, I don't even know where to start. Help me, Lord, to take every thought captive, to avoid idle speech and to eliminate excess noise, especially the garbage that does not glorify You.

So, it looks like the Lord wants to strip me bare of everything that I've used in place of Him. I think I'd better let Him teach me the lesson now. I don't want to fight this and give Him reason to give me laryngitis :)

Make-over from the inside out

The other week, when we were staying at a hotel, I caught a show on cable about identity make-overs (or, at least, that's how it seems to me). The episode I saw was about a high school girl who wanted to be made over to become prom queen. The girl got a coach (a former beauty queen) who stared her on identity activities. One activity was to ask her classmates to anonymously tell how they viewed her. Some of the negative remarks were that she was angry, bossy and controlling.

It was so interesting to watch this girl. She wanted to be prom queen because she felt overshadowed by her "perfect" (fraternal) twin sister who was, as she said, "pretty", "skinny" and was going to be their valedictorian. It seemed to me that the make-over girl felt out of control because life didn't go as she expected. So, she began to behave in ways that allowed her to "control" her life (being mean to others, gossiping, over-eating, shying-away from others - or rejecting them before they rejected her).

I have been thinking about this show for the last couple of weeks because it SO REMINDS ME OF ME. It's almost painful. I realized looking at her story that mine was similar. I was really angry back then. At everyone. Because of everything. I gossiped and complained all of the time. I was very sarcastic. My sister says I was bossy. I'm sure I was. I tried to take charge of everything (daughter of Eve!).

It makes me sad to think of how I probably treated others around me. However, I am oh-so-thankful to see how far the Lord has brought me. He has taught me so much about Him, about myself, about my place in His kingdom and my role in His will. I continue to pray to be freed up from self-focus, anger, pettiness, jealously, fear and most of all pride.

Thank you, Jesus, for a great lesson!

Child you're forgiven and loved

I'm totally diggin' the Jimmy Needham song "Forgiven & Loved".
If you haven't hear it you can go to this link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmF-s9Dd83g

New support and motivation

Psalm 37:5
“Commit your way unto the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass.”

These last 5 months in my journey out of gluttony have been really revealing. Gluttony, food idolatry and abuse have been an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember. I'm floored by how much that I've learned about myself. It's scary and embarrassing at times. I've used food for EVERYTHING. Food has one purpose: fuel. That's it. I have used it to console me, entertain me, lift me up, motivate me, accompany me and fulfill me. I have been an addict. Since food's purpose is to fuel my body, it has always fallen short of completing me when I've tried to use it for other purposes. That, in turn, has frustrated, disappointed and angered me. when I felt that way I turned to food to make me feel good. Then the cycle continued.

At times it is still so hard not to use food for other purposes. Saturday afternoon I was telling my husband how I felt bored (of course there were 100 things I could do, but feelings aren't always rational) and how I feel like I have so much more free time now that I don't use food to entertain me. He was surprised by that because he has never been like that. (He's a little overweight, but that's because he eats the same amounts as he did as a skinny 18-year-old and doesn't do nearly the same amount of activity- God can work on him.)

I love to watch cooking shows. Our local PBS shows all of their cooking shows on Saturday afternoons. I used to watch them, become enamored with the dishes and then spend the rest of the afternoon replicating them and eating. Food is not my friend. It's also not my enemy. It's just fuel.

I love reading/hearing others' testimonies about freedom from gluttony. There's not a ton of information out there, but I hope to glean any nuggets of wisdom that I can. Here are a couple of things that I've found recently:

http://www.calvarybiblechurch.org/calvary_review.aspx/2005/08/1 :
As we have learned, we all need to eat, and there is a time for feasting and a time for fasting.

I love this because I need to remember that God has ordained both. Jesus celebrated the Feast of the Passover. Jesus also fasted for 40 days. It's not about law, it's about doing what the Holy spirit guides me to do.

http://www.christianadhd.com/lesson1.html :
First--look at ourselves, and accept ourselves the way we are. Overweight, stressed out, spiritually and emotionally drained people. And NOT feel any shame about it. Romans 8:1,2 tells us that we who are in Christ are no longer condemned, for we have been set free!!!!! PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right! I am not condemned. I am fully and totally loved by my Creator exactly the way I am in this very moment. Praise the Lord that He continues to lead me away from idolatry, the bondage of gluttony, shame and anger. I am free in Him.

So, that's some of my new support. As for motivation I know that my ultimate motivation and purpose is His glory - and He has amazingly and gracefully responded to that. I've also had some earthly motivation. Throughout the winter/spring there was a Pound for Pound Challenge that I learned about through NBC. I pledged to lose 20 pounds and lost 18. They, in turn, donated 18 pounds of food to a local food bank. My current motivation is fitness. My husband and I are taking a trip next month to Boston and Bermuda. In Bermuda, I want to swim, snorkel and kayak. I'm trying to build up arm and back strength. Also, for the kayak trip they have two-seaters with a combined weight limit of 400 pounds. We're just below the limit. We want to both lose more so that we are enough below the limit (taking into account clothes, shoes, backpack, etc.) We'll just have to be extra careful of the yummy cruise food!

Thankful

I'm so thankful for my husband.

The Lord gave me a great man to lead me and teach me. He's not perfect, but through that the Lord teaches me and changes me. The reflection of myself and my actions is pretty scary and embarrassing at times, but the Lord allows it for my good and He fortunately gave me someone who can put up with it :)

Last weekend in California for his cousin's wedding we were invited to the rehearsal luncheon. My husband left the directions/address back in Arizona. He thought he knew where the restaurant was so we parked and started walking around, unable to find it. I was so frustrated. It's because I value being on time, I value people perceiving me as competent, I want to show others that I value them by showing up on time and I value being organized. Sometimes my task-oriented values win out over valuing relationships. Sometimes my drive to honor my values proves me to be childish, throwing a temper tantrum in the parking lot.


I used to never want to be married, but the Lord changed my desires. When we got married it wasn't because I was totally enamored by my husband, but because I was convinced that this was what God wanted for my life. I used to feel like there were so many "bad" men and, at times, I have certain assumptions about how my husband will (re)act. For instance, the other week I was making dinner and I wanted to use a can of tomatoes from the pantry. My husband was closer to it so I asked him to pass it to me. I hesitantly asked him because I still have notions that my husband is like men who say "cooking is women's work - don't ask for my help". I was so independent before sometimes I feel like I need to apologize if I want/need help. what I most appreciate about my husband is not that he's a knight in shining armor, but that he's there for the little things. For me, the little things matter a lot.


Marriage has been really revealing to me about my character. I kind of feel embarrassed a lot, but the Lord gave me someone who loves me even though I act like an idiot. Most importantly, the Lord loves me right now.

Renovation

I'm always eager to read or hear testimonials about what God is doing in the lives of others. I found a website called "Renovation" (http://livrite.com/renovation/splash.htm) that's copyrighted in 1994, so I don't know if the author is still in ministry. A lot of it has to do with her own bondage to and freedom from bulimia, but she writes about different eating disorders (which she also aptly calls "sins"), their roots and their ultimate cure in Jesus.

She writes about internal and external reasons for the practice of an eating disorder. I think the ones that I need to be most concerned with are the internal reasons, because I can't stop the external ones (like the media) from happening. The internal reasons are: the possession of a sin nature, free will, lack of self-control, undisciplined thought life and spiritual deficiency. The author says this about spiritual deficiency:

Not always, but often, a person practicing an ED is not praying. She is either not praying at all, or else not consistently. Just like a marriage, or a friendship, or any other important relationship, your intimacy with God is dependent on quality, regular communication. Another common problem is failing to recognize sin as sin. Many Christians, for instance, do not consider overeating to be synonymous with the "gluttony" spoken of repeatedly in the Bible. Such a Christian may be doing very well spiritually and taking dominion over her flesh in many areas, but she's hardened her heart when it comes to her eating habits...In short, a mature Christian, communing with God, conformed into the image of Christ will not perform eating disorder behaviors.

I love it! Christ is living in me and CHRIST IS NOT A GLUTTON (or, as the author says, Jesus doesn't have an eating disorder). The cure for all of the internal reasons is found in the cure for spiritual deficiency. If I am in the Word and constantly in prayer then the power of the Lord will outshine my sin nature, my free will will be conformed to His, He will teach me self-control and my thought life will be disciplined and focused on the Lord.

He is my answer. He is my choice.

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y

We went to California over the weekend for a cousin's wedding. We always bring CDs along for the stretch of desert where we can't get a radio signal. We were listening to an old O.C. Supertones CD and I was impressed anew by the lyrics:

As I was B-O-U-N-D bound by the name of J-E-S-U-S
to V-I-C-T-O-R-Y I am F-R-double E
You are mine, I call upon You
Because you look so very strong
Through C-H-R-I-S-T, through Christ we are bound to win

(They actually spell out the words above)

I have sold myself as a slave to the Lord and I am free in Him. I have victory over habitual sin in Him. There is no wishing. There is no struggling. I AM victorious in Christ. As soon as I believe it, it will begin to show in my behavior.

2 Timothy 1.7
For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.

Freedom from addiction - loss of interest?

There's the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder", but I'm finding that, as I turn away from past addictions and turn towards Christ, He creates in me a new heart and I lose the longings that I previously had.

For example, before I got married I had a pretty nice income and was able to spend 100% of it on myself. I spent a good amount on food. I like to go out to eat, fix gourmet meals, and buy coffee. I grew up in Seattle and I've been drinking espresso-based coffees since I was a teenager. Our hospital has a Starbuck's in the lobby and I used to spend a lot of money there. My reason for stopping that habit was mainly financial. When I got married my husband was a grad student and we both were living off of one income. At first, I often longed for a latte, but as I began changing my habits (drinking coffee I make at home) I stopped missing it. Now, it's something I get only once in awhile as a treat (I think I've had 3 in 2009).

As the Lord continues to direct my food choices I find that I am less and less interested in foods from the past (even the lattes aren't so amazing). For example, I used to LOVE boxed mac and cheese - the orangey-yellow powder mixed with butter, sigh. But now, I don not like it at all. It is no longer yummy. However, in moments of food-lust I desire boxed mac and cheese, fully knowing that I won't like eating it. I haven't bought it in a couple of years, but sometimes I want to. Why? It brings back emotional feelings of satisfaction and comforting.

I mentioned yesterday that the night shift has been a test for me. When I get off of work in the morning I have a huge desire to treat myself to some food as a "congratulations, you survived the night" reward. It has been a struggle to make good choice, but I think, for the most part, I have. This just shows me that I have tendencies from the past to want to reward myself with food. I have to remember that food is NOT a reward. It is fuel to do the Lord's work.

But there are a bunch of other foods, as well, that I used to crave, but now I don't. I think this is growth for me. The Lord is moving me away from the things that are less beneficial to those that are more beneficial. Additionally, I am listening to my body to give it what it needs. Last week I wanted salad all of the time. I think I had salad for breakfast and dinner for 3 days straight. I also craved caesar dressing, go figure. :)

Ephesians 5:15-18
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.

Night shift and Nee

The last couple of weeks on night shift has been difficult, but interesting and enlightening. The difficulty mainly comes from lack of rest. I have been praying a lot about rest and safe driving in the morning (although, praise God, I drive home against traffic). The other area of difficulty has been in the realm of eating. I walk around like a zombie during the day and have very little discernment. During the first week I really found that I was eating a lot. I didn't know if I was hungry. By the grace of God I'm starting to sleep better during the day (dark curtains, a cold room and an eye mask) and I'm trying to wait until I'm hungry (not when I'm bored or frustrated with not sleeping).

The interesting part comes purely from being at the hospital at night - especially on the weekends. There are cases that are tragic, frustrating and sad, but there are others that just make me laugh out loud - you can't make this stuff up! My favorite one is from a couple of years ago: a women came into the ER and her main complaint was "eye crusties" (you know, like sleep in your eyes ). The best part was that, when examined, she didn't have any. The truth is that she had been drinking a lot and needed a place to sleep it off. Maybe we were punchy at 3am, but we busted out laughing. Sometimes you just need something silly to bring you back from a very sad case.

The enlightening part is that I've spent a good amount of time meditating on a few truths in the middle of the night. Our study in Ephesians has been awesome. We're moving through chapter 5 now and there are a number of verses that seems to tell us about how to behave. However, if taken into context with the previous 4 chapters, it is very clear that we are in Christ and then He does the work. It's HIS behavior. The principle verses we looked at we 5.15-17:

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

In Sit, Walk, Stand, Nee then slowly builds an argument for "redeeming your time" (in the NSAB above as "making the most of your time." Essentially, we are to be seated in Christ and let Him do the work, however the time that we have on Earth is brief, so we need to be wise about how we spend the time. We are to be prepared (1 Peter 1:13) for any action that the Lord would like to do thought us. Nee says:

"Those who are wise redeem the time. Just as my fountain pen is now filled and ready to my hand for immediate use, so by cooperating with the Lord, the wise provide God with what he wants: handy tools, instantly available to him."

I want to be ready so that I can participate in God's amazing work in the world. I want to "pickle" in the Word and in great books/music/media that glorify the Lord and that strengthen me in my walk. I think the crux of the Walk chapter is this: "Get clear about the will of God". Understand it - its purpose, function and basic plan.

I've also spent a ton of time listening to Christian radio. It's my company at night when I'm alone in the office. This particular station doesn't play a huge variety of songs, but I've really made myself listen to the lyrics and process them. They've started playing a version of "Revelation Song", which I've loved for some time. It's just about praising the Lord for His attributes. "I" don't come up at all in the song.

God has allowed me many resources to focus on Him rather than on food to get me through the night sift. In the past I would have congratulated myself on surviving the night by buying ice cream. I still want to, but the Lord has freed me from the bondage that made me "feel" like I had to.

Praise His name. Ha shem.