Why am I still so afraid!?!
What could I do if I lived free of fear?!?
What could God use me for if I wasn't so afraid all of the time?
The thing is, I've come to realize that I fear so many things. They aren't big fears. They are phobias. They don't paralyze me, but they do render me distracted, ineffective and sometimes useless.
Last summer I went though an online study of Thin Within. I lost some weight, and I learned a lot about myself, but I held many things back. I didn't trust myself. Truly, I didn't trust God. I continued counting calories. It was a way to push my limits - rather than eat between hunger and fullness I ate to a caloric number. I let arbitrary man-made numbers control my eating rather than the signals from the body that God gave me.
I've had a real sense of worry, maybe even anxiety, lately and that has helped feed my fears and discontetment. I'm not even entirely sure what the root is and that's the frustrating part. Until I have that revelation I can't do anything about it. I have to sit with my feelings (they aren't bad, just not truthful) and deal with it however the Lord tells me. Lat night He told me that I ought not deal with thm by eating chocolate chips. I'm justified in eating a few, small, tiny chocolate chips, right? It won't hurt. "But it won't help, either," said the Lord in my spirit. So, I put them back in the freezer.
Where does that leave me? I have to choose to rest in God's provision, healing and timing. Treading water and spinning my wheels isn't going to get me any closer or any freer and will just leave me tired.
And I am so tired. I think I'm holding the fear and anxiety (of what!?) in my body and it leave me sore - really, acutally physically sore.
Lord, I don't want to be afraid. Show me what my fear is so I can give it over to you! In the meantime, help me remember that you are my source of strength, wisdom and perseverance. For you, only you, is the glory. Amen.
23 June 2010
16 June 2010
The treatment for discontentment
Sometimes the Lord makes me laugh!
I was on the light rail train coming into work this morning and I was talking to God telling Him how thankful I am for my husband, my safety and His provision of the train so I can get to work. I laughed when I realized that everything I was thankful for happened in response to something being taken away from me.
Last night I went shopping for new pants for work (this is not the time of year, nor the place, to look for long pants). I've looked at many stores over the last couple of weeks and finally found something appropriate. It was more than I wanted to spend, but God had already provided a generous birthday gift that I used to pay for them. My focus was trousers, but everywhere around me was the allure of other pretty clothes. I found myself feeling discontent for not having the money (or the body) to buy said clothes.
On my way home, my car overheated. I have had a long history of car problems. The car I have is now 14 years old and I'm aware that problems come with age. I was able to safely make it onto a residential street. I called my husband and he came out to get me. We called AAA and had it towed to a garage near our home. Due to my long history of car issues, I begin feeling anxious when I have to deal with car breakdowns. I was so thankful to be able to lean on my husband this time! I am totally capable to calling AAA and having a car towed on my own (I've done it a ton!) but it's so nice to know that I'm not alone.
I live about 15 miles from my job. About 18 months ago my city started running a light rail train system. Now, we aren't really known for our public transportation and it's not fun waiting for a bus or the train when it's 100 + degrees, but the system is there and functioning. The train runs right near my work, but, onthe other end, it's a few miles from my home. So, my husband drops me off at the train stop. I have to leave for work almost 30 minutes earlier, but I can still get to work and that's what's important.
Going back to my prayer this morning, I realized that I was thankful for blessings that I never would have received had my car not broken down. I wondered if God thought, "Yvonne, you're discontent with what I've given you? How will you respond if I take it away?" Much of my response has been thankful - praise the Lord! I've also responded with some anxiousness and I swallowed my dinner whole last night because I was focused on my feelings rather than on the food. Those are areas to observe and correct in the future. I'm just thankful that I didn't use the situation to throw myself into a pit of despair (or the bottom of an ice cream carton).
Sometimes it's so good when the Lord takes something away.
I was on the light rail train coming into work this morning and I was talking to God telling Him how thankful I am for my husband, my safety and His provision of the train so I can get to work. I laughed when I realized that everything I was thankful for happened in response to something being taken away from me.
Last night I went shopping for new pants for work (this is not the time of year, nor the place, to look for long pants). I've looked at many stores over the last couple of weeks and finally found something appropriate. It was more than I wanted to spend, but God had already provided a generous birthday gift that I used to pay for them. My focus was trousers, but everywhere around me was the allure of other pretty clothes. I found myself feeling discontent for not having the money (or the body) to buy said clothes.
On my way home, my car overheated. I have had a long history of car problems. The car I have is now 14 years old and I'm aware that problems come with age. I was able to safely make it onto a residential street. I called my husband and he came out to get me. We called AAA and had it towed to a garage near our home. Due to my long history of car issues, I begin feeling anxious when I have to deal with car breakdowns. I was so thankful to be able to lean on my husband this time! I am totally capable to calling AAA and having a car towed on my own (I've done it a ton!) but it's so nice to know that I'm not alone.
I live about 15 miles from my job. About 18 months ago my city started running a light rail train system. Now, we aren't really known for our public transportation and it's not fun waiting for a bus or the train when it's 100 + degrees, but the system is there and functioning. The train runs right near my work, but, onthe other end, it's a few miles from my home. So, my husband drops me off at the train stop. I have to leave for work almost 30 minutes earlier, but I can still get to work and that's what's important.
Going back to my prayer this morning, I realized that I was thankful for blessings that I never would have received had my car not broken down. I wondered if God thought, "Yvonne, you're discontent with what I've given you? How will you respond if I take it away?" Much of my response has been thankful - praise the Lord! I've also responded with some anxiousness and I swallowed my dinner whole last night because I was focused on my feelings rather than on the food. Those are areas to observe and correct in the future. I'm just thankful that I didn't use the situation to throw myself into a pit of despair (or the bottom of an ice cream carton).
Sometimes it's so good when the Lord takes something away.
15 June 2010
Repent and Return
Acts 3: 19-20
Therefore, repent and return so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord and that He may send Jesus, the Christ appointed to you
In my ladies' Bible study we're going through Beth Moore's Esther. In chapter four we see Jews all over Persia in mourning over the king's decree of their extermination. Moore likened their grief and supplication to the words of the Lord in Joel 2:12-14. God asks His people for repentance from their own way and to love and follow Him.
The area that I need to repent from is demanding my right to having my own way. My long stretch of discontentment all stems from my ungodly expectations not being met. I want to return to the Lord from my own way and go wherever He sends me.
Thank you, God, for Your great provisions for my life. You are My Provider and the Lifter of my head. You are good and only desire eternal good for me. Thank you for allowing times of teaching and times of rest. Your name be blessed. Amen.
Therefore, repent and return so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord and that He may send Jesus, the Christ appointed to you
In my ladies' Bible study we're going through Beth Moore's Esther. In chapter four we see Jews all over Persia in mourning over the king's decree of their extermination. Moore likened their grief and supplication to the words of the Lord in Joel 2:12-14. God asks His people for repentance from their own way and to love and follow Him.
The area that I need to repent from is demanding my right to having my own way. My long stretch of discontentment all stems from my ungodly expectations not being met. I want to return to the Lord from my own way and go wherever He sends me.
Thank you, God, for Your great provisions for my life. You are My Provider and the Lifter of my head. You are good and only desire eternal good for me. Thank you for allowing times of teaching and times of rest. Your name be blessed. Amen.
14 June 2010
Discontentment
I am now two weeks into a period of serious discontentment. I can't stand being here. There are a number of contributing factors that fall into two categories: the situation and my response.
First, the situation. My husband has been without a consistent job for the two years that we've been married (he was in graduate school when we got married). The other situations that I'm dealing with include my grandfather's prolonged illness, the fact that it's now summer in Phoenix and the fact that life is based on relationships and I must work with people, in and out of the job space, in order to accomplish tasks.
My response: There is what my response should be in light of God's love, mercy and grace and then there's my fleshly response. The pit of discontent that I find myself in is a direct response to my ungodly reactions. While the Lord tells me that "He has supplied all of my needs" I choose to be discontent over the fact that my husband doesn't have a job and that I can't just go out and buy the things that I want (notice I said "want", not "need"). While the Lord tells me that He has a plan for me (and that He has one for each of us) I am discontent that my grandfather is so ill. This is compounded by my financial discontentment in that I can't just pick up and fly to visit him. While the Lord has provided for me friends, a church family, a home and job with a/c I choose to be discontent with the summer heat that He brings to Arizona each year.
It's a choice. I cannot change the situations that I've been dealt, but I do have power, by God's graciousness, to change my response.
I'm so tired of being discontent.
Lord, I choose You know. I choose to bring every thought captive to your mighty throne of healing and grace. No, I choose this moment to do so. I know that in my flesh I am so fickle that I cannot truly say that I'll bring EVERY thought captive. I also choose today to renew my mind, in view of all of your mercies, so that I may be transformed from one who is self-obsessed to one who is walking in the Spirit. Thank you for your lvoe and your grace. Your patience is limitless and your joy completes me. Amen.
First, the situation. My husband has been without a consistent job for the two years that we've been married (he was in graduate school when we got married). The other situations that I'm dealing with include my grandfather's prolonged illness, the fact that it's now summer in Phoenix and the fact that life is based on relationships and I must work with people, in and out of the job space, in order to accomplish tasks.
My response: There is what my response should be in light of God's love, mercy and grace and then there's my fleshly response. The pit of discontent that I find myself in is a direct response to my ungodly reactions. While the Lord tells me that "He has supplied all of my needs" I choose to be discontent over the fact that my husband doesn't have a job and that I can't just go out and buy the things that I want (notice I said "want", not "need"). While the Lord tells me that He has a plan for me (and that He has one for each of us) I am discontent that my grandfather is so ill. This is compounded by my financial discontentment in that I can't just pick up and fly to visit him. While the Lord has provided for me friends, a church family, a home and job with a/c I choose to be discontent with the summer heat that He brings to Arizona each year.
It's a choice. I cannot change the situations that I've been dealt, but I do have power, by God's graciousness, to change my response.
I'm so tired of being discontent.
Lord, I choose You know. I choose to bring every thought captive to your mighty throne of healing and grace. No, I choose this moment to do so. I know that in my flesh I am so fickle that I cannot truly say that I'll bring EVERY thought captive. I also choose today to renew my mind, in view of all of your mercies, so that I may be transformed from one who is self-obsessed to one who is walking in the Spirit. Thank you for your lvoe and your grace. Your patience is limitless and your joy completes me. Amen.
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