Cautious freedom

I was reading through some of Heidi's older posts (http://godisdoinganewthing.blogspot.com/) about eating and exercise and felt like I could relate.

About this time 4 years ago I started losing weight by obsessively counting calories and working out. It did me some good in the short term. I lost about 20 pounds (only to find them again). Actually, my lowest is only a tad less than my current weight.

The difference between then and now is that before I felt like it was a huge struggle and sacrifice. I gave myself X calories per day and I was constantly keeping a running total in my head. I worked out every day for at least an hour. Sometimes I was at the gym 3-4 hours on a Saturday. At that time I was working on my master's thesis and as soon as I had to pour all of my time and energy into the project, I had to quit going to the gym so often. With that, the weight poured back on. I gained back everything I lost within 3-4 months (it was also over Christmas).

Also, during that time, I was really vain. I was constantly checking myself out in mirrors (or reflective windows - anything shiny) and, since I had a nice income, I spent a lot on new clothing. I constantly wanted to look good. [Side note - it was during this time that I met my now-husband, so maybe at least it benefited him - hehehe]

The Lord has been so wonderful to me in 2009 in respect to gluttony and body issues. Using the TW principles I don't feel deprived. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing so much (blah, blah, blah). I feel free and I feel like God is going to do more.

That said, I'm optimistically cautious. I have a limit as to how much working out I can do in a given week. Part of that is so I don't obsess. The other part is that I know it's not sustainable over the long term. At some point I won't be able to work out 5-7 times in a week, so I don't start. (Ok, there was one week back in April when I went 5 times in a week, but I knew it was just a special case because I got to go to some free dance classes with my coworker.) Three is a good, healthy limit for me currently.

Part of this limit is because my mind-set was that of an 'exercise bulimic'. I thought, "If I can just work out enough, I can eat what I want." I've know for a long time that my bondage to food was the reason I was overweight. I thought that, as long as I could burn off the calories, I could eat whatever I pleased. I've struggled with this so much and I've known, as a follower of Christ, that gluttony is a sin. So, I started searching out biblical truth about gluttony and sin hoping to be freed, but focusing on the "bad-ness" of the sin doesn't save me from it. Only Christ does. I knew that I couldn't possibly exercise enough to burn all of the calories that I desired to consume. I was so frustrated!

I've gone through the materials of "The Lord's Table". It's good, solid information, but I wasn't ready to give it all up. After the 30 days was over, I essentially went back to eating as before. Because of that, it's essential that I don't look at Thin Within as a program, or day 30 as a limit. These are just keys to guide me to the Lord.

At the beginning of Thin Within (day 3, I think), we're asked to set a God-directed goal for the duration of the study. I didn't set one because I didn't hear anything from God. I think He just wants me to persevere and He'll tell me when I've made it to my destination. Sure, I've got personal goals that I would love to attain: have a BMI in the "normal weight" range, wear single-digit sized pants, go down a size on my wedding ring... but I figure that if I put myself into the Lord's hands, He'll do whatever is best.