Eating like a woman posessed!

AARGH!

Truth be told, I haven’t eaten that much, especially in comparison to previous eating habits, but I feel like I’m totally consumed with, well, consuming food. Actually, most of what I’ve had today is even good for me (ok, minus the doughnut at lunch, I’ve had toast, cereal with yogurt and edemame – that’s it!).

So what’s the deal?

The deal is that I’ve got some stress triggers floating around in my brain and in my environment. In the past, I’ve used food to distract or numb myself from the problems. Even though I know better, today I’ve been choosing to go to food rather than God with my problem. Go figure – it’s not working. Now that I am wise to the fact that food is just stuff(ing) it holds no power, real or imagined, to improve my situation.

So, if I can understand that food has no power to help me, why do I return to it? Why do I give myself over to it? Habit? Maybe. I can’t come up with anything else because I don’t even desire it (I desire its imagined effects, but I don’t long for the food itself).

Aargh.

God, I have not been still today. Even in my Bible study I was mentally consumed by other things. Consumed with fear of not getting what I think is best. Consumed with not getting my way. Lord, it is greed and selfishness. This time I’m not greedy for food, but I am using it as a substitute for the things that I really desire in this moment like having my way! I’m not at peace. I don’t have joy. I’m not walking in the Spirit and I’m using food as a means to counterfeit peace and joy. When I pray it and write it out, it all seems so silly. Lord, you are the author of all things True and logical. Thank you for encouraging me to slooow down and write to you about my thoughts and fear. Thank you for helping me to recognize that I am using food as a substitute for other forms of greed and not getting my way. I have so far to go Lord, but I know you patiently carry me all the way through. Amen.

Less aargh. More praise :)