Fear!!

Why am I still so afraid!?!

What could I do if I lived free of fear?!?

What could God use me for if I wasn't so afraid all of the time?

The thing is, I've come to realize that I fear so many things. They aren't big fears. They are phobias. They don't paralyze me, but they do render me distracted, ineffective and sometimes useless.

Last summer I went though an online study of Thin Within. I lost some weight, and I learned a lot about myself, but I held many things back. I didn't trust myself. Truly, I didn't trust God. I continued counting calories. It was a way to push my limits - rather than eat between hunger and fullness I ate to a caloric number. I let arbitrary man-made numbers control my eating rather than the signals from the body that God gave me.

I've had a real sense of worry, maybe even anxiety, lately and that has helped feed my fears and discontetment. I'm not even entirely sure what the root is and that's the frustrating part. Until I have that revelation I can't do anything about it. I have to sit with my feelings (they aren't bad, just not truthful) and deal with it however the Lord tells me. Lat night He told me that I ought not deal with thm by eating chocolate chips. I'm justified in eating a few, small, tiny chocolate chips, right? It won't hurt. "But it won't help, either," said the Lord in my spirit. So, I put them back in the freezer.

Where does that leave me? I have to choose to rest in God's provision, healing and timing. Treading water and spinning my wheels isn't going to get me any closer or any freer and will just leave me tired.

And I am so tired. I think I'm holding the fear and anxiety (of what!?) in my body and it leave me sore - really, acutally physically sore.

Lord, I don't want to be afraid. Show me what my fear is so I can give it over to you! In the meantime, help me remember that you are my source of strength, wisdom and perseverance. For you, only you, is the glory. Amen.