Last January my husband and I went to help my mom to take care of some of her property. she was in financial struggles and was concerned about having foreclosure on her home. Our idea was to clean out one of the structures and sell that part of the property. Praise the Lord, He was good and allowed everything to happen that was necessary for this process - and quite quickly, too. My mom was blessed beyond words by the various people involved in the process. It was wonderful.
That said, the process, at times, was really hard. Mainly emotional toil, but there was a lot of physical work as well. My mom is a hoarder. She doesn't throw things away. She keeps them. She hides them. then, when life gets too busy/hard/whatever, those things become neglected. The structure that my husband and I went to work on was an old one bedroom, on bath shack that sits on property adjacent to my mom's house. It was a total tear down, but first we had to clean it out. It was full to the ceiling with... well, I'm not going to go into details, just know it was full. Everything go thrown into a dumpster. It hadn't been used or cared for, so it rotted.
Moving forward to present day...
Last night I was reading in "Get Thin, Stay Thin" (I so wished the publishers had kept the title "Soul Hunger" because it makes much more sense). There was a section that talked about how things from our childhood may affect our eating as adults. Now, I don't believe in the victimization mentality blame game, but I think that, for example, lack of love in childhood can send us looking for it anywhere and everywhere. That doesn't mean it's right and that certainly doesn't remove the responsibility of our own actions from us, but it does help us explore maybe why we have certain tendencies.
I have a very strong aversion to hoarding stuff. My mom's house has always been "cluttered", at best, and there were many times growing up when I couldn't have friends over because of the house's condition. Now, I'm not a clean-freak, but I don't have "stuff". My husband's aunt is a very crafty person, and her house is clean, but it is so full of projects that I always come home after visiting looking for things to give away or throw out.
Yet, I came to a realization last night that I HOARD FOOD. I do. Not in the packed freezer and pantry sense. No, I hoard it on my body. I see food and I greedily eat it. I want it. For me. I want to enjoy it. If I don't somebody else will eat it and I will lose out.
You know, admitting that I'm gluttonous or greedy is one thing, but realizing and admitting that I hoard is a new, painful step for me. It's good. It's good because I can deal with it and move forward. I'm pretty hopeful, too, because I so loathe hoarding in the material sense maybe that will help me hate in in the eating sense. That said, I've hoarded cookies and candies over the last two days. More than usual. I wonder if it's my flesh wanting to rebel from truth and light.
Lord, thank You for this revelation. It's hard because it shows me to be something that I always hoped I wouldn't become. Lord, I confess my gluttony, greed and hoarding. These sinful actions show that I am not depending on You nor am I trusting You for my provision. Help my unbelief, Lord, so I can truly repent of these sins. Amen!
28 January 2010
26 January 2010
The ability to be generous
I just finished writing the previous entry and I checked my email. In it, there was a recently sent message from one of my Christian brothers who has an awesome idea about how to bless a financially-strapped sister (due to medical bills).
I was brought to tears by its generosity. Immediately I decided I wanted to help out. I want to give.
Years ago God began talking to me about getting into a position where I can give. Right before I got married I finished paying off my student loans (praise the Lord!), but my husband still has his. We keep talking about how we want to pay down debt quickly so we can "get on with our lives".
Actually, I recently learned that a friend is filing for bankruptcy. It makes me so sad, and mad (not too much, though, because this friend doesn't know Jesus... yet). Last night I went home and thanked my husband for being frugal. I told him that I was willing to be content with our falling-apart couch and my car that doesn't run too well. I'm thankful that we don't have consumer debt. It's not worth it.
I have been so thankful to not really suffer from consumer greed. Yes, Lord, I see how You are orchestrating things so that I can see many examples of greed in this very moment... and examples of freedom, joy and giving.
I know that when I don't have material greed, then I am free to use money in other ways (pay down school debt/mortgage, buy things that I need, give to the Lord, help others, etc.) I really want to help out and bless this sister and I am so excited that I am able to do so.
I don't want to get to the "bankruptcy" state in my love of greed and gluttony. I want to hand it over now. God doesn't refinance. He pays off the debts in full and abundantly gives for ever future need.
What will I have the freedom to do once I no longer submit to the sin of food greed? I can't really imagine it, but it has to be good because it's from God :)
I was brought to tears by its generosity. Immediately I decided I wanted to help out. I want to give.
Years ago God began talking to me about getting into a position where I can give. Right before I got married I finished paying off my student loans (praise the Lord!), but my husband still has his. We keep talking about how we want to pay down debt quickly so we can "get on with our lives".
Actually, I recently learned that a friend is filing for bankruptcy. It makes me so sad, and mad (not too much, though, because this friend doesn't know Jesus... yet). Last night I went home and thanked my husband for being frugal. I told him that I was willing to be content with our falling-apart couch and my car that doesn't run too well. I'm thankful that we don't have consumer debt. It's not worth it.
I have been so thankful to not really suffer from consumer greed. Yes, Lord, I see how You are orchestrating things so that I can see many examples of greed in this very moment... and examples of freedom, joy and giving.
I know that when I don't have material greed, then I am free to use money in other ways (pay down school debt/mortgage, buy things that I need, give to the Lord, help others, etc.) I really want to help out and bless this sister and I am so excited that I am able to do so.
I don't want to get to the "bankruptcy" state in my love of greed and gluttony. I want to hand it over now. God doesn't refinance. He pays off the debts in full and abundantly gives for ever future need.
What will I have the freedom to do once I no longer submit to the sin of food greed? I can't really imagine it, but it has to be good because it's from God :)
Greed exposed
I was walking around work today and praying about how much I hate greed and how hurtful my greediness has been to me when I realized that I don't really hate greed. So, I decided to ponder the topic to help expose what is really going on in my head and my heart.
What is greed?
I'm choosing to define it (for now, at least) as the ungodly desire for more than what I need or more than what God decides to give me. I chose to add in the second part, because He readily gives me MORE grace, love, hope, joy, peace and wisdom than I may need. Thank you, Lord :)
Why do I love greed?
It feeds my flesh, my wants, my will and my desires. It focuses on ME. My flesh does not want to give up greed because that would take the focus off of ME.
Sigh...but He must increase and I must decrease.
As long as I continue to love greed, the Spirit within me is at war with me. I cannot have peace while I continue to cling to greed - to sin. I cannot and will not see fruits of the Spirit in my life if I continue in habitual, unrepentant sin. The two are diametrically opposed.
I want to hate it because it separates me from God. I think the only way that will ever happen is my submersing myself in the Word and in prayer, by being intentional consistently.
Sigh...it seems like a lot of work.
What am I going to do about greed?
I don't know. I think I need to sit in this for awhile. I know I need to wait until God tells me to do what He wants me to do. Otherwise, I'll wind up spinning my wheels in my own fleshly attempt at getting out.
I feel kind of down, yucky, about all of this. But this is a good first step. I have to recognize and define the problem before I can do anything about it.
God, I am going to wait on You. This is a universally-huge, deep-down, to-the-core sin. It sits right there with pride and selfishness. Thank You that You have brought me to a point of realization. Just as I realized that gluttony permeated nearly all aspects of my life, so does greed. I'm really entrenched in it. I have enjoyed a long stay. Now, I want to be done. I want to be freed of it. I want You to unshackle me. Thank You, Jesus, that your perfect offering allows for my liberty. I have so little to offer, but I thank You. Holy Spirit, invade me, particularly the parts that I have kept from You for so long. Drive this ship - even for this moment. I realize that in every second of my life I am either moving closer to You or moving farther away. Lord, even if it just for right now, I choose to move to You. Show me what You want me to learn and change me. I don't "feel" good about this process, but I know that it is foundational and I trust You. I do. Amen.
What is greed?
I'm choosing to define it (for now, at least) as the ungodly desire for more than what I need or more than what God decides to give me. I chose to add in the second part, because He readily gives me MORE grace, love, hope, joy, peace and wisdom than I may need. Thank you, Lord :)
Why do I love greed?
It feeds my flesh, my wants, my will and my desires. It focuses on ME. My flesh does not want to give up greed because that would take the focus off of ME.
Sigh...but He must increase and I must decrease.
As long as I continue to love greed, the Spirit within me is at war with me. I cannot have peace while I continue to cling to greed - to sin. I cannot and will not see fruits of the Spirit in my life if I continue in habitual, unrepentant sin. The two are diametrically opposed.
I want to hate it because it separates me from God. I think the only way that will ever happen is my submersing myself in the Word and in prayer, by being intentional consistently.
Sigh...it seems like a lot of work.
What am I going to do about greed?
I don't know. I think I need to sit in this for awhile. I know I need to wait until God tells me to do what He wants me to do. Otherwise, I'll wind up spinning my wheels in my own fleshly attempt at getting out.
I feel kind of down, yucky, about all of this. But this is a good first step. I have to recognize and define the problem before I can do anything about it.
God, I am going to wait on You. This is a universally-huge, deep-down, to-the-core sin. It sits right there with pride and selfishness. Thank You that You have brought me to a point of realization. Just as I realized that gluttony permeated nearly all aspects of my life, so does greed. I'm really entrenched in it. I have enjoyed a long stay. Now, I want to be done. I want to be freed of it. I want You to unshackle me. Thank You, Jesus, that your perfect offering allows for my liberty. I have so little to offer, but I thank You. Holy Spirit, invade me, particularly the parts that I have kept from You for so long. Drive this ship - even for this moment. I realize that in every second of my life I am either moving closer to You or moving farther away. Lord, even if it just for right now, I choose to move to You. Show me what You want me to learn and change me. I don't "feel" good about this process, but I know that it is foundational and I trust You. I do. Amen.
24 January 2010
Greed musings
I continue to think about greed being a/the driving force behind my gluttony.
Many, if not most or all, of the references in the Bible to greed has to do with material possessions, but I think I can take them and use them for food.
In Luke 12, a man calls out to Jesus asking our Lord to help him get his part of the inheritance that, apparently, his brother is not giving. Jesus uses this as a teachable moment to tell the man, and others within earshot, to be on his guard against all kinds of greed.
ALL KINDS OF GREED. It sounds like food can fall into this category. I have to be on guard so as not to fall into greed. I have to be aware of my circumstances and be ready to react appropriately. That includes being aware of my body. Am I hungry? Does my body need food? If not, what is going on? It also includes being aware of my circumstances. Is there food just hanging out? Do I need to eat it? If not, what else can I do?
The next part of the same verse (Luke 12:15) in the NASB says "For not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions." Wow! Even in abundance of food my life shouldn't be preoccupied with food! Of course, in my right mind I would say that my life doesn't consist of food, but in my greedy mind I have times when I focus entirely on food and body issues.
The abundant life that Jesus came to give me really has nothing to do with physical food. Will I waste His abundant life, and the short time that He gives me on the earth, just to be preoccupied by food? Or, will I choose His freedom, His abundance and His life? It sounds like an easy, clear-cut question, but I still struggle in my flesh against abiding in Him moment-by-moment.
Thank, you, Lord for never letting go or giving up!
Many, if not most or all, of the references in the Bible to greed has to do with material possessions, but I think I can take them and use them for food.
In Luke 12, a man calls out to Jesus asking our Lord to help him get his part of the inheritance that, apparently, his brother is not giving. Jesus uses this as a teachable moment to tell the man, and others within earshot, to be on his guard against all kinds of greed.
ALL KINDS OF GREED. It sounds like food can fall into this category. I have to be on guard so as not to fall into greed. I have to be aware of my circumstances and be ready to react appropriately. That includes being aware of my body. Am I hungry? Does my body need food? If not, what is going on? It also includes being aware of my circumstances. Is there food just hanging out? Do I need to eat it? If not, what else can I do?
The next part of the same verse (Luke 12:15) in the NASB says "For not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions." Wow! Even in abundance of food my life shouldn't be preoccupied with food! Of course, in my right mind I would say that my life doesn't consist of food, but in my greedy mind I have times when I focus entirely on food and body issues.
The abundant life that Jesus came to give me really has nothing to do with physical food. Will I waste His abundant life, and the short time that He gives me on the earth, just to be preoccupied by food? Or, will I choose His freedom, His abundance and His life? It sounds like an easy, clear-cut question, but I still struggle in my flesh against abiding in Him moment-by-moment.
Thank, you, Lord for never letting go or giving up!
18 January 2010
Greed
I have come to realize that the biggest sin problem that I am dealing with in regards to food is greed.
Over the last year I have learned so much about food idolization, about how I use food to comfort me and entertain me, about how I replace God with food. I won't say that I've "arrived" in these areas, but I do sense that I've made heaps of progress. I now see that my real sin-rival in gluttony is greed.
Greed for just one more cookie.
Greed for the last piece of pumpkin cheesecake because I won't make it again until next year.
Greed for a dish that I love and I want it all!
I posted on the Thin Within forums that I was looking for resources about greed, and in particular greed and gluttony. I've been trying to go through my Bible looking a greed related verses, but so many seem to deal with money and material possessions. I know that greed is greed, regardless of the coveted object, it's just that I'm having a hard time understanding how those verses mesh with gluttony.
In the forums I was recommended to listen to a talk on gluttony and greed hosted by Mars Hill Church. I have heard it before, it's quite good and I think I posted it previously in another blog entry some moths ago.
So, I'm still looking. A year ago I searched and searched until God lead me to resources on gluttony. I'm certain that He will guide me to the right resources for greed as well.
Over the last year I have learned so much about food idolization, about how I use food to comfort me and entertain me, about how I replace God with food. I won't say that I've "arrived" in these areas, but I do sense that I've made heaps of progress. I now see that my real sin-rival in gluttony is greed.
Greed for just one more cookie.
Greed for the last piece of pumpkin cheesecake because I won't make it again until next year.
Greed for a dish that I love and I want it all!
I posted on the Thin Within forums that I was looking for resources about greed, and in particular greed and gluttony. I've been trying to go through my Bible looking a greed related verses, but so many seem to deal with money and material possessions. I know that greed is greed, regardless of the coveted object, it's just that I'm having a hard time understanding how those verses mesh with gluttony.
In the forums I was recommended to listen to a talk on gluttony and greed hosted by Mars Hill Church. I have heard it before, it's quite good and I think I posted it previously in another blog entry some moths ago.
So, I'm still looking. A year ago I searched and searched until God lead me to resources on gluttony. I'm certain that He will guide me to the right resources for greed as well.
12 January 2010
Anna: the faithful witness
In my ladies' Bible study we're working our way through John MacArthur's "Twelve Extraordinary Women". Some have made a bigger impression on me than others (I think it's those that I haven't really studied before). I really enjoyed the chapter on Hannah (from 1 Samuel). I am also really getting so much out of the Anna section (chapter 7). Here are a few sections that speak to me:
"When she spoke, it was about the Word of God. She had evidently spent a lifetime hiding God's Word in her heart. Naturally, that was the substance of what she usually had to say." p. 134
What a wonderful example! She had the Lord's treasure stored up and out of that flowed glory to God. In church on Sunday my class leaders (in their 80s) spoke of how "getting old ain't for sissies". They said it's harder to think right and study the Word (I think due to fatigue and memory problems), however someone else noted that whatever is memorized and stored away from God's Word can be recalled and meditated on at any point in life. This is a good lesson for me to spend more time memorizing Scripture.
"Luke adds that she 'served God with fastings and prayers night and day' (Luke 2:37 NKJV)... The manner of her praying, accompanied by fasting, speaks of her self-denial and sincerity. Fasting by itself is not a particularly useful exercise. Abstaining from food per se has no mystical effect on anything spiritual. But fasting with prayer reveals a heart so consumed with praying, and so eager to receive the blessing being sought, that the person simply has no interest in eating. That is when fasting has real value." p.136, 137
This gives me a helpful insight into fasting. I have taken a few opportunities to fast in the past, but at this stage in my life I *fear* turning the experience into a diet. I will meditate on this section and look into biblical fasting. Maybe this is an exercise that God wants to carry me through.
"Anna's amazing faith stemmed from the fact that she believed all the promises that filled the Old Testament. She took the Word of God seriously... She truly loved her God. She understood His heart and mind. She genuinely believed His Word." p. 138
How beautiful! I want to truly believe and love God. Lord, may it be so! May I desire You more than anything else!
"When she spoke, it was about the Word of God. She had evidently spent a lifetime hiding God's Word in her heart. Naturally, that was the substance of what she usually had to say." p. 134
What a wonderful example! She had the Lord's treasure stored up and out of that flowed glory to God. In church on Sunday my class leaders (in their 80s) spoke of how "getting old ain't for sissies". They said it's harder to think right and study the Word (I think due to fatigue and memory problems), however someone else noted that whatever is memorized and stored away from God's Word can be recalled and meditated on at any point in life. This is a good lesson for me to spend more time memorizing Scripture.
"Luke adds that she 'served God with fastings and prayers night and day' (Luke 2:37 NKJV)... The manner of her praying, accompanied by fasting, speaks of her self-denial and sincerity. Fasting by itself is not a particularly useful exercise. Abstaining from food per se has no mystical effect on anything spiritual. But fasting with prayer reveals a heart so consumed with praying, and so eager to receive the blessing being sought, that the person simply has no interest in eating. That is when fasting has real value." p.136, 137
This gives me a helpful insight into fasting. I have taken a few opportunities to fast in the past, but at this stage in my life I *fear* turning the experience into a diet. I will meditate on this section and look into biblical fasting. Maybe this is an exercise that God wants to carry me through.
"Anna's amazing faith stemmed from the fact that she believed all the promises that filled the Old Testament. She took the Word of God seriously... She truly loved her God. She understood His heart and mind. She genuinely believed His Word." p. 138
How beautiful! I want to truly believe and love God. Lord, may it be so! May I desire You more than anything else!
04 January 2010
That which matters
What a whirlwind of a season! As I look back I ask myself, "how much of your activity matters?"
Over the last few years I've really tried to choose to make my celebration time (Thanksgiving to New Year's Day) matter in the eternal scheme. I want it to glorify God.
That is the reason that He created me, saved me, sustains me and teaches me. His goal and purpose is His own glory. And what a mighty thing it is, too.
I have recently been presented with a couple of really good examples of focusing on what DOES NOT matter. Let me explain.
In my hospital we have been caring for an injured and elderly man of vast wealth. In his home country he used to be the head of the nation's security/intelligence organization. When he commanded something to be done, it was accomplished. If something needed to be purchased he had the ability to buy it. If he needed help from someone, he had all the connections he could ask for. In his current medical state neither his wealth, power or network of acquaintances are able to help him. He is left powerless. This has caused severe depression and worsening of his condition. He has depended on everyone and everything except for the Lord, the only One who is truly Almighty and all-powerful.
This example shows me how we/I can be so easily distracted and exchange our source of strength from the One who is everlasting to something that is so fleeting. I am so saddened by this man and so wish that the Lord would gloriously show Himself in someway to the man and his family.
Then, last week, a high school classmate of mine died. Of a heart attack. We're 30 years old.
His story speaks to me two-fold. First, I don't believe that he knew the Lord and I pray that my mom and others who are reaching out to the family are able to comfort them and teach them about Jesus. Second, he was a very big guy. He always was. We always were. His heart was sick: from the lack of Jesus and from not caring for himself. The same thing could happen to any glutton at any time. Sometimes I wonder how much damage I did to myself as a younger person. Sigh...
I can't undo the past, but I can choose to live now (in the present) for Jesus, following His guidance and walking in His Spirit. There is no sadness in Him, only joy everlasting!
Over the last few years I've really tried to choose to make my celebration time (Thanksgiving to New Year's Day) matter in the eternal scheme. I want it to glorify God.
That is the reason that He created me, saved me, sustains me and teaches me. His goal and purpose is His own glory. And what a mighty thing it is, too.
I have recently been presented with a couple of really good examples of focusing on what DOES NOT matter. Let me explain.
In my hospital we have been caring for an injured and elderly man of vast wealth. In his home country he used to be the head of the nation's security/intelligence organization. When he commanded something to be done, it was accomplished. If something needed to be purchased he had the ability to buy it. If he needed help from someone, he had all the connections he could ask for. In his current medical state neither his wealth, power or network of acquaintances are able to help him. He is left powerless. This has caused severe depression and worsening of his condition. He has depended on everyone and everything except for the Lord, the only One who is truly Almighty and all-powerful.
This example shows me how we/I can be so easily distracted and exchange our source of strength from the One who is everlasting to something that is so fleeting. I am so saddened by this man and so wish that the Lord would gloriously show Himself in someway to the man and his family.
Then, last week, a high school classmate of mine died. Of a heart attack. We're 30 years old.
His story speaks to me two-fold. First, I don't believe that he knew the Lord and I pray that my mom and others who are reaching out to the family are able to comfort them and teach them about Jesus. Second, he was a very big guy. He always was. We always were. His heart was sick: from the lack of Jesus and from not caring for himself. The same thing could happen to any glutton at any time. Sometimes I wonder how much damage I did to myself as a younger person. Sigh...
I can't undo the past, but I can choose to live now (in the present) for Jesus, following His guidance and walking in His Spirit. There is no sadness in Him, only joy everlasting!
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