As I've been studying and learning about gluttony over the last few months and the role that it plays in my life I've seen that it has permeated nearly everything in my life. I have used food for all of the wrong reasons (I've mentioned these in previous posts). And, as I've mentioned before, I now see open spaces (of time, money, emotion, etc.) that were previously occupied by food. I would use food as a distraction, space filler and entertainment so I wouldn't have to feel anything other than good or entertained.
I've found that I have an inner drive toward entertainment, like I have a right to it. For example, I know that my body needs a certain level of exercise daily and weekly, mainly for migraine and back pain prevention. Most of the exercise I do is in a group setting through taking classes at the Y. When I've tried to encourage myself to exercise outside of a class environment I've found that I quickly get bored. I wanted to be entertained. I wanted to be distracted. From what? From work, from effort, from feeling not perfect o not good. I kept thinking that I would buy myself some kind of mp3 player so I could listen to music while exercising (I used to go jogging with a CD discman). I decided not to buy one because I know that the only reason is so that it will distract me and make me "feel good".
So, yesterday as I was driving home from work and the Lord really began talking to me and convicting me of the other things that I use as distraction and entertainment. The main thing is noise. I use noise in every form to drown out my feelings and in order to distract myself from thinking or dealing with not-so-fun stuff. When I'm at home either the TV or the radio is on. When I'm in the car the radio is on. I've started listening to the radio via Internet at work. I talk a lot. I talk to fill the silence. I talk for entertainment. I crack jokes at work to fill the space and to distract myself and my co-workers from hard situations (we work in a hospital and often encounter sad/difficult cases). I USE NOISE, ESPECIALLY MY OWN VOICE TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM REALITY.
In many ways this seems like too much to handle. Tell me I'm a glutton and ask me to live in dietary balance - fine. Tell me that I need to remove noise from my life and sit in stillness before the Lord - that is like telling a flea to climb Mt. Everest, it sounds impossible. Only with the Lord will I be able to do this. God, I don't even know where to start. Help me, Lord, to take every thought captive, to avoid idle speech and to eliminate excess noise, especially the garbage that does not glorify You.
So, it looks like the Lord wants to strip me bare of everything that I've used in place of Him. I think I'd better let Him teach me the lesson now. I don't want to fight this and give Him reason to give me laryngitis :)
4 comments:
Wow...you go. God is at work doing a new thing. The wonderful thing is, God isn't against joy or pleasure. Far from that, in fact! Jesus said that HIS joy would be in us and that this joy would be FULL, but you are so right...we use so many things to stifle the silent hunger screaming out in our souls...and it ends up biting us in the bottoms in the form of addictions and so forth. As you allow your inner voice to be honored...actually welcome it and allow the Lord to answer the cry, you will experience his healing, refreshment and the things that once stifled the truth can be used by the Lord to cause such gratitude and yet more joy...not to stifle anything...but to rejoice in Him totally laid bare...I am thrilled by your willingness, your openness, your vulnerability with the Lover of Your Soul!
Thank you for your complete honesty in this post. Amazing. I look forward to going through the Thin Within Study with you and seeing God change all of us.
I was very moved as I read your post. Your honesty was refreshing. And your experience and reflections were insightful. I'm so excited for you, as Heidi expressed so well, for God IS doing a new thing in your heart and life! Praise God! I look forward to all that God has in store for you as you surrender all.
P.S. When you go walking/jogging (if you do) have you tried to use the time to pray? I find that walks/jogs tend to be some of my very best and most inspiring times of prayer and praise. I think the rhythm of my breathing and movement keeps me focussed (my thoughts don't drift as easily). And then as I am outside in his creation I can't help but praise Him. And then there are no other distractions so it as if God has all of my attention during these moments. This has been my experience. (and btw I don't jog for any more then 20 minutes generally...so you're not hearing from a marathon runner or anything! LOL)
Thank you for your honesty in sharing this. I went through a time of this myself. I did a t.v. fast for a few months and it was life-changing. I like to use my exercise time to work on memory verses or listening to a sermon on my ipod. I try to use the time for spiritual as well as physical refreshment.
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