TW Day 20

I don't have too much planned for the weekend, so I'm hoping to sit down with a pen and some paper and really work through the forgiveness exercises from Thin Within Day 20 (and 19).

There's a lot of 'stuff' that I've left behind without dealing with it. Recently I've had a lot of present-time frustration and lack of forgiveness. Won't I be able to minister better if I "cast off that which hinders me" (Hebrews 12.1)? How many times have I read this verse never considering that my own lack of forgiveness was hindering me!

Lord, please do a new thing in me by helping me to release the burden of unforgiveness. I want to have the same kind of love for people that You have. Fill me with Your love so I can minister to others! Free me from my self-imposed bondage so I can serve You!


***I just found a great Russian proverb/saying that roughly translates to:

Fasting doesn't kill, but gluttony does.

Frustration, Food and Forgiveness

I have been feeling anxious and frustrated for several days now. I know that the root of it all is that I'm not getting my way and I am holding my desires in a death grip. Yesterday, I broke down in tears because our house needs yet another set of repairs. Money has been getting tighter and tighter and this was this straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

I have been needing to go to God minute-by-minute to maintain any sense of peace. My gut instinct is to distract myself by watching TV, going to the gym, reading a book or something else. Additionally, I have been having cravings for food that I don't eat or rarely eat anymore. Last night all I wanted was mac and cheese and french fries (not together). This morning, in a saner state of mind, they both sound incredibly unappealing, but they were all I could think about yesterday. I told my husband and he directed me towards a salad, which I ate. It was good. It gave me the nourishment I needed without the emotional Band-Aid.

I was amazed by Heidi's blog this morning (http://godisdoinganewthing.blogspot.com/2009/07/chapter-20-i-realized-there-were.html) as my recent frustrations seem to line up with hers. I haven't read Day 20 yet - that is my plan for tonight. I know I still have a lot of baggage (I accidentally originally wrote 'naggage' - Freudian slip? hehehe) to deal with.

Man, aren't I tired by now of dragging around the same old stuff from year to year, from situation to situation. How wonderful it will be to be freed up from this emotional baggage!

I'm trying to make the conscious decision to go to God in thanks each time I get anxious and I try to get a realistic perspective on things. Also, I'm really digging the book 'The Satisfied Heart". I am convinced that the Lord is allowing these things to happen now so that I can learn and grow from it as I am helpful guided by "The Satisfied Heart" and "Thin Within". God doesn't torture me for kicks, He has a righteous plan that glorifies Himself every step of the way.

The Satisfied Heart

Throughout the last several months, ans now even more doing the Thin Within study, I am seeing more and more the need to make God my all - my Provider, my satisfaction and my love. He is showing me more deeply and in more tangible ways the things that I cling to for security and love and that I need to know Him and reach for Him instead.

Several months ago I was recommended the book "The Satisfied Heart" by Ruth Myers (she also wrote 31 Days of Praise). It is written as a 31-day devotional, with an extensive introduction, on experiencing God's love. I've read through the first four days. In some ways it seems quite simple and in other ways it is so profound that I can't quite wrap my head around it.

I am encouraged by it, though, to know God in a new way and to look to Him for my satisfaction - not even to look to His blessings, but to look to His Person. The author has walked with the Lord closely for so many years and it would be easy for me to get discouraged y thinking "I can't do this, it's too much". But just as the TW steps can be daunting at first, they can also be practiced with the Lord's help. I just have to know that the Lord is pleased any time that I turn to Him, even if it's only momentarily. I'm sure that, as I continue to practice, it will become easier and more delightful!

On page 19 she shares a note of encouragement that she received after losing her first husband. It said, "May you find in the Lord Jesus Christ your Boaz." God lead her to the book of Ruth where, after also becoming widowed, she was rescued, in a sense, by Boaz who cared for all of her needs. The truth is, whether we have husbands or not, the Lord Jesus must be the one who satisfies all of our needs. I love my husband. He's awesome (a little nerdy, but awesome nonetheless)! But what a relief that my husband doesn't have to satisfy all of my needs. He's nowhere capable of doing that. And I'm sure it's a relief to him as well!

In the day 4 section, Ruth writes about how she felt overwhelmed by the verse commanding us to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. I thought, "Amen to that! How do you do it?" Ruth later found love from God in this verse. How amazing that He would esteem us so much that He would want US to love Him! I could command my husband to love me ( he, of course, would roll his eyes at me) and that would make sense in the fact that I love my husband and I want him to love me. It would be odd for me to approach a stranger on the street and say, "Love me! Love me!" I can only give and expect love from someone that I am in relation with. God cares enough for all of us that He desires love from us.

That's some pretty amazing news!

I am so enjoying this book and I pray that I'll learn more about being relational with God through it.

Stepping Up - Session 3

I am so enjoying the Stepping Up series by Beth Moore. I have had many moments in the past where I was not her biggest fan - I'm not as feelings-gooshy and family-oriented as she is and, because of that, I've often had a hard time relating to what she says. But I do love deep Bible study with her.

In Session 3 of the Stepping Up series Beth talks about Psalm 127 and how God surrounds His people. She also talked a good deal about another annual pilgrimage feast (the Psalms of Ascent that we are studying in this series were routinely said as pilgrims made their way up to Jerusalem) - the Feast of Weeks, also known as Pentecost.

This particular feast was a time for the Israelites to remember their former bondage (i.e. slavery in Egypt, captivity in Babylon). Beth talked about the importance of remembering our past and remembering our bondage. It was all so good that I was madly writing in my margins and barely got it all!

Beth talked about habitual sin. Hers in the past was different than mine, but gluttony has the exact same effect. She talked about how you get to a desperate state of sin-repent-sin and you hope that you'll be freed-up from your binding sin just because you want that freedom bad enough. It never works that way. What does work, she says, is the Word of God. "You can't help but be healed when you're in the Word."

She says (and I paraphrase) "Don't ever think that your struggle is the one that God's Word can't break. If you take Him at His Word He can liberate you."

Once you/me/we are liberated, she indicates, once we experience His immeasurable grace in our lives, then He can use that bondage, that sin, that memory for His glory. Amen! That's amazing! And I know it's true - I've seen it happen. If you've been liberated from depression, you can minister to those in it. If you've been delivered from gambling, you can help show others the way out. My hope and prayer is that someday in the future I will be able to help others by showing them Christ so they can be freed from gluttony, too.

"Lord, never let me forget this experience," Beth says. As painful as the memories may be, they are all linked to God's amazing and abundant grace.

Beth also mentioned that the Feast of weeks was also a time of generosity - of generous grace and generous giving. I want to be generous and graceful to others, but my critical judgements in my mind have shown me that I don't extend much grace to others.

Beth went on to say (again, paraphrase), "If you are a graceful person you remember your bondage. To the degree that I understand and experience grace, I will be graceful to others."

Maybe I don't understand the amazingness of His grace. Maybe I'm not very thankful. Oh, I want to be that person!

There's so much more that she said that stuck with me, but one thing in particular gives me hope:

"He knows this turns out good. You might as well go with it."

Praise God! He knows my future and He knows it is good. I might as well start moving in that direction. Why fight it? Why fight Him?

Make the most of it!

I'm at work at the hospital and it's about 3:30 in the morning on a Sunday. I just got finished interpreting for a neurosurgeon who told a family that their 19-year-old son is brain dead. Sometimes I hate my job.

I just got back to my office where I have KLOVE on and it started playing "How could I ask for more" by Cindy Morgan. I thought I was ok, but the lyrics to the song made me cry.

It's not what you do, it's how you live.

I want to live sincerely "no guilt in life, no fear of death" - the power of Christ living in me. I want to live full of gratitude, not bitterly holding on to old angers. I want to move on, get freed-up, leave gluttony behind and walk hand-in-hand with the Lover of my soul.

Live well! You don't know how much time you have.

TW days 17 and 18

I really enjoy the focuses of days 17 and 18 in the TW book. Day 17 and Gratitude are just what I need and Day 18 and Boundaries are a wonderful help!

David, my husband, graduated from his mater's program in May and hasn't had a job offer yet. We're doing ok - if it weren't for his student loans we could live completely on my income, albeit tightly. We finally had some rain here this week which let us find out that we've got a pretty substantial leak in our roof :( The repair will be a big chunk of change.

When I learned this I really started to get anxious and I went into my "no-money" plan mode. Money was really tight for me after I finished my BA and God taught me how to live on almost nothing while still paying back student loans. It can be done (sí se puede!). This time around, though, I have to teach my husband. He's a pretty frugal guy, but not quite the penny-pincher I've been.

All that to say that God gave me the Gratitude section to read that very night. It was like He was saying, "Helloooo! Do you see all that you have, all that I've provided for? Come to me and I'll give you MY plan for your best." It was calming and humbling all at the same time!

I have, however, implemented, effective immediately, some changes to the household :) We live in an HOA that doesn't like clothes lines. We live in Arizona fro crying out loud! It's been 115 in the past days. If I hang clothes out they will be dry in 20 minutes (no kidding, I used to do it at my old house). My husband wants us to behave (I'm rolling my eyes a little) so, we have a line INSIDE the house. They take longer to try, but we're not using the dryer. :)

Secondly, I always really appreciate lessons on godly boundaries. Growing up I pushed some boundaries and maintained others and I know that, in general, our flesh doesn't like to have limits enforced, but they are good and healthy. For example, we like physical boundaries. In the neonatal ICU at my hospital, the nurses and therapists create boundaries for the babies (usually something along the line of rolled up blankets to form a nest around the baby). We were so used to the confines of our mother's womb that suddenly being outside of it is scary - especially for premies who aren't ready yet. For the same reason full-term babies get tightly swaddled. It's comforting.

In my one experience scuba diving I was staying at a dive instruction school off the coast of Honduras. When we went out on dives, they would take us to beautiful coral reefs that sloped down the embankment of the island. To one side, the reef, to the other, the wide, deep blue ocean. This was the one time in life that I was agoraphobic. It's so immense and unending. I didn't want to drift away from the relative safety of the reef into the unknown. I thought at that very moment, "Thank You, Lord for boundaries! Now I see a tangible reason why You made them! Even when I think things are ok, I don't know about everything that could happen, so You give me boundaries for my protection."

I also know now that the Lord gives boundaries just as discipline to show us the importance of following him. My buddy the other night was talking about Marine boot camp. A group of recruits had to tread water without touching their faces. After a few minutes one guy did. The drill sergeant singles him out and made him tread longer while the others watched. I asked why they couldn't touch their faces. My buddy said it's to break their will so they learn to do nothing apart from what their commanding officer orders.

Fortunately, our heavenly Drill Sergeant loves us and caringly teaches us. God has never told me, "Drop and give me 50!" but He has, at times, showed me very clearly His boundaries for my life. Sometimes I've been obedient, sometimes I've learned the very, very hard way.

These two lessons are amazing and so useful for me! I'm so very thankful that the TW book/program isn't about just not eating for the glory of God, but that it gives me very tangible, real and helpful tools to change my relationship with Him. I'll have to write the TW organization to thank them. :)

Bleh...

Yesterday I felt famished all day. I had two bowls of cereal for breakfast and a large bowl of curry and rice for lunch. I think it's because I was dehydrated.

I also really wanted a cookie.

I tend to have these cravings that are insistent. Since starting the TW book study I have had success in not succumbing to them. Last night was not one of those times. When I got home, I just wanted something sweet - I wanted a cookie. But, we don't have any (as my husband says it's because I haven't made any). So, I had a little ice cream with a piece of chocolate. It wasn't much, but I wasn't hungry. This lead me down the path to stuffing my face with my husband's sugared cereal. I ate like 4 bowls worth. It was terrible.

I ate so much that I was too full to go to the gym. Double-whammy.

Observe and correct! I did that which DOES NOT serve me. I hope I remember to go to the Lord next time instead of the Costco-sized bag of cereal.

:)

Prayer

Apparently the Lord really wants to get it through my head that prayer is important! It's not that I don't pray but my prayer life is lacking. The Lord is not the central focus in most of my activities/relationships. Thank you, God, for teaching me this before I get too far away!

Our church is going through a sermon series on prayer. It's been really great to learn about prayer in a new way. Yesterday the sermon title was "prayer faux pas" - that maybe our prayers reflect what we feel we need rather than what God wants most for us. The pastor gave us various examples from Paul's prayers in Ephesians 1 and 4 and Colossians 1 about what to pray for. Some of the topics were the knowledge of God, wisdom from Him, purity and peace - these all being things more eternally essential than even important issues on earth like health and basic necessities.

The pastor also pointed out some prayers that sound good but may not be reasonable. My favorite example is about saying grace before the meal:

"Dear Lord, thank you for this Big Mac. Bless it to nourish my body. Amen"

That is, praying that the Lord will give my Big Mac the same kind of nutrition as a bowl of veggies. :) This was a great example for me because it made me think of some of the shallow or self-serving prayers that I have said during my study in the TW book.

Lord, teach me to pray! Help me to praise You for who You are and to ask for Your guidance, leading and care. Lord, show me what You want for my life and correct me when I ask You to bless MY plan. Amen.

TW days 15 and 16

I have had some difficulty with the activities in days 15 and 16 in the TW book. I see that I still have a lot to give over to the Lord.

First, I see my lack of prayerful eating. I may pray before eating, but I often lack in speaking to the Lord while I'm eating. I am not practicing the conscious eating key #2 "Reduce the number of distractions to eat in a clam environment". I've noticed mainly that either 1) I am paying attention to the people that I am eating with and not to my food; 2) I am choosing distraction by reading, having the TV on or 'multi-tasking' at work; or 3) I have been at a 0 for longer than I want and therefore I scarf down whatever is laid in front of me.

In the day 15 activity, "The first meal of the rest of your life", I found it was hard to be still with the Lord and to eat slowly. This is something that I need to pray about. Obviously, even though I may not be using food to push down emotions as before, I am still finding ways to avoid feeling things that are uncomfortable.

I think this was a helpful and very apropos activity to mark the halfway point through the book.

The day 16 activity was hard because I had to face some significant (i.e. difficult) times in my life. One thing I found in all of them, however, was that God made Himself known to me at just the right moment. Just when I thought I was going to lose it, He showed Himself in love to me. I also realized that three of the moments that I chose came to a head at about the same time - 8th grade - which was also when I came to know the Lord as my Savior. I always look back at my junior high years as a dreadful time, but this activity helped me to see that the Lord allowed such things so that my heart would be ready for Him.

I was additionally struck by a sentence at the top of page 161:
"And He empowers us by His amazing grace to experience the results He desires."

I live in a time and place where the term 'empowerment' is thrown around all of the time (and it is such a hard term to define in other cultures - it's difficult to translate at work!). The thing is, it's always spoken of in terms of 'self-empowerment' - that I am to do something to make myself able. That's a sham! How do I make myself more powerful? I can try to convince myself and others that I am, but that doesn't really mean it. The power that I am comes from the Holy God living in me!

The Lord says in Exodus 9:16:
"But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."

And this promise He gives in Acts 1:8:
"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

So, I have His power. How? By His amazing grace! It is so undeserved, but I am so thankful that He give it to me. This grace is His unmerited favor towards me. Why? Simply because I am His creation and loved by the One whose name is love (1 John 3).

Lastly, and this is the most profound to me, "...to experience the results He desires." He works His power and grace in me with the result being His plan. Not my plan. His plan is great, magnificent, awe-inspiring and, even though He does care about the most minute details of my life, including my weight, His ultimate results have nothing to do with my physical body. His desire, I believe, is reflected in many of Paul's prayers for believers:

Colossians 1.9-12:
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Nothing in this prayer refers to weight gain, good health, having a job or even providing for my family. Every request has to do with my spiritual health and relationship with the Lord.

Father, thank you so much for these activities in the TW book. They're so hard at times. You know it! But I;m thankful for them because they show me how You have been present in my life even in the hard times. You are amazingly and abundantly more gracious, loving and kind than I could ever imagine or hope for. Let me not waste your goodness! Help me be a good steward of everything that You give me for whatever amount of time that You keep me here. Praise Your name, Holiest God, Jehovah jirah (my provider) and el-roi (the God who sees). Amen!

Cautious freedom

I was reading through some of Heidi's older posts (http://godisdoinganewthing.blogspot.com/) about eating and exercise and felt like I could relate.

About this time 4 years ago I started losing weight by obsessively counting calories and working out. It did me some good in the short term. I lost about 20 pounds (only to find them again). Actually, my lowest is only a tad less than my current weight.

The difference between then and now is that before I felt like it was a huge struggle and sacrifice. I gave myself X calories per day and I was constantly keeping a running total in my head. I worked out every day for at least an hour. Sometimes I was at the gym 3-4 hours on a Saturday. At that time I was working on my master's thesis and as soon as I had to pour all of my time and energy into the project, I had to quit going to the gym so often. With that, the weight poured back on. I gained back everything I lost within 3-4 months (it was also over Christmas).

Also, during that time, I was really vain. I was constantly checking myself out in mirrors (or reflective windows - anything shiny) and, since I had a nice income, I spent a lot on new clothing. I constantly wanted to look good. [Side note - it was during this time that I met my now-husband, so maybe at least it benefited him - hehehe]

The Lord has been so wonderful to me in 2009 in respect to gluttony and body issues. Using the TW principles I don't feel deprived. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing so much (blah, blah, blah). I feel free and I feel like God is going to do more.

That said, I'm optimistically cautious. I have a limit as to how much working out I can do in a given week. Part of that is so I don't obsess. The other part is that I know it's not sustainable over the long term. At some point I won't be able to work out 5-7 times in a week, so I don't start. (Ok, there was one week back in April when I went 5 times in a week, but I knew it was just a special case because I got to go to some free dance classes with my coworker.) Three is a good, healthy limit for me currently.

Part of this limit is because my mind-set was that of an 'exercise bulimic'. I thought, "If I can just work out enough, I can eat what I want." I've know for a long time that my bondage to food was the reason I was overweight. I thought that, as long as I could burn off the calories, I could eat whatever I pleased. I've struggled with this so much and I've known, as a follower of Christ, that gluttony is a sin. So, I started searching out biblical truth about gluttony and sin hoping to be freed, but focusing on the "bad-ness" of the sin doesn't save me from it. Only Christ does. I knew that I couldn't possibly exercise enough to burn all of the calories that I desired to consume. I was so frustrated!

I've gone through the materials of "The Lord's Table". It's good, solid information, but I wasn't ready to give it all up. After the 30 days was over, I essentially went back to eating as before. Because of that, it's essential that I don't look at Thin Within as a program, or day 30 as a limit. These are just keys to guide me to the Lord.

At the beginning of Thin Within (day 3, I think), we're asked to set a God-directed goal for the duration of the study. I didn't set one because I didn't hear anything from God. I think He just wants me to persevere and He'll tell me when I've made it to my destination. Sure, I've got personal goals that I would love to attain: have a BMI in the "normal weight" range, wear single-digit sized pants, go down a size on my wedding ring... but I figure that if I put myself into the Lord's hands, He'll do whatever is best.

Surrounded by God and other thoughts

I was finishing up my Beth Moore homework in the "Stepping Up" series which has been a great companion in my walk through TW. I wanted just to share some of the amazing things I read.

Psalm 125:2
As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people both now and forevermore.

Stepping Up (SU) p. 71:
God has you surrounded. His presence looms over you from every direction.

What a joyful promise!

Psalm 126
1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed.
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.

In explaining the importance to sow in order to reap, Beth shares this story (SU p.81)

"Isak Pretorius said, 'One of the most frustrating things is that in villages where they receive seed, they often eat the seed rather than planting it and bringing forth harvest.' I couldn't get the statement out of my mind and suddenly had an answer to the questions I most often ask God: Why do some people see the results of the Word and others don't? Why do some study the Word of God yet remain in their captivity?"

I sit here stupefied. Why have I struggled to "get it"? for so long? Why haven't I made more progress in my walk despite enormous amounts of good teaching and community? Because I ate the seed instead of sowing it. For so many years that I read about the armor of God, rather than giving it a place to take root in my life, I just ingested the message and moved on.

(Of course, the pun about "eating" the seed is not lost on me in my journey to freedom from gluttony.)

Lord, help me not to be wasteful with Your word and teaching. Remind me to meditate on it and find an application for it so there will be an affect on my life. Be glorified, Lord, because You have changed me.

From the media

I was reading on msnbc.com this morning and I found an article titled "8 ways the food industry hijacks your brain. It's fairly interesting.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31832558/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/

Below is a link to an interview with the same Dr. Kessler from the above article:
http://www.salon.com/env/feature/2009/06/18/overeating/print.html

I like to have this information. I don't want to get wrapped-up in it or become obsessive, but I appreciate disclosure about the food I consume. I think it helps me make better choices.

There's a documentary coming out called "Food Inc" about practices of the food industry. There is a trailer on their website: http://www.foodincmovie.com/

A few years back I really enjoyed the film "Supersize Me" about large, fatty portions served at McDonald's. One thing I will say: it's not entirely McD's fault. Humans walk themselves into the restaurants, order whatever they like and proceed to eat too much. That's really the bottom line.

I actually worked my way through college at McDonald's. Yes, they have stuff that is terrible for the human body (I used to love the steak and egg bagel - good thing it's not sold in the Phoenix market!), but they have other choices. In my last semester of college I decided to lose weight. At that time I was working 5-6 days a week and so I was eating there about 2 meals a day. I lost 25 pounds that semester because I made huge changes in what I was eating: almost nothing fried, lots of salads, vegetables on everything, no biscuits and I ate an ice cream cone almost everyday.

It's about choices and knowing that all things are permissible, but not all things are profitable.

Day 11 TW - whoa

This chapter gave me another moment of revelation. I think God has slowly been working this idea in me for awhile, but just now is is coming all together.

As a younger Christian I had major difficulties with marriages passages in the Bible (like Ephesians 5. 22 and following) because I had grown up in an environment where I was taught that men weren't to be trusted. The Lord slowly got me through that and taught me that honoring my husband, if I were to have one, was an act of worship to the Lord (it really wasn't about my husband at all). Last year, before our wedding, my husband and I went through pre-marital counseling with a couple at our church. I really dug into what "submit" means. The Greek word transliterates as 'hypotasso': 'hypo' meaning 'under' and 'tasso' roughly meaning 'rank'. This is a military term. Soldiers know their rank and file and know they must maintain it for the good of their unit.

I have my own 'rank and file' in my marriage and at my work and I maintain my place (ok, sometimes I fight against it) for the good of my marriage and for the good of my job. What about my 'rank and file' place in the Lord's kingdom?

I've done lots of studies and heard many sermons on Romans 12:1:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship

And I've often heard people comment that the reason why this is so hard for us is because a living sacrifice (in comparison with a dead one) can slink off of the table. I've had a desire for years to offer myself to the Lord, but I was never successful for more than a short while and I didn't understand why.

I think I get it now.

Even though my mouth was saying, "Yes, Lord, I'm Yours," my heart and my mind were off doing their own thing. I said,"Thy will be done," but I never lived in a state of giving my will over. I think I was unable, not just unwilling, but I think I had so much selfish pride hardening me that I did not have the capability to sacrificially follow the Lord.

If I'm convinced that I have to do what my bosses say to keep my job, I'm going to do it. I think I wasn't convinced of my place in the Lord's kingdom. I've got to 'hypotasso' myself to the Lord so He can accomplish what He has planned.

What rambling! It seems so simple and I'm sure it's not so hard for others to understand, but I think I get it now. My job is to obey the Lord in my God-given place in the kingdom. I'm not the master of my body. I didn't make it, I don't make it function and I don't know when it will stop functioning. Only the Lord knows! If I leave it to Him it seems like there's less for me to worry about. I can't believe how blown away I am. Lord, help me to know this Truth, to make it my own and to live it out. You are the best Commander-in-Chief! Amazingly, my 'rank and file' position isn't as just some unnamed foot soldier, no! I am an adopted daughter of the Most High. What an honored place! Thank, God, for teaching me. Help me to follow You when my flesh seems more comfortable and guide me to continually give my will over to Yours. Amen!

Protection

Over the weekend we studied Ephesians at our retreat. I started reading and looking at the epistle in new ways. First, I began reading it correctly (that is, reading it word-for-word and not adding or deleting anything) and second, I read it with my struggle against gluttony in mind. I think that giving myself a focus, rather than reading it in the abstract, helped me glean more from the passage.

One example of that is Chapter 6.10-18 about the armor of God. I have read this, memorized this and taught this in Sunday school but I never really grasped how I could put on the armor. This time, I decided to apply it to my standing against Satan's attempts to lure me into food idolatry and using food to replace God.

6.10-13
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

This tells me that I have to be strong IN THE LORD. Not in myself or in other, but in Him. Twice in this passage I see that I have to put on the FULL armor of God. Part of it is insufficient. I also learn that the point of this is is to stand my ground against my real enemies, not my body, but against Satan's forces.

14. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

I have to be surrounded by truth. It encompasses me front, back and sides because I've got to know the truth and be ready to stand against lies.

I have to be covered by righteousness. Where do I get that? from Jesus. He is my righteousness. A breastplate covers the vital organs of a warrior and Jesus covers me.

15. and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

I've got to be ready to move wherever the Lord leads me (maybe to change my behaviors or reactions). Jesus is my peace. That is good news.

16. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Faith, belief, is an amazing thing. It directs my thoughts and causes my behavior. Only by believing what god says is true will I be able to stand against the lies and the hurts that Satan will throw.

17. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I have to have my mind full of salvation. Satan will try to sabotage my thinking more than anything. I have to know that I know that I know that my salvation is sure in Christ.

Up until now all of the parts of the armor have been defensive in nature. One part is offensive: the sword of the Spirit, the word of God. His gospel, His story, His good news and teachings. I have to know these so I can use them when needed to strike a blow against Satan's lies.

18. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Usually the armor of God ends with verse 17, but over the weekend I saw the importance of verse 18. I've got to pray. I've got to be in communication with my commanding officer. If I am submitting to Him I have to move as He directs. Can you imagine a soldier running off on his own? He'll get creamed. The same thing will happen to me if I try to stand against Satan without direct communication from God.

This is something that I hope I will come back to time and again. :) It's really good stuff.

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On another note:

My husband has commented to me a few times that I have "body issues". He's right. I do. After our retreat I told him how I had spent most of the weekend feeling pretty good and not hating the way I look because of what some of our friends had said. He asked me to elaborate and I told him that I had taken picture with a bunch of friends and one called me 'photogenic' another said I looked 'amazing'. (I'm not trying to justify my feelings based on what others say, this is just the point I'm at right now.) To this my husband replied, "I think you just don't understand how good you really look." My response was to ball my eyes out. Very deep down (and I think this fits into the category of 'fat machinery') I believe that I AM fat and unattractive. That is my identity. I have been told for so many years (often it is me telling myself) how fat, ugly, manly and un-cute I am. It was too difficult for me to sit in and accept the feelings washing over me when my husband said that. I very quickly regained 'control' by making a joke and changing the subject.

This is going to be a tough issue to deal with.

The light bulb goes on and more fat machinery

Last week I had a personal epiphany when I was reading Day 9 from TW. on page 89 it says:

"He holds your future and longs to give you His hope."

I began meditating on this sentence. He absolutely and eternally holds my future. What does that mean? I know I'll never be perfect in this body, but I know that I will be totally free from sin in heaven. That is my future. That is my hope/assurance. I quote that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" and that I am "more than a conqueror" in Christ, but do I believe it? If I did I would live like a person who knows that my future is free from gluttony. It would be like if an athlete were told, "You'll win gold at the Olympics. It is fore sure. You just have to train now to become that person." The Lord has told me that I'll be free (maybe not until heaven) so I should start living like that free person.

I can't say enough how this is changing my outlook. The other day I wanted a snack that I wasn't hungry for. Rather than whining on the inside "Oh poor me! I have to give up so much!" I said to myself, "The Yvonne of the future, the one freed up from gluttony, doesn't eat like this," and it's easier to walk away.

All that from one little sentence.

I did the Day 10 reading on Saturday. I love the eagle in the chicken yard story. My Sunday school teacher has been using that for years as an illustration of how the right thinking makes all the difference. His famous (well, to those who know him) quote is:

Belief causes behavior.

This weekend was our Sunday school class'/community group's annual retreat. We get out of the heat and head north to the mountains. It's beautiful and serene. We studied Ephesians this weekend and had a lot of fun. I knew going into it that I would face some fat machinery. We always have a ton of food and there is a tradition of having an additional snack table. There is a tendency to eat so many snacks that we're not really hungry for meals. I made a decision before we went that I was not going to spend my weekend living off of the snack table. That doesn't mean that I was going to make the table a taboo (it's not about the snack table), but that I would consciously wait until I was hungry and wait for meals. I'm not going to die or pass out if I don't eat at the exact moment when I get hungry. As it turned out, it was a pretty good weekend for me in the realm of food and I wasn't complaining of being too full like usual. Praise the Lord. This was a huge step for me.

You WERE once darkness, now you ARE light

This weekend is our annual community group/Sunday school class retreat. We get out of the heat and head up north into the White Mountains of Arizona. We always do an in-depth reading study of some New Testament book. This year we are studying Ephesians (God must really want me to get something out of this book - we just finished a ladies' study of it in April) and I have been assigned Chapter 5 verses 8-21. A couple of people are assigned to each section and we do a little talk about what we've learned with the rest of the group.

Truly, I have read this book and this section many times and there are parts that I felt like I already knew by rote study. This, however, is not the case as the Lord is teaching me, tweaking my understanding, putting it into a new perspective and asking me to apply it along with what I've learned thus far in the TW study.

Verse 8 begins (NASB): for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light

I am certain that every time I've read this before I've inserted my own words making it "for you were formerly IN darkness." NO! I WAS darkness. That was my identity. That was my being, my past and my future until I knew God and then HE MADE ME LIGHT. That is now my new identity and my future.

Next, in verse 11 it says: Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them;

Do you know that I always used to read that as something that I should go do for OTHERS? What I mean is, I took this verse and saw it as a calling to go tell everyone else how dark they are. NO! I am to expose MY OWN DARK DEEDS. I was reading on Rev. Ken Collins' web page and he says this:

"Professed Christians who refuse to sacrifice a momentary advantage to gain an eternal advantage cannot be placing much stock in what Jesus says. What are we to make of a person who professes to trust Christ for eternity, but can’t trust Him for the stretch until five o’clock? To paraphrase John, if you cannot trust Jesus for things that are present, how can you be trusting Jesus for things that are future? My theory is that people who say they trust Jesus for heaven but live in severe anxiety about their present circumstances are deceiving themselves.
Therefore, be children of the light, not children of darkness."

Wow! Can I trust God to sustain me and overcome my addiction to gluttony? If He is able to keep my soul from the depths of hell, do I believe that He will also rescue me from food lust?

Next, verse 16 says: making the most of your time, because the days are evil.

I never understood why the use of the word 'evil'. I think a better rendering of the Greek 'poneros', given the context, would be 'perilous, difficult, laborious or painful'. Times are tough. We live in a fallen world whose ruler wants nothing more than to make us stumble and stop believing in God.

I need to make the most of my time. Let me tell you: when I binge or even just eat too big of a meal I become so wasteful. First, I've wasted food. Second, my energy is gone. Third, I've probably spent a lot of money. Finally, I've lost time. I lose time while doing so much eating, but afterwards I get so sleepy as my body is trying to handle the overload of food that I'm unable to be productive for a few hours.

I don't know how much time the Lord has allotted to me on this Earth, but I have got to get with it. I don't want to look back and see that I could have done more if my face hadn't of been in the fridge the whole time.

Next verse 18: And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit,

Everyone uses this as a call to avoid libations - rightly so, but I think there's so much more. In the footnotes of my Bible it comments that some of the pagan worship in Ephesus at this time was propelled by drunkenness. Maybe they became euphoric, ecstatic and worshipful to their gods. Paul, however, urges the believers in Christ to be filled (read: controlled) by the Holy Spirit.

This morning on my way into work I was pondering this and I came to realize that I am often under the control of food rather than the Holy Spirit. I think about food, I read about it, I watch cooking shows on TV. Sometimes I already start dreaming about the next meal when I haven't finished the current one! I deal with some serious food lust (I love to cook and bake for others, as well). What will I be controlled by? Who will be my master? I can't serve both God and my stomach.

My last comment is on verse 20: always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;

I know that if I were in constant prayer, Bible study or other communion with God I wouldn't feel deprived of food or insanely compelled to go find some. Give thanks for ALL things. Even gluttony because it show me my utter need for the Lord.

Whew! That's a lot of stuff to work on! The Lord never lets us get bored!

Just a few pictures from our Boston/Bermuda trip:

It rained quite a bit in Bermuda - but we got a little bit of sunshine.



In Boston on a sunny day!



I'm in the stocks in Salem. My husband got a kick out of it.

My husband and I "walking" the Freedom Trail in Boston.

This is my sister, my husband and I at the Top of the Hub restaurant in the Prudential building. we went to celebrate my 30th birthday!

I'm a little behind in my TW reading. Last night I did the Day 7 Emotional Eating exercise. It was really informative. One mechanism in my personal "Fat Machinery" that wasn't listed was apathy. Eating because I just don't care. It happens not when I'm mad or frustrated, but when I just don't want to put out any more effort. I think my battle against apathy will be life-long because it has been a huge part of my growing-up life and it permeates so many aspects (work, friends, family, etc.).