Hidden eating

One thing that I've started to notice over the past several months is my inclination to eat alone. I've realized that I've done a lot of hidden eating in my life.

I didn't know that I was doing it most of the time. I didn't even know I had a tendency towards it. When I lived in Spain in college I lived with a wonderful family. I was included in every aspect of their daily lives, which was so fun, but the change in meal times was really hard on me. I found that, typically, the Spanish have a light breakfast (coffee, bread, breakfast cookies) before school/work and then have lunch around 2-3pm. Dinner is LATE - around 9pm, but my family often ate at 10pm (later on weekends).

I couldn't go 8 hours between meals, but that's when everyone else ate. My Spanish "mom", María, always made me lunch to take to school. Around noon I would go find a bench to sit on and eat alone. I kept cookies or crackers in my closet because I was usually dying for something around 6pm (or, if I was out, I would get a snack somewhere). I can't say that Spain was when I first started hidden eating, but it's what I remember most clearly.

I probably had some hidden eating tendencies when I was younger. I was embarrassed about being SO overweight (sometimes I still feel bad about my weight, but I'm down about 80 pounds from my highest during my sophomore year of high school). I'm sure i tried to hide my eating from others. After I returned from Spain I lived alone for about 5 years. During that time I rarely ate with other people. I had a lot of bad eating habits during that time. I moved in with a couple of gals about 4 years ago. One is very petite and the other eats very regular meals. I know now that I practiced some hidden eating while living with them - especially when I wanted to eat sweets. It's as if I thought it was bad, but that I wouldn't be judged if nobody saw me. I can even remember, especially during the first year with them, that I wished I was living alone so I could gorge myself on food without anyone knowing.

Really thinking about it now and writing about it saddens me and makes me sick. I recognize now that I have these urges. For example, when I'm hungry and want to eat the lunch I've packed for myself, I have this underlying hope that my supervisor will leave the office so I can eat. There are no rules about eating in our office. My supervisor and colleagues could care less, really, but I have an impulse to eat alone. When I'm at home with my husband I feel the same way - especially if I want to snack on something. I have this feeling like "oh, no! I'm going to get caught eating!" What would really happen if my husband or co-workers saw me eating? Nothing. I think it's shame and fear of "being fat" or "being thought of as fat". The truth is, they see me the way I look day-by-day. I don't have to eat in front of them for them to know I'm overweight. Plus, my husband totally loves me the way I am and hates it if I talk about being overweight (his answer to me is usually something like "do 100 push-ups, then").

Today I pulled the same stunt. I was starting to feel hungry, then about 15 minutes later my supervisor said he was going to run an errand. Bingo! Time to eat! The other thing about it, too, is that my hidden eating tends to be fast eating. I don't know that I necessarily eat more (because I only pack myself so-much for lunch), but I do eat quicker. I guess I think, "Hurry, finish before they come back so they don't see you". I really tried to slow down today because I LOVE what I brought for lunch: left-overs from Haji Baba take-out. I don't want to miss out on the yumminess.

Thank you, God, for alerting me to my habit of hidden eating. Just as You are bringing good things to light that were once hidden from me, You are also showing me the sins that I have hidden. I need You to make me aware of this tendency every time the desire pops up. I want to enjoy my food and not be ashamed. Teach me Truth in this area as well. Thank you for moving me away from hidden eating on this journey. Amen!