Angry, fearful and needy

I started this online journal a couple of years ago because I felt I needed a place to write and I didn't really want to have a written, hard-copy journal (fear that someone would find it and read it!). Now, I sometimes I'm afraid of writing here, I mean, this is open to the entire world!

sigh.

So what am I afraid of? Of being found out? Of people knowing that I'm needy/angry/scared/imperfect? I've had people tell me that I don't appear scared, but the truth is that I'm afraid all of the time. I'm afraid of not being good enough (for others, for myself). I know that this fear is rooted in the fact that I don't believe that what God says about me is True. I don't believe that I can do all things through Him who gives me the strength to do them. I don't believe that my body is a holy temple of God - or that I myself am holy. I don't believe that I am worthy to be His servant. This list goes on and on.

I don't believe those things because I choose to believe the lies that I hear in the world. I choose to believe that I'm a hypocrite for saying one thing and doing another. I believe I'm a failure because I failed once again. I believe I'm stupid, irresponsible, unworthy, useless and have no capacity for love or compassion.

When I believe those things I get angry. I get angry at myself because I'm not good enough. I get angry at myself for believing lies. I get angry at others for judging me (real or imagined judgment). I get angry a God for not being my wish-fulfilling genie.

When I get angry, I get sad. When I remain (abide) in that fear, anger and sadness I get depressed.

Depression sucks.

Then, I finally realize that I'm needy. I need to be able to get out of bed. I need to stop focusing on myself. I need to stop crying. I need someone who pull me out, stand me up, clean me off and get me on my way.

I'm certainly not patient, but David's Psalm 40 comes to mind (verses 1-4):

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man

who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

I realize that I am needy of a Savior. To save me from myself. To save me from my "stinking thinking". someone to whom I can go and be renewed.
 
Romans 12:1-2
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
 
When will I learn, Lord? When will I be able to stop the pity party before it even starts? When will I be able to love others and have compassion for them? Come quickly, Lord Jesus, because I need some serious rescuing! 

Lord and King

I found the following blog this morning. The author includes a bit of one of his sermons. The topic has to do with Israel's desire for a king - a god-like king who would rule over them and take them victoriously into battle. I especially like how he writes "But the Bible tells us you don’t need a god-like king when you have a king-like God."


http://thepursuitofmanhood.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

Consistency

I've come to realize that many of my areas of sin and struggle are directly related to a lack of consistency in my life. I previously had major issues with male authority and marriage until I realized that they stemmed from the lack of a consistent father-figure in my life. I hated the notion of "submission" because I had never seen it practiced in a consistent, loving fashion. I have spun my wheels in various areas of spiritual growth because I have chosen not to be consistent in my time with the Lord over these matters.

I was reminded this morning that the life that I now live is one of discipleship. It's not a class. I don't have a bunch of assignments to check off and turn in. I'm not just looking for a passing grade. This is life-long and I have a very demanding Rabbi that I sit under. Well, not TOO demanding - in fact, He does most of the work for me. I just have to make the choice to submit to Him. In everything. Always.

Why do I continue to struggle? When will I give up on having "my way"? When will I decide that His way is best?

Lord, I am tired of fighting myself! I know it's disobedience. I know I need refining. I know one of your goals for me is my sanctification. Help me to stop thrashing against you. Help me rest. Help me trust. You are so kind, so merciful, so gracious, so loving - there's no superlative strong enough to describe your goodness! Without you I am at a total loss. Without you I am totally unable to choose you. I don't even know what I need or what's good for me! Show me your way. Thank you for blessing me and for your discipline!

He loves me!!!

Goal: God-given natual size?

I've had an epiphany of sorts about the place of weight loss in my life, Thin Within and my desire to be a continual disciple of Christ.

The other week on Heidi's "God is doing a new thing" blog I understood in a new way that my overall goal ought to be "discipleship" and not weight loss. On day 3 of the Thin Within book, the reader is suggested to set some goals for the month of study including a weight loss goal, a health goal and a goal relating to our walk with the Lord. Heidi and others have pointed out how the first goal, in particular, can derail our focus, changing it from the Lord and putting it onto our body size. If I am a follower of Jesus, then my goal ought to be to become more like Him, to be His disciple and to submit to His leading in my life. Being at a healthy weight would just be an added bonus. Discipleship is a life-long process and does not focus on any one study, book, program, retreat or short-term, terrestrial desire.

Here's where I come to my personal epiphany. While I understand that, yes, one of the outcomes of this study may be that I shrink down to my God-given natural size, that is not the end goal. It's not like I'll slip on smaller pants and declare, "I've arrived!" And, while I know that this is the message that Heidi and others have been emphasizing for so long, I've still be focused on this end goal of "shrinking down to my God-given natural size". Maybe it's because it's been repeated so much in the books and on-line. Maybe it's just my poor, fleshly understanding. Whatever the cause I have got to throw that out because I see it hindering me.

This IS discipleship. This is not a question of stopping once I've reached some physical goal. I have to stop thinking about reaching my God-given natural size as some end point. It's just not about that. So, from here on out I am choosing to not make that part of my study, purpose or plan. If it happens, amen! If not, my goal and focus (the Lord) never changes. Never ever. He is worthy of all of my time, all of my focus and all of my effort. He is the only One who loves me despite my sin and faults. He is the only One who can make any kind of change in me. He is kind, loving, graceful and forgiving.

I've recently been shown anew how wretched, hateful, prideful and condemning I can be to others. He taught me this in a very merciful way (nearly anonymously) and I can't be more grateful. It was a lesson that I so needed to learn and His grace is abundant. Because of this goodness towards me, I am even more eager to throw off anything that hinders me (even if it's meant to be good) so I can follow Him closely.

I feel so free and so indebted to the One who freed me.

"Relevant" article

This links to an article in "Relevant" magazine about food/body issues within the church.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22198-starving-yourself-for-love

We need some grace! I have got to be the first, as the Lord calls, to share His love and grace with others who deal with these areas of sin and lies. I can't wait for someone else to do it. It's an epidemic!

Fear!!

Why am I still so afraid!?!

What could I do if I lived free of fear?!?

What could God use me for if I wasn't so afraid all of the time?

The thing is, I've come to realize that I fear so many things. They aren't big fears. They are phobias. They don't paralyze me, but they do render me distracted, ineffective and sometimes useless.

Last summer I went though an online study of Thin Within. I lost some weight, and I learned a lot about myself, but I held many things back. I didn't trust myself. Truly, I didn't trust God. I continued counting calories. It was a way to push my limits - rather than eat between hunger and fullness I ate to a caloric number. I let arbitrary man-made numbers control my eating rather than the signals from the body that God gave me.

I've had a real sense of worry, maybe even anxiety, lately and that has helped feed my fears and discontetment. I'm not even entirely sure what the root is and that's the frustrating part. Until I have that revelation I can't do anything about it. I have to sit with my feelings (they aren't bad, just not truthful) and deal with it however the Lord tells me. Lat night He told me that I ought not deal with thm by eating chocolate chips. I'm justified in eating a few, small, tiny chocolate chips, right? It won't hurt. "But it won't help, either," said the Lord in my spirit. So, I put them back in the freezer.

Where does that leave me? I have to choose to rest in God's provision, healing and timing. Treading water and spinning my wheels isn't going to get me any closer or any freer and will just leave me tired.

And I am so tired. I think I'm holding the fear and anxiety (of what!?) in my body and it leave me sore - really, acutally physically sore.

Lord, I don't want to be afraid. Show me what my fear is so I can give it over to you! In the meantime, help me remember that you are my source of strength, wisdom and perseverance. For you, only you, is the glory. Amen.

The treatment for discontentment

Sometimes the Lord makes me laugh!

I was on the light rail train coming into work this morning and I was talking to God telling Him how thankful I am for my husband, my safety and His provision of the train so I can get to work. I laughed when I realized that everything I was thankful for happened in response to something being taken away from me.

Last night I went shopping for new pants for work (this is not the time of year, nor the place, to look for long pants). I've looked at many stores over the last couple of weeks and finally found something appropriate. It was more than I wanted to spend, but God had already provided a generous birthday gift that I used to pay for them. My focus was trousers, but everywhere around me was the allure of other pretty clothes. I found myself feeling discontent for not having the money (or the body) to buy said clothes.

On my way home, my car overheated. I have had a long history of car problems. The car I have is now 14 years old and I'm aware that problems come with age. I was able to safely make it onto a residential street. I called my husband and he came out to get me. We called AAA and had it towed to a garage near our home. Due to my long history of car issues, I begin feeling anxious when I have to deal with car breakdowns. I was so thankful to be able to lean on my husband this time! I am totally capable to calling AAA and having a car towed on my own (I've done it a ton!) but it's so nice to know that I'm not alone.

I live about 15 miles from my job. About 18 months ago my city started running a light rail train system. Now, we aren't really known for our public transportation and it's not fun waiting for a bus or the train when it's 100 + degrees, but the system is there and functioning. The train runs right near my work, but, onthe other end, it's a few miles from my home. So, my husband drops me off at the train stop. I have to leave for work almost 30 minutes earlier, but I can still get to work and that's what's important.

Going back to my prayer this morning, I realized that I was thankful for blessings that I never would have received had my car not broken down. I wondered if God thought, "Yvonne, you're discontent with what I've given you? How will you respond if I take it away?" Much of my response has been thankful - praise the Lord! I've also responded with some anxiousness and I swallowed my dinner whole last night because I was focused on my feelings rather than on the food. Those are areas to observe and correct in the future. I'm just thankful that I didn't use the situation to throw myself into a pit of despair (or the bottom of an ice cream carton).

Sometimes it's so good when the Lord takes something away.