Slow down!

I think a major kink in my walk towards submission are my constant knee-jerk reactions.

I do everything quickly: I make decisions quickly, I walk quickly, I talk quickly!

I've got to sloooow doooown and let the Lord lead rather than taking control every instant!

I'm working through week 8 of Thin Within workbook #1. This week we are introduced to the Eight Keys to Conscious Eating. On day 4 of this week the first question asks me to note how many of these keys relate to Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God". I think almost all of them do (I can't quite figure out yet how to make #5 fit: "I ate and drank only the things my body loved").

I want to add the importance of giving thanks. I've got to slow way down to honestly pray to God. Being sure to always give thanks is such a great reminder to slow down and enjoy God's provision. Plus, it's hard to shove food down my throat if I'm recounting His blessings! :)

Additionally, I feel God challenging me to be thankful more. I've been frustrated recently by others who seem to constantly find fault and enforce their own way. I know that I do the same (even when I'm unaware!) and so now I'm praying about fostering a thankful heart and attitude. I know that even though I may not "feel" thankful at times, the true thankfulness will come with obedience.

Lord, help me to slow down. Help me to enjoy each and every moment that you provide for me. Help me to make the most of the time that yo have allotted to me on this earth. Teach me to be thankful and to act according to your timing - no slower, no quicker. There are so many things about me that I'd like to change. I want to be a loving person, a gracious person, a person who knows You and your mercy inside and out. change me into you, Lord.

I have moments of such desire for the Lord, but they are fleeting. I so want to serve Him and to be a positive reflection of Him in this wirld - in my community, work and home. That kind of total submission is what He asks of me. He doesn't ask me to be thin! He just asks me to believe Him!

I want a cookie

Ok, right now, I don't really want a cookie (woo-hoo! I'll praise God for even this little moment), but I often feel like I want a cookie. I've started saying it out loud. It helps me take control of that feeling, that desire, to eat something sweet and fatty (sugar, fat and salt: the trifecta of addictive foods!).

For example, when I go home tonight, if I'm feeling flesh-y (for whatever reason: stress, frustration, hormones, selfishness, etc.), I might open the pantry and say to my husband, "I want a cookie". He then tends to respond with, "No you don't" or "We don't have any". It may sound odd, but it helps me to get over the craving if I can put a voice to it.

For some time now I've thought that I was going along pretty well, voicing my flesh desire and dealing with it. I realized today, however, that even when I "deal" with this flesh issue, I am ignoring the spiritual issue.

The truth is, I need the Lord. Even when I don't feel like it.

The only way that I will ever have victory in the flesh is to focus on the eternal, spiritual, loving, all-knowing God whose Spirit has taken up residence inside my heart.

Lord, draw me to You! Even in apparent moment of fleshly victory I am still lost without You. Be my all, Lord. Also, change me into a person who is thankful and who is known for gracious thankfulness. You've done so much for me, for us! Remind me to declare it. It is truth! Amen.

This is the day that the Lord has made

Will I rejoice and be glad in it?

If I can make it through today without eating an entire cake I can do anything.

I've been antsy all day - wanting food to be my fix. I've said 'no' for the most part (although I ate my lunch from home before I was at a 0). I just got off the phone with a justifiably angry person. I could do nothing for her, unfortunately, but listen. It was really rough on me. I got off the phone and started crying. I think it was a combination of anxiousness all day (that I didn't numb with food) and being verbally assaulted over the phone.

Phew (imagine me wiping my brow).

I am no officially very hungry. I am totally justified in eating up to a 5. Even if I chose to eat cake :)

Praise be to the Lord, our Father, and Jesus Christ, His Son.

Choices

Over the last couple of weeks I have chosen to make some poor decision, throwing myself into overeating.

I'd like to cast blame on my circumstances, but I know I can't. I've chose to overeat of my own free will. I am not a victim of my circumstances and I must choose to believe that my actions are representative of a hard, selfish, I-want-what-I-want heat.

I'm so disappointed because I want to be done with gluttony and body image idolatry. Sigh...

So, what am I going to do now? Deal with it. Praise God that today is a new day!

My husband just gave me a quote from a Vietnam soldier who was a POW. This was his attitude:

Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
And at the same time
Confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

It's called the Stockdale Paradox. Now, I don;t know if he's a believer, but it is good advice, I think. I've got to have faith and hope that the Lord is eventually going to change me, while dealing with the facts at the same time.

I've decided to put the following verse on my pantry door (Hopefully it will encourage me!)

Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

Lord, help me to choose to glorify You, regardless of my weight. You matter, not my jeans size.

Grumpiness

I am convinced that the medication I'm on makes me "feel" grumpy. I was never one to suffer from PMS until I started on this medication and now I'm convinced that the hormonal affect puts me on edge.

So, what do I do with it? I may be unable to control my circumstances, but I am the only one who can control my reaction.

I've been aware of my grumpiness so I've been trying to filter my reactions, and apologizing a lot when I don't succeed!

I've noticed this week that many things that normally wouldn't be are very irritating to me. And all I've wanted to do this week is anesthetize myself with food. My eating, although no longer the binges that once were, has been reactionary to my feelings. I've also been sleeping more than normal.

The Lord has given me good time with Him this week and I am seeing areas that need to be changed in order to depend on Him more. I'm thankful for this time I've had in the Word.

So, what do I have to say with all of this? Trust in the Lord, because sometimes I can't even trust my own body. :)

Victim or Victor?

It all comes down to 1) what I know to be True and 2) my attitude.

My husband and I often talk about overcoming and resisting a victimization mentality. Both of us grew up with it in our family and want to walk away from it. It is a trap. For me, the victimization mentality is a state of mind in which a person is rarely in the wrong, is never the one at fault and has an attitude of 'them vs. me'.

I think it's just a version of the blame game. As a race we've been playing it ever since Adam blamed his sin on Eve, and she her deception on the serpent.

In my job I've known the mother of a pediatric patient who truly seems to embrace a victim mentality. It's sad to me because it seems that it's an attitude that she learned from her family and I think will probably be passed on to her child. It's a hard cycle to break, as I've seen in myself and in my own family. There's only one cure.

Today I met another mother of a pediatric patient. I was called to met her briefly and then her child died of cancer. I was called again for the chaplain to meet with her. When I got to the room I found her on her knees, crying out to the Lord. This is the gist of her prayer:

Lord, why couldn't you have waited to take him? He so wanted to see his grandparents again. But I know he is with You now and I know that I will see him again. This is so hard, Daddy, inject me with You, with Your love so I can bear this. You have been with me every step of the way and I know that You are with me now and that he is with you. Thank You for loaning him to me for these nine years. Thank You, Lord, Thank You, Lord, Thank You, Lord. I know that he is Yours and I thank You for loaning him to me. Give me Your peace, Daddy so I can show You to all these who are here who have been helping us. Thank You. Enable me to go on because I can't get up without You. Amen.

That is not the prayer of a victim. That is the prayer of a person who know Truth in the Lord and is wholly dependent on Him. It is the prayer of a person who is devastated, but a victor in Christ Jesus.

In my job I unfortunately see many deaths, a lot of them being children. Most of the time the stricken family wails, "Why God? Why did this happen to me/us/him/her?" Most of the time I can handle the death, because I can walk away. This is one of the few times that I've cried and it's not because of the passing, it's because of the loving, dependent prayer of a deeply saddened mother who knows the Lord. It was one of the most beautiful things that I've ever witnessed. I was called to 'help' her, but she is the one who ministered to me.

Lord, I want to have a heart like hers! Bless this mom in her grief. Bless the other mom who still doesn't know You. You are the only answer we have to the victimization mentality.

Oh victory in Jesus my Savior forever!

Leaning on the promises of God

Expectation minus reality equals disappointment

I totally love this quote! I heard it on Family Life Radio a couple of weeks ago (I think it was Dr. Randy Carlson who said it).

It's a really essential truth for me. Almost every time I feel down, sad or depressed I can link my emotion to a moment of disappointment - a time when I didn't get my way or have my expectations satisfied.

I have one close family member who seems to live in constant disappointment. I will prayerfully consider sharing this quote.

The truth of it is that this happens usually when my expectations/hopes are disordered or unrealistic. For example, using the Thin Within principles I can form my own expectation that I will melt down to a size 4. When that doesn't happen, if that was my hope, I will be left disappointed, maybe angry, probably sad and then I'll be on the road again to depression.

I have no promise of size 4. There is no logical reason for me to put my hopes/expectations in something that that probably isn't a reality for me. However, the Word of God is True! His promises are everlasting. There is no disappointment when I trust in the promises of God.

He promised a child to Sarah in her old age (Romans 9:9)
For this is the word of promise: “At this time I will come and Sarah shall have a son.”

He promised abundance to the Israelites (Deuteronomy 6:3)
Therefore hear, O Israel, and be careful to observe it, that it may be well with you, and that you may multiply greatly as the LORD God of your fathers has promised you—‘a land flowing with milk and honey.’

He promised to give us His Holy Spirit (Acts 1:4-5)
And being assembled together with them, He commanded them not to depart from Jerusalem, but to wait for the Promise of the Father, “which,” He said, “you have heard from Me; for John truly baptized with water, but you shall be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now.”

There are so many more! Help me Lord to believe in Your promises and to not be disappointed by selfish or man-made promises or desires!

For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.

1 Corinthians 1:20

Eve's curse

In my Monday night Ladies' Bible study we've been reading about Eve in John MacArthur's "Twelve Extraordinary Women". Today I was working on my homework for Monday night. Many of the questions are directed towards learning from Eve.

MacArthur argues that Eve was a very beautiful woman and, despite not having a lot of information about her, we do know that she was the pinnacle of God's creation. She was created to help (not in a demeaning way) and to be protected and lead. She was easily deceived. She was cursed with not just painful childbirth, but also a longing to be, or usurp, her husband.

I think it all boils down to the fact that, in her flesh, she desired to be like God - and that was her curse. This same curse has been passed down to all of the daughters of Eve - including me. My greatest struggle is submission to the Lord. Over and over in my homework lesson I saw the Lord pointing out to me that what I most lack is submission to Him.

His load is light and His burden is easy! At my Thin Within meeting on Thursday my buddy and I talked about our struggles to add some kind of "law" to His grace. I admitted that a huge temptation for me is to add counting calories to the 0-5 eating. I have to choose to not have a constant tally in my mind. ANY and EVERY thing that I do that adds something to His grace, that includes more than believing, trusting and resting in Him, is law.

In order to submit to the Lord, I must rest in Him and His provision for me. On Calvary, Christ's provision for me was grace, not only for eternal salvation, but for each and every moment of my life. He has provided me a body that works. It works! I have all of my parts! It functions correctly! I spend 5 days a week working with people who's bodies aren't ok, that aren't functioning properly. How can I ignore what God has provided for me in my body?

In the Thin Within workbook, we're encouraged to keep a light food log: indicate starting number, the food that I ate and approximate amount, the number I was at after and how I felt while eating. I was really reluctant to keep the log because, in the past, I had a tendency to obsessively focus on calories. The Lord has helped me to just use the log as an accountability tool. I'm thankful.

I'm also thankful for the (FINALLY) cooler weather. The highs have been in the 80s or low 90s, so I've gotten to start jogging again. It is the exercise that makes me feel the best. I can't run the whole distance, I walk parts, but I'm thankful to get out and get moving!

Finally, by relying on God He is showing me when I need to eat and when I need to stop. I've never stopped after just two pieces of pizza! Wow! Plus, it was homemade (ok, I bought the dough, my dough never come out that great).

Little by little...poco a poquito...tiny progress, but I'm noting moving backward :)

Lavish abundance

Several years ago, when I was working for McDonald's, one day I was eating lunch in the break room. One of the managers was also there and she was listening to a preacher on the radio. I don't remember his topic, but I do remember how he referred to God's love. It is laaaavish. Not just "lavish" - imagine the word dripping off your tongue like butter. Imagine cake slathered in frosting. God's love is "laaaavish".

I like telling that story (in person!) whenever I'm in an environment where we're talking about God's lavish love/grace/mercy/kindness/etc.

In my ladies' Bible study we're now going through John MacArthur's "Twelve Extraordinary Women". Chapter 1 is about Eve. I'd like to quote a paragraph from the text on page 11:

"[Satan] twists the meaning of God's Word: "Has God indeed said, 'You shall not eat of every tree of the garden'?" God's commandment had actually come to Adam as a positive statement: "Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat" (Gen. 2:16-17 NKJV, emphasis added). The serpent casts the command in negative language ("You shall not eat of every tree"), making God's expression of lavish generosity sound like stinginess. He was deliberately misrepresenting the character and the command of God."

I underlined the part that most stand out to me. Do I, in my attempt to have control and maintain self-sufficiency, view God's grace and compassion towards me as stingy? In my desire to lose weight, am I angered by the 'limit' imposed on food in the Thin Within plan as stinginess?

What has the Lord not provided for me? What do I lack? I lack nothing physical - even in the tightest times of my life I've always had a roof over my head and enough to eat. I lack nothing spiritual (in Christ I have everything I need for life and godliness). So what am I whining about?

In my Thin Within meeting tonight we were talking about grace and belief. We need not "do" anything - just believe. It sounds simple, but it is often more easily said than done in my life!

Lord, your love is poured out upon me lavishly. You continue to moment by moment provide for an abundant life. Let me never consider You to be stingy just because I don't get my way. You have given me so much more than I could ever ask or hope for. Thank You!

Reflections on the gluttony talk

I've been mulling over in my mind some of the points that Crystal Munson made in her gluttony talk (see the link in the previous post). Her talk wasn't intellectual and she spoke as a person who is still dealing with gluttony (even if she doesn't indulge in it, the temptation continues lurking...).

She started with Philippians 3:18-19
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.

She said that these verses speak nothing of the outward appearance of people, rather it deals with their attitude towards Christ. I, like her, think, "I'm not an enemy of Christ, like the verse says," but the truth is that if my god is my stomach and if my mind is on earthly things, then I am, in my actions, defined as an enemy to Christ.

Now, I know that eternally, I am not an enemy to Christ. He made that possible on Calvary. Colossians 2.17 says "To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Also, Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The live I now live I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." So, as a believer Christ is in me, but I don't always behave that way.

For years I never knew or saw gluttony as a sin, but now that I know, I have no excuse. The truth is, most of the time I don't want to submit to His teaching or leading. I want to do things my way, but when I behave that way it only goes to prove that in my actions I am an enemy to Christ.

Thank you, lord, for showing me truly that gluttony is sin. You hate sin. You have provided an abundant life for me to live and have provided ways for me to turn from temptation. Thank You for Your Word which teaches me and guides me. Even now, help me to turn to You and choose to believe what You say is eternal Truth.

As I meditate more on the talk I'll add to these thoughts.

Talk on gluttony

The gal that I meet with bi-weekly for the Thin Within workbook #1 sent me the following link on a talk at a women's conference:

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/christian-womanhood-/gluttony

I think it's really worthwhile to listen to. It's almost an hour in length. The speaker, Crystal Munson, gives her own transparent testimony about her past and current struggles with this sin and gives some helpful verses to back up her exhortations to those also battling it.

My TW buddy found her talk especially helpful to understand the sinfulness of gluttony. I'm thankful for it, as well, since it's not a often discussed sin in the church body.

The speaker encourages the listeners to prayerfully study Bible passages (any passage, actually) and ask the Lord to show us how His Word speaks to us about our habitual sin of gluttony. I think that's a super exercise and hope to implement it into my Bible study time. This summer as I went through Beth Moore's "Stepping Up" study I chose to focus my pilgrimage on my journey away from gluttony and towards freedom in Christ. We didn't have to have any particular focus for that study but I think (1) it helped me apply what I was learning to real life and (2) it gave me another vehicle from which I could contend with this habitual sin. Practice makes perfect!

Forgiven and Loved

Have you ever heard the song "Forgiven and Loved" by Jimmy Needham? If not, look it up on youtube or another service. It brings joy to my heart.

I am both forgiven and loved by the One whose grace and mercy is great enough to accept me just as I am and who works out my sanctification on a daily basis.

I have no ability on my own to submit to the Lord or to have any spiritual growth. He accomplishes it in me.

This week in the TW workbook #1 I looked up Zechariah 4.6 which says:
Then he [the LORD] said, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel saying, 'Not by might nor by power, but by my spirit,' says the LORD of hosts.

Only by the Spirit of the Most Holy can I get out of the pit of selfish gluttony.

For the first several months of this year I was fairly successful in 0-5 eating, but I have to confess that recently my eating has been entirely out of whack. I've stalled in weight loss since July and sometimes I find myself using everything in me to not eat anymore. I know that my focus is not on the Lord. I know it. I am in a food-funk and I can't figure my way out. My only hope is to continue in prayer and study, hanging on to anything that the Lord provides, until He finally pulls me out of this. I feel that this is an issue that will just last a season, but I wonder how lengthy this season is.

God, you are good. I know from Colossians 1.27 (from TW this week) that my hope for glory is Christ abiding in me.

I'd write more but I got called to a trauma -