Back from vacation

Whoo-hoo what a trip! We had such a great time. We saw so much of Boston (yes, in spite of the rain - I even have a sunburn to prove it) and we enjoyed our cruise to Bermuda (even more rain). In the following days I'll put up some photos.

The Lord was really gracious to me on this trip. I wanted to use what I've learned in the TW book outside of my controlled life. On a regular day I can control my activity and food portions, but my schedule was thrown out the window (not that I'm complaining). Like I mentioned before, dinner time was especially hard. I didn't abuse it every night, but I'll be honest - I loved every bite of my celebratory birthday dinner at the Top of the Hub in the Prudential building. I loved a lot of things that I ate. I will say, using the TW keys has helped me to really enjoy foods. Rather than eat everything in sight I eat while it is enjoyable and because of that I have more joy in eating than before.

It was also great to spend so many meal times with my husband - praying together that the Lord will teach us how to eat and how to view food. One key we were given was the use of only one small plate at the buffet on the cruise ship (and also simply not attending the chocoholic buffet at 10pm). That helped us limit our portions. They just seem to throw food at you (and drinks, Bingo, the casino and duty free shopping, but I digress). Plus we actually got a lot of exercise walking around Boston and Bermuda.

I'm not living it perfectly, but I'm glad to say that "Yay! It can be done!" I can eat in a mindful, thankful and healthy manner even on a cruise ship. If the Lord can do that in me what can He not do? :)

Hi from Boston!

We're having such a great time in Boston! This is my first trip and we are staying with my sister. We've done a LOT of walking - I'd love to figure out how much. On Monday we walked from where my sister lives, in Brighton, to downtown and we walked all of the Freedom Trail. Very interesting! At the end we scaled the Bunker Hill monument in Charlestown -294 steps. I thought it might kill my husband, but he made it! This trip, in part, is for my 30th birthday. To celebrate my sister treated us to a very nice dinner at the Top of the Hub restaurant on the 52nd floor of the Prudential building. Delicious and the view was amazing!

On Tuesday we visited the JFK Library. We thought it was so informative. That evening we went to a Red Sox game (an 8-2 win over Florida). Yesterday we took the ferry to Salem. The ride was so beautiful! The town is cute, but all of the witch museum stuff is pretty campy (and a little creepy to be honest). We went to one very terrible museum - you'd think a whole town dedicated to witches would have their basic history down. Today we went to Harvard and then walked to MIT. My husband got his MBA from a rival business school so, he wanted to check out the competition.

So....Thin Within. I'm going to be honest. I have had a lot of difficulty eating withing 0-5 at dinner. Breakfast has been fine. Lunch has been just the right amount, but dinner has been tough. I have a hard time wasting food. Also, if the food is amazing (and it IS - like at the Hub) I have a hard time stopping. I would love to post a long list of delicious items that I've tried, but I don't want to trip anyone up on food lust! :) I've had a couple of nights (including today - woo hoo!) however, that have been ok.

I'm a little disappointed because, as I think I've mentioned, there is a weight requirement for one of the activities we hope to do in Bermuda next week. We'll see.

I brought my TW book with me and I'll try to check some of the group posts. Have a great week!

The Body of Christ

I am so thankful that the Lord gave us His Holy Spirit to guide us, unite us and dwell within us. I am glad that He is our paraclete: one who consoles, one who intercedes on our behalf, a comforter or an advocate. It can't get much better than that! I don't have to go to a sacred building, mountain, city or guru - I have access through the blood of Christ to the living God of the universe!

The only way for it to be better is for me to actually go to Him. Praise the Lord, He is living in me! But if I don't maintain relationship with Him it doesn't do a whole lot for me.

I also need to be in relationship with other believers - the body of Christ. This is an amazing gift that we have. Just like our own bodies work to function and keep themselves healthy, the body of Christ takes care of itself. In the same way, if one part of my body doesn't work because it's sick or injured, that affects the rest of my body. Similarly, when we are out of relationship or living in habitual sin we, as 'ill' members of the body affect other believers.

Praise the Lord that our God is the Great Physician. One of God's name is Jehovah-rapha: the God who heals (taken from Exodus 15:22-26). Sure, He heals physical problems, although His ultimate goal is spiritual wellness. As I trust in God to move and change me, He will also heal me. He has already healed me from so much! He has healed me from much anger and bitterness. He has taught me to trust. I now trust Him to heal me from the desires of gluttony and self-focus.

I am so thankful whenever I get to see the body of Christ at work. I have an amazing community group at my church. When there is a need it gets taken care of. I'm enjoying so much the blog posts of the TW study ladies. Who would have guessed 50 years ago that the Spirit would unite the body via the Internet?!

Thank You, Lord, for Your living and active Spirit within me, within us! What a blessing! May I never take it for granted (although I'm sure I can't fathom it's awesomeness)!

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

This weekend I'm leaving on vacation for a couple of weeks. I'll be staying with my sister in Boston for part of the time. If I get a chance I'll blog. Or, maybe I'll just journal and post my thoughts later. The other part of our trip is a cruise to Bermuda (whoo-hoo vacation!). Maybe I'll post some pictures after we return!

And, I'll report on eating 0-5 on a cruise :) Actually, a couple of years ago for my mom's 60th birthday we took a looong cruise through the Panama Canal and I did NOT gain weight. So, here's hoping for the best!

Stepping Up - Psalm 121

Happy Wednesday!

This morning I dropped my husband off at the airport. He's flying to California for a job interview (I hope it goes well!). I'll pick him up tonight.

The second Psalm in the Psalms of Ascents study is 121. It seems to speak from the pilgrim in the middle of his/her journey towards God. The speaker looks ahead and trusts God for guidance. Below is the HCSB version that we are also memorizing for this study:

1 I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber.
4 Indeed, the Protector of Israel does not slumber or sleep.
5 The LORD protects you; the LORD is a shelter right by your side.
6 The sun will not strike you by day, or the moon by night.
7 The LORD will protect you from all harm; He will protect your life.
8 The LORD will protect your coming and going both now and forever.

Here is my personalization and rewrite of this psalm for this moment in my life:

Looking ahead I wonder how am I going to get through this? But I know that the God who made me (and the whole universe!) will help me (in my journey to overcome gluttony and food idolatry). He will guide me every step of the way. In Him there is no accident. He won't leave me, forget me or go do something else. He will protect me with His power and authority. Neither will put-downs from myself nor negative thoughts from the world be able to penetrate Him. He will guard my spirit and my walk from now until eternity.

What I love about this psalm is that it is about the journey, not the arrival

Stepping Up homework week one

In the ladies' Bible study that I attend on Monday nights when we do Beth Moore studies we spend twice the amount of weeks that she writes. For example, in the Stepping Up series, which is 6 weeks long, we'll spend about 12 weeks. This is because in one week we'll watch the video, then we'll spend the next week doing the homework and we'll go over the homework as a group on the following Monday. So, last night we went over our homework for the first week, including Psalms 120 and 121.

The Stepping Up series is about pilgrimage with God and toward God. I thinks it's so apropos for this time in my life including the TW study. I wanted to include some of Beth's quotes from just the first week of study that I think resonate with the TW study.

"This study is about going from here to there."

"[We] are going to learn to worship God with out whole hearts - whatever their present conditions -as we pick up our weary, blistered feet and take the next step with God."

"Sometimes the best motivation we'll ever have for going someplace new is distress over someplace old...Could you characterize your present season as distressing in any way? If so, have you called to the Lord and told Him all about it? He certainly already knows, but God's first priority is relationship, not just emergency response."

"We will never go anywhere God has abandoned precisely because He will never abandon us."

"I don't sit over [my grandson] impatiently and wish he were suddenly grown. I celebrate every step he takes. Why do we think our Heavenly father, who designed our bodies, souls and spirits to operate just as they do, would be any different?...I am convinced God thoroughly relishes every hint of maturity even if we feel as if we're not making progress."

These words are encouraging! To me, at least :)

Chapter 2 of Thin Within

I truly believe that the Lord has lead me to the TW study at just this very moment in time. One of the focuses already is FREEDOM IN CHRIST. This is an amazing, wonderful, miraculous, awesome, humbling and eternal Truth. Christ loves me exactly as I am in this moment. There is NO CONDEMNATION. These things seem basic to me now, but in years past I didn't understand them.

My mom has called me a perfectionist. I do try really hard at things and I want my effort to be fruitful. That sounds ok, right? I've also had moments of hissy-fits when things don't go my way and I am my own harshest critic (I had originally written "hardest", but I think "harshest" is the more accurate term). I have a bit of an extremist personality - all or nothing. For me, my performance mattered a lot (and, at times, it still matters to me).

During my first several years as a Christian in high school and then in college I heard a lot about grace, but I didn't know how to give it balance in my life. Either I would allow no room for grace and I wore myself out trying to live the Christian life, or I gave so much room to grace that my behavior was null and void.

I then began to learn about living the Christian life from the Bible's perspective. Take Romans 6 (I've copied it from biblegateway.com, NIV):

1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. 15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Because I am alive in Christ I am dead to sin. Life and death. The two are not compatible. Ok, that makes sense, but how (as Beth Moore says) "do I do the thing"? How do I not choose sin? How do I choose Him, His will, His way?

Ephesians 1:11-14
11In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.

It sounds like I don't do anything. It sounds like I was predestined, I was included, I was marked with a seal. The only thing I did was believe. The rest was done for me by God Himself. The truth is, I am totally unable to live the Christian life. My flesh doesn't believe in freedom because of its bondage to sin. My flesh can't grasp grace because it only knows performance. Me, Yvonne, I am incapable of doing anything that the Lord calls me to. HOWEVER, I have the Spirit of the God of the universe dwelling in me. He is my hope and ability:

Colossians 1:27
To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

A recent study through Ephesians has helped me understand that it is all about what God has done, what He continues to do and what He will do with me. He only asks me to believe (the right stuff, of course!)

Ephesians 2:1-10
1As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. 4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Psalm 120

I mentioned a few days ago that while doing the on-line TW study I am simultaneously in a ladies' study about the Psalms of Ascents (Psalms 120-134). I am amazed that the Lord put me in both studies at the same time because they both deal with making pilgrimage, or going on a journey with the Lord.

During the first week of this Beth Moore study we look at Psalms 120 and 121. For each psalm that we study we have a three part exercise. First we read the psalm (in a couple of versions - Beth is having us mainly study out of the Holman Christian Standard Bible (I didn't even know that this version existed - I only found it today on Biblegateway.com) as well as another version. Then, we study it deeper (work it, as she calls it) and then we pray it. We finish by rewriting the psalm in a personal way.

To start, here's Psalm 120 in the HCSB

In my distress I called to the LORD, and He answered me:
"LORD, deliver me from lying lips and a deceitful tongue."
What will He give you, and what will He do to you, you deceitful tongue?
A warrior's sharp arrows, with burning charcoal!
What misery that I have stayed in Meshech, that I have lived among the tents of Kedar!
I have lived too long with those who hate peace.
I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war.

Since I am doing this study at the same time I'm studying TW I've decided to rewrite the Psalms reflecting my journey away from gluttony. I'll share my personal rewrites as long as I'm not too embarrassed :) So, here's my 120:

God, I am sick of myself and I need you to free me. Free me from the lies I tell myself.

What good will they do me? What benefit will I gain by believing these put0downs and lies about the Lord's truth?

Pain, suffering, prolonged misery and time spent without the Lord.

I am so far from Your truth when I am wrapped up in myself.

My spirit wars with my flesh. When my spirit speaks truth, by flesh comes back with lies.

In our study we learned that Psalm 120 is a song looking a Jerusalem while far off, hoping to make the pilgrimage to the City of the Lord. For me, my rewrite represents the place I am starting on my journey towards the Lord, leaving behind gluttony and rebellion.

Thank you, Lord, that You've provided these studies so perfectly together!

I don't wanna

I am in a serious place of "I don't wanna". I think I've been in it for about 2 weeks. I keep fighting it, trying to keep it going, but it's like I'm dragging myself through quick sand.

Did you have senior-itis in high school or university? You were so close to meeting a goal after so much time AND vacation that you just didn't want to do any more? I am so there.

First, I have had vacation mentality for a couple of weeks. Wednesday was my birthday and on the 14th we leave for a 2 week vacation. It's hard to motivate myself to do work at my job and to do things around the house.

Second, even though I've never read Thin Within before, I've read a lot about it on blogs over the last 5-6 months and I've been working on practicing the 0-5 eating (which comes and goes) and exercising. I've gone down by about 10% of my weight (yay), but the lazy part of me gets tripped up when I hit a plateau. Lazy Yvonne wants to lay on the couch and watch TV :

Third, my husband is interviewing for a job that would move us to another state - much closer to the ocean than Phoenix - and I'm already dreaming about it (...no desert, rolling hills, crashing waves, greenery, cool breezes...)

That's where my mind WANTS to be. However, just as we're learning from the Thin Within book, I need to put my mind on Christ in the present. Not looking ahead at what may or may not be, not looking to the past, but focusing on NOW. There is only one June 5th 2009 in the all of eternity. Why waste it?

Lord, help me to focus on You in the present. This moment is all I have. Show me how to spend it in a way that glorifies You and takes the focus off of myself and my desires. Wherever You take me Lord, You are there already and I want to be willing to follow Your lead. In Psalm 119:105 the psalmist said, "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." You give me a light for my feet so I know which step to take next, rather than giving me a flood lamp to show me the whole route. You are trustworthy, Lord. Help my lazy unbelief!

Oh God, You are my God and I will ever praise You.

I will seek You in the morning and I will learn to walk in Your ways

And step by step You'll lead me and I will follow You all of my days.

Hidden eating

One thing that I've started to notice over the past several months is my inclination to eat alone. I've realized that I've done a lot of hidden eating in my life.

I didn't know that I was doing it most of the time. I didn't even know I had a tendency towards it. When I lived in Spain in college I lived with a wonderful family. I was included in every aspect of their daily lives, which was so fun, but the change in meal times was really hard on me. I found that, typically, the Spanish have a light breakfast (coffee, bread, breakfast cookies) before school/work and then have lunch around 2-3pm. Dinner is LATE - around 9pm, but my family often ate at 10pm (later on weekends).

I couldn't go 8 hours between meals, but that's when everyone else ate. My Spanish "mom", María, always made me lunch to take to school. Around noon I would go find a bench to sit on and eat alone. I kept cookies or crackers in my closet because I was usually dying for something around 6pm (or, if I was out, I would get a snack somewhere). I can't say that Spain was when I first started hidden eating, but it's what I remember most clearly.

I probably had some hidden eating tendencies when I was younger. I was embarrassed about being SO overweight (sometimes I still feel bad about my weight, but I'm down about 80 pounds from my highest during my sophomore year of high school). I'm sure i tried to hide my eating from others. After I returned from Spain I lived alone for about 5 years. During that time I rarely ate with other people. I had a lot of bad eating habits during that time. I moved in with a couple of gals about 4 years ago. One is very petite and the other eats very regular meals. I know now that I practiced some hidden eating while living with them - especially when I wanted to eat sweets. It's as if I thought it was bad, but that I wouldn't be judged if nobody saw me. I can even remember, especially during the first year with them, that I wished I was living alone so I could gorge myself on food without anyone knowing.

Really thinking about it now and writing about it saddens me and makes me sick. I recognize now that I have these urges. For example, when I'm hungry and want to eat the lunch I've packed for myself, I have this underlying hope that my supervisor will leave the office so I can eat. There are no rules about eating in our office. My supervisor and colleagues could care less, really, but I have an impulse to eat alone. When I'm at home with my husband I feel the same way - especially if I want to snack on something. I have this feeling like "oh, no! I'm going to get caught eating!" What would really happen if my husband or co-workers saw me eating? Nothing. I think it's shame and fear of "being fat" or "being thought of as fat". The truth is, they see me the way I look day-by-day. I don't have to eat in front of them for them to know I'm overweight. Plus, my husband totally loves me the way I am and hates it if I talk about being overweight (his answer to me is usually something like "do 100 push-ups, then").

Today I pulled the same stunt. I was starting to feel hungry, then about 15 minutes later my supervisor said he was going to run an errand. Bingo! Time to eat! The other thing about it, too, is that my hidden eating tends to be fast eating. I don't know that I necessarily eat more (because I only pack myself so-much for lunch), but I do eat quicker. I guess I think, "Hurry, finish before they come back so they don't see you". I really tried to slow down today because I LOVE what I brought for lunch: left-overs from Haji Baba take-out. I don't want to miss out on the yumminess.

Thank you, God, for alerting me to my habit of hidden eating. Just as You are bringing good things to light that were once hidden from me, You are also showing me the sins that I have hidden. I need You to make me aware of this tendency every time the desire pops up. I want to enjoy my food and not be ashamed. Teach me Truth in this area as well. Thank you for moving me away from hidden eating on this journey. Amen!

Birthday hilarity

Well, at least I think it's hilarious. Today is my birthday! Yvonne turns 30!

Yesterday afternoon I had a dentist appointment to have an old filling replaced. As the dentist was working on me he found a second cavity. He asked if I wanted it filled (of course I did). The old filling had to be replaced with an alloy material because the cavity had been deep in my molar. It took them a while to finish and it was almost 6pm when I left. They told me that the alloy filling takes 24 hours to set and in the mean time I could only eat puree-consistency foods.

I was so bummed! I can't eat whatever I want on my birthday (I even said so to the hygienist).

God is hilarious! The one day that He knows that I'll be tempted to eat a ton of food, He orchestrates it so I can't. He provides exactly what I need when I need it (even if I don't want it!).

Tonight, however, I'm celebrating with take-out from my favorite Lebanese restaurant: Haji Baba.

Pilgrimage

God is amazing! He is our God of perfect timing. There are no coincidences in Him.

Yesterday, June 1st, was the start date for an on-line study through the Thin Within book. Additionally, my ladies' Bible study group started a new series. It's the Stepping Up series from Beth Moore. It focuses on the Psalms of Ascent (Psalms 120-134). It is very obvious to me that God wants to take me on a pilgrimage this summer (both studies have 30 lessons).

In the introductory session of the Moore lesson, she had us look up Psalm 84.5-7. These are the very same verses that begin the Thin Within book:

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.

The Lord wants to take me somewhere new this summer. I don't know what He wants to show me, but I am blown away by the similarities of these studies. Over and over in the Bible we read about the topic of pilgrimage (physical or spiritual movement and change). Abraham was called out of the only place he knew to follow the Lord wherever. The Israelites were freed from slavery and called to follow the Lord into the promised land. The exiles journeyed back to Jerusalem after being freed from captivity. We, as believers in Christ, are on our pilgrimage to the New Jerusalem to be united with those chosen (the Church) in Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 12.22-24
But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

Apparently, the Lord is telling me to SET MY HEART ON PILGRIMAGE.

Moore also gave us a challenge in this study. She is encouraging us to joyfully come face down before the Lord during the entirety of this study - to humble ourselves before the Lord. I think I will also try to incorporate this into my Thin Within study as well.

One last thing: she has us look ahead to Psalm 132.13-15

NASB
For the LORD has chosen Zion; He has desired it for His habitation.
"This is My resting place forever; Here I will dwell, for I have desired it.
"I will abundantly bless her provision; I will satisfy her needy with bread.

The Message says it like this:
Yes—I, God, chose Zion, the place I wanted for my shrine;
This will always be my home; this is what I want, and I'm here for good.
I'll shower blessings on the pilgrims who come here, and give supper to those who arrive hungry;

The Lord will be my provision, He will feed me, if only I arrive hungry to study His Word.
Woo-hoo!

Truth from the inside out

For the last couple of weeks I have gone to a "Holy yoga" class at the YMCA. I like the exercise of yoga, but I don't believe in the new-agey, self-empowerment teachings. So, I was please to go to a class where we can stretch and exercise our bodies, meditate on Scripture, listen to Christian music and close the class with prayer. My husband even went with me yesterday!

The instructor had us meditate on John 14.6: Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.
Our focus yesterday was on Truth. The instructor then read this verse:

Psalm 51:6 (NASB)
Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part. You will make me know wisdom.

The Message puts it this way:
What you're after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.

Sometime I really like the way that the Message puts things. In all aspects of my life, actually OVER all other aspects of my life, the Lord desires Truth in me from the inside out. That's what I want, too!