Last night I spent a good hour working on the forgiveness activity from Day 20. Wow! It was rough, but I'm thankful for it because I saw something incredible and new.
I had 6 people/groups that I chose to write about in the activity. The include family, people from my youth and people I lost friendships with and people that I am friends with now. I wrote about each on a separate page. My plan is to work through this, even if I have to continue writing about it for some time to come, and when I am done I will burn the pages. I began each entry in a similar fashion to the example given in the Thin Within book. I then proceeded to list, in general terms, the hurts and grievances that I have been holding onto. I also made sure to really look at the grievance and not just blow it off or excuse it (that's what I've been doing for years and has gotten me nowhere).
Then I made an amazing discovery.
I found that the vast majority of my grievances all stemmed from the same injury: these people weren't living up to MY standards! I was holding things against them that I unnecessarily expected of them! One example is a guy that I used to be friends with and had a huge crush on. The Lord had clearly told me not to pursue him. When it finally became obvious to me that he was not romantically interested in me, in my feelings I turned on him and I lost his friendship (which had been very dear to me). I had certain standards for him (ungodly personal Yvonne expectations) that he didn't live up to. So I've been angry for years because he couldn't read my mind.
WOW! Amazing! Most of my anger and bitterness has been SELF-INFLICTED. I need to spend time in the Word to get to know the Lord so that I know what His will is. That way, I can line up my will with His, have godly parameters, make biblically sound judgments and have no reason to hold my grievances against others.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense (my husband it talking at me in the background), but THIS IS HUGE for me. There are some things that I finally feel freed up about, things that I have been holding onto for half of my life.
Praise the Lord! He sets captives free!
02 August 2009
31 July 2009
TW Day 20
I don't have too much planned for the weekend, so I'm hoping to sit down with a pen and some paper and really work through the forgiveness exercises from Thin Within Day 20 (and 19).
There's a lot of 'stuff' that I've left behind without dealing with it. Recently I've had a lot of present-time frustration and lack of forgiveness. Won't I be able to minister better if I "cast off that which hinders me" (Hebrews 12.1)? How many times have I read this verse never considering that my own lack of forgiveness was hindering me!
Lord, please do a new thing in me by helping me to release the burden of unforgiveness. I want to have the same kind of love for people that You have. Fill me with Your love so I can minister to others! Free me from my self-imposed bondage so I can serve You!
***I just found a great Russian proverb/saying that roughly translates to:
There's a lot of 'stuff' that I've left behind without dealing with it. Recently I've had a lot of present-time frustration and lack of forgiveness. Won't I be able to minister better if I "cast off that which hinders me" (Hebrews 12.1)? How many times have I read this verse never considering that my own lack of forgiveness was hindering me!
Lord, please do a new thing in me by helping me to release the burden of unforgiveness. I want to have the same kind of love for people that You have. Fill me with Your love so I can minister to others! Free me from my self-imposed bondage so I can serve You!
***I just found a great Russian proverb/saying that roughly translates to:
Fasting doesn't kill, but gluttony does.
30 July 2009
Frustration, Food and Forgiveness
I have been feeling anxious and frustrated for several days now. I know that the root of it all is that I'm not getting my way and I am holding my desires in a death grip. Yesterday, I broke down in tears because our house needs yet another set of repairs. Money has been getting tighter and tighter and this was this straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.
I have been needing to go to God minute-by-minute to maintain any sense of peace. My gut instinct is to distract myself by watching TV, going to the gym, reading a book or something else. Additionally, I have been having cravings for food that I don't eat or rarely eat anymore. Last night all I wanted was mac and cheese and french fries (not together). This morning, in a saner state of mind, they both sound incredibly unappealing, but they were all I could think about yesterday. I told my husband and he directed me towards a salad, which I ate. It was good. It gave me the nourishment I needed without the emotional Band-Aid.
I was amazed by Heidi's blog this morning (http://godisdoinganewthing.blogspot.com/2009/07/chapter-20-i-realized-there-were.html) as my recent frustrations seem to line up with hers. I haven't read Day 20 yet - that is my plan for tonight. I know I still have a lot of baggage (I accidentally originally wrote 'naggage' - Freudian slip? hehehe) to deal with.
Man, aren't I tired by now of dragging around the same old stuff from year to year, from situation to situation. How wonderful it will be to be freed up from this emotional baggage!
I'm trying to make the conscious decision to go to God in thanks each time I get anxious and I try to get a realistic perspective on things. Also, I'm really digging the book 'The Satisfied Heart". I am convinced that the Lord is allowing these things to happen now so that I can learn and grow from it as I am helpful guided by "The Satisfied Heart" and "Thin Within". God doesn't torture me for kicks, He has a righteous plan that glorifies Himself every step of the way.
I have been needing to go to God minute-by-minute to maintain any sense of peace. My gut instinct is to distract myself by watching TV, going to the gym, reading a book or something else. Additionally, I have been having cravings for food that I don't eat or rarely eat anymore. Last night all I wanted was mac and cheese and french fries (not together). This morning, in a saner state of mind, they both sound incredibly unappealing, but they were all I could think about yesterday. I told my husband and he directed me towards a salad, which I ate. It was good. It gave me the nourishment I needed without the emotional Band-Aid.
I was amazed by Heidi's blog this morning (http://godisdoinganewthing.blogspot.com/2009/07/chapter-20-i-realized-there-were.html) as my recent frustrations seem to line up with hers. I haven't read Day 20 yet - that is my plan for tonight. I know I still have a lot of baggage (I accidentally originally wrote 'naggage' - Freudian slip? hehehe) to deal with.
Man, aren't I tired by now of dragging around the same old stuff from year to year, from situation to situation. How wonderful it will be to be freed up from this emotional baggage!
I'm trying to make the conscious decision to go to God in thanks each time I get anxious and I try to get a realistic perspective on things. Also, I'm really digging the book 'The Satisfied Heart". I am convinced that the Lord is allowing these things to happen now so that I can learn and grow from it as I am helpful guided by "The Satisfied Heart" and "Thin Within". God doesn't torture me for kicks, He has a righteous plan that glorifies Himself every step of the way.
29 July 2009
The Satisfied Heart
Throughout the last several months, ans now even more doing the Thin Within study, I am seeing more and more the need to make God my all - my Provider, my satisfaction and my love. He is showing me more deeply and in more tangible ways the things that I cling to for security and love and that I need to know Him and reach for Him instead.
Several months ago I was recommended the book "The Satisfied Heart" by Ruth Myers (she also wrote 31 Days of Praise). It is written as a 31-day devotional, with an extensive introduction, on experiencing God's love. I've read through the first four days. In some ways it seems quite simple and in other ways it is so profound that I can't quite wrap my head around it.
I am encouraged by it, though, to know God in a new way and to look to Him for my satisfaction - not even to look to His blessings, but to look to His Person. The author has walked with the Lord closely for so many years and it would be easy for me to get discouraged y thinking "I can't do this, it's too much". But just as the TW steps can be daunting at first, they can also be practiced with the Lord's help. I just have to know that the Lord is pleased any time that I turn to Him, even if it's only momentarily. I'm sure that, as I continue to practice, it will become easier and more delightful!
On page 19 she shares a note of encouragement that she received after losing her first husband. It said, "May you find in the Lord Jesus Christ your Boaz." God lead her to the book of Ruth where, after also becoming widowed, she was rescued, in a sense, by Boaz who cared for all of her needs. The truth is, whether we have husbands or not, the Lord Jesus must be the one who satisfies all of our needs. I love my husband. He's awesome (a little nerdy, but awesome nonetheless)! But what a relief that my husband doesn't have to satisfy all of my needs. He's nowhere capable of doing that. And I'm sure it's a relief to him as well!
In the day 4 section, Ruth writes about how she felt overwhelmed by the verse commanding us to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. I thought, "Amen to that! How do you do it?" Ruth later found love from God in this verse. How amazing that He would esteem us so much that He would want US to love Him! I could command my husband to love me ( he, of course, would roll his eyes at me) and that would make sense in the fact that I love my husband and I want him to love me. It would be odd for me to approach a stranger on the street and say, "Love me! Love me!" I can only give and expect love from someone that I am in relation with. God cares enough for all of us that He desires love from us.
That's some pretty amazing news!
I am so enjoying this book and I pray that I'll learn more about being relational with God through it.
Several months ago I was recommended the book "The Satisfied Heart" by Ruth Myers (she also wrote 31 Days of Praise). It is written as a 31-day devotional, with an extensive introduction, on experiencing God's love. I've read through the first four days. In some ways it seems quite simple and in other ways it is so profound that I can't quite wrap my head around it.
I am encouraged by it, though, to know God in a new way and to look to Him for my satisfaction - not even to look to His blessings, but to look to His Person. The author has walked with the Lord closely for so many years and it would be easy for me to get discouraged y thinking "I can't do this, it's too much". But just as the TW steps can be daunting at first, they can also be practiced with the Lord's help. I just have to know that the Lord is pleased any time that I turn to Him, even if it's only momentarily. I'm sure that, as I continue to practice, it will become easier and more delightful!
On page 19 she shares a note of encouragement that she received after losing her first husband. It said, "May you find in the Lord Jesus Christ your Boaz." God lead her to the book of Ruth where, after also becoming widowed, she was rescued, in a sense, by Boaz who cared for all of her needs. The truth is, whether we have husbands or not, the Lord Jesus must be the one who satisfies all of our needs. I love my husband. He's awesome (a little nerdy, but awesome nonetheless)! But what a relief that my husband doesn't have to satisfy all of my needs. He's nowhere capable of doing that. And I'm sure it's a relief to him as well!
In the day 4 section, Ruth writes about how she felt overwhelmed by the verse commanding us to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. I thought, "Amen to that! How do you do it?" Ruth later found love from God in this verse. How amazing that He would esteem us so much that He would want US to love Him! I could command my husband to love me ( he, of course, would roll his eyes at me) and that would make sense in the fact that I love my husband and I want him to love me. It would be odd for me to approach a stranger on the street and say, "Love me! Love me!" I can only give and expect love from someone that I am in relation with. God cares enough for all of us that He desires love from us.
That's some pretty amazing news!
I am so enjoying this book and I pray that I'll learn more about being relational with God through it.
28 July 2009
Stepping Up - Session 3
I am so enjoying the Stepping Up series by Beth Moore. I have had many moments in the past where I was not her biggest fan - I'm not as feelings-gooshy and family-oriented as she is and, because of that, I've often had a hard time relating to what she says. But I do love deep Bible study with her.
In Session 3 of the Stepping Up series Beth talks about Psalm 127 and how God surrounds His people. She also talked a good deal about another annual pilgrimage feast (the Psalms of Ascent that we are studying in this series were routinely said as pilgrims made their way up to Jerusalem) - the Feast of Weeks, also known as Pentecost.
This particular feast was a time for the Israelites to remember their former bondage (i.e. slavery in Egypt, captivity in Babylon). Beth talked about the importance of remembering our past and remembering our bondage. It was all so good that I was madly writing in my margins and barely got it all!
Beth talked about habitual sin. Hers in the past was different than mine, but gluttony has the exact same effect. She talked about how you get to a desperate state of sin-repent-sin and you hope that you'll be freed-up from your binding sin just because you want that freedom bad enough. It never works that way. What does work, she says, is the Word of God. "You can't help but be healed when you're in the Word."
She says (and I paraphrase) "Don't ever think that your struggle is the one that God's Word can't break. If you take Him at His Word He can liberate you."
Once you/me/we are liberated, she indicates, once we experience His immeasurable grace in our lives, then He can use that bondage, that sin, that memory for His glory. Amen! That's amazing! And I know it's true - I've seen it happen. If you've been liberated from depression, you can minister to those in it. If you've been delivered from gambling, you can help show others the way out. My hope and prayer is that someday in the future I will be able to help others by showing them Christ so they can be freed from gluttony, too.
"Lord, never let me forget this experience," Beth says. As painful as the memories may be, they are all linked to God's amazing and abundant grace.
Beth also mentioned that the Feast of weeks was also a time of generosity - of generous grace and generous giving. I want to be generous and graceful to others, but my critical judgements in my mind have shown me that I don't extend much grace to others.
Beth went on to say (again, paraphrase), "If you are a graceful person you remember your bondage. To the degree that I understand and experience grace, I will be graceful to others."
Maybe I don't understand the amazingness of His grace. Maybe I'm not very thankful. Oh, I want to be that person!
There's so much more that she said that stuck with me, but one thing in particular gives me hope:
"He knows this turns out good. You might as well go with it."
Praise God! He knows my future and He knows it is good. I might as well start moving in that direction. Why fight it? Why fight Him?
In Session 3 of the Stepping Up series Beth talks about Psalm 127 and how God surrounds His people. She also talked a good deal about another annual pilgrimage feast (the Psalms of Ascent that we are studying in this series were routinely said as pilgrims made their way up to Jerusalem) - the Feast of Weeks, also known as Pentecost.
This particular feast was a time for the Israelites to remember their former bondage (i.e. slavery in Egypt, captivity in Babylon). Beth talked about the importance of remembering our past and remembering our bondage. It was all so good that I was madly writing in my margins and barely got it all!
Beth talked about habitual sin. Hers in the past was different than mine, but gluttony has the exact same effect. She talked about how you get to a desperate state of sin-repent-sin and you hope that you'll be freed-up from your binding sin just because you want that freedom bad enough. It never works that way. What does work, she says, is the Word of God. "You can't help but be healed when you're in the Word."
She says (and I paraphrase) "Don't ever think that your struggle is the one that God's Word can't break. If you take Him at His Word He can liberate you."
Once you/me/we are liberated, she indicates, once we experience His immeasurable grace in our lives, then He can use that bondage, that sin, that memory for His glory. Amen! That's amazing! And I know it's true - I've seen it happen. If you've been liberated from depression, you can minister to those in it. If you've been delivered from gambling, you can help show others the way out. My hope and prayer is that someday in the future I will be able to help others by showing them Christ so they can be freed from gluttony, too.
"Lord, never let me forget this experience," Beth says. As painful as the memories may be, they are all linked to God's amazing and abundant grace.
Beth also mentioned that the Feast of weeks was also a time of generosity - of generous grace and generous giving. I want to be generous and graceful to others, but my critical judgements in my mind have shown me that I don't extend much grace to others.
Beth went on to say (again, paraphrase), "If you are a graceful person you remember your bondage. To the degree that I understand and experience grace, I will be graceful to others."
Maybe I don't understand the amazingness of His grace. Maybe I'm not very thankful. Oh, I want to be that person!
There's so much more that she said that stuck with me, but one thing in particular gives me hope:
"He knows this turns out good. You might as well go with it."
Praise God! He knows my future and He knows it is good. I might as well start moving in that direction. Why fight it? Why fight Him?
26 July 2009
Make the most of it!
I'm at work at the hospital and it's about 3:30 in the morning on a Sunday. I just got finished interpreting for a neurosurgeon who told a family that their 19-year-old son is brain dead. Sometimes I hate my job.
I just got back to my office where I have KLOVE on and it started playing "How could I ask for more" by Cindy Morgan. I thought I was ok, but the lyrics to the song made me cry.
It's not what you do, it's how you live.
I want to live sincerely "no guilt in life, no fear of death" - the power of Christ living in me. I want to live full of gratitude, not bitterly holding on to old angers. I want to move on, get freed-up, leave gluttony behind and walk hand-in-hand with the Lover of my soul.
Live well! You don't know how much time you have.
I just got back to my office where I have KLOVE on and it started playing "How could I ask for more" by Cindy Morgan. I thought I was ok, but the lyrics to the song made me cry.
It's not what you do, it's how you live.
I want to live sincerely "no guilt in life, no fear of death" - the power of Christ living in me. I want to live full of gratitude, not bitterly holding on to old angers. I want to move on, get freed-up, leave gluttony behind and walk hand-in-hand with the Lover of my soul.
Live well! You don't know how much time you have.
23 July 2009
TW days 17 and 18
I really enjoy the focuses of days 17 and 18 in the TW book. Day 17 and Gratitude are just what I need and Day 18 and Boundaries are a wonderful help!
David, my husband, graduated from his mater's program in May and hasn't had a job offer yet. We're doing ok - if it weren't for his student loans we could live completely on my income, albeit tightly. We finally had some rain here this week which let us find out that we've got a pretty substantial leak in our roof :( The repair will be a big chunk of change.
When I learned this I really started to get anxious and I went into my "no-money" plan mode. Money was really tight for me after I finished my BA and God taught me how to live on almost nothing while still paying back student loans. It can be done (sí se puede!). This time around, though, I have to teach my husband. He's a pretty frugal guy, but not quite the penny-pincher I've been.
All that to say that God gave me the Gratitude section to read that very night. It was like He was saying, "Helloooo! Do you see all that you have, all that I've provided for? Come to me and I'll give you MY plan for your best." It was calming and humbling all at the same time!
I have, however, implemented, effective immediately, some changes to the household :) We live in an HOA that doesn't like clothes lines. We live in Arizona fro crying out loud! It's been 115 in the past days. If I hang clothes out they will be dry in 20 minutes (no kidding, I used to do it at my old house). My husband wants us to behave (I'm rolling my eyes a little) so, we have a line INSIDE the house. They take longer to try, but we're not using the dryer. :)
Secondly, I always really appreciate lessons on godly boundaries. Growing up I pushed some boundaries and maintained others and I know that, in general, our flesh doesn't like to have limits enforced, but they are good and healthy. For example, we like physical boundaries. In the neonatal ICU at my hospital, the nurses and therapists create boundaries for the babies (usually something along the line of rolled up blankets to form a nest around the baby). We were so used to the confines of our mother's womb that suddenly being outside of it is scary - especially for premies who aren't ready yet. For the same reason full-term babies get tightly swaddled. It's comforting.
In my one experience scuba diving I was staying at a dive instruction school off the coast of Honduras. When we went out on dives, they would take us to beautiful coral reefs that sloped down the embankment of the island. To one side, the reef, to the other, the wide, deep blue ocean. This was the one time in life that I was agoraphobic. It's so immense and unending. I didn't want to drift away from the relative safety of the reef into the unknown. I thought at that very moment, "Thank You, Lord for boundaries! Now I see a tangible reason why You made them! Even when I think things are ok, I don't know about everything that could happen, so You give me boundaries for my protection."
I also know now that the Lord gives boundaries just as discipline to show us the importance of following him. My buddy the other night was talking about Marine boot camp. A group of recruits had to tread water without touching their faces. After a few minutes one guy did. The drill sergeant singles him out and made him tread longer while the others watched. I asked why they couldn't touch their faces. My buddy said it's to break their will so they learn to do nothing apart from what their commanding officer orders.
Fortunately, our heavenly Drill Sergeant loves us and caringly teaches us. God has never told me, "Drop and give me 50!" but He has, at times, showed me very clearly His boundaries for my life. Sometimes I've been obedient, sometimes I've learned the very, very hard way.
These two lessons are amazing and so useful for me! I'm so very thankful that the TW book/program isn't about just not eating for the glory of God, but that it gives me very tangible, real and helpful tools to change my relationship with Him. I'll have to write the TW organization to thank them. :)
David, my husband, graduated from his mater's program in May and hasn't had a job offer yet. We're doing ok - if it weren't for his student loans we could live completely on my income, albeit tightly. We finally had some rain here this week which let us find out that we've got a pretty substantial leak in our roof :( The repair will be a big chunk of change.
When I learned this I really started to get anxious and I went into my "no-money" plan mode. Money was really tight for me after I finished my BA and God taught me how to live on almost nothing while still paying back student loans. It can be done (sí se puede!). This time around, though, I have to teach my husband. He's a pretty frugal guy, but not quite the penny-pincher I've been.
All that to say that God gave me the Gratitude section to read that very night. It was like He was saying, "Helloooo! Do you see all that you have, all that I've provided for? Come to me and I'll give you MY plan for your best." It was calming and humbling all at the same time!
I have, however, implemented, effective immediately, some changes to the household :) We live in an HOA that doesn't like clothes lines. We live in Arizona fro crying out loud! It's been 115 in the past days. If I hang clothes out they will be dry in 20 minutes (no kidding, I used to do it at my old house). My husband wants us to behave (I'm rolling my eyes a little) so, we have a line INSIDE the house. They take longer to try, but we're not using the dryer. :)
Secondly, I always really appreciate lessons on godly boundaries. Growing up I pushed some boundaries and maintained others and I know that, in general, our flesh doesn't like to have limits enforced, but they are good and healthy. For example, we like physical boundaries. In the neonatal ICU at my hospital, the nurses and therapists create boundaries for the babies (usually something along the line of rolled up blankets to form a nest around the baby). We were so used to the confines of our mother's womb that suddenly being outside of it is scary - especially for premies who aren't ready yet. For the same reason full-term babies get tightly swaddled. It's comforting.
In my one experience scuba diving I was staying at a dive instruction school off the coast of Honduras. When we went out on dives, they would take us to beautiful coral reefs that sloped down the embankment of the island. To one side, the reef, to the other, the wide, deep blue ocean. This was the one time in life that I was agoraphobic. It's so immense and unending. I didn't want to drift away from the relative safety of the reef into the unknown. I thought at that very moment, "Thank You, Lord for boundaries! Now I see a tangible reason why You made them! Even when I think things are ok, I don't know about everything that could happen, so You give me boundaries for my protection."
I also know now that the Lord gives boundaries just as discipline to show us the importance of following him. My buddy the other night was talking about Marine boot camp. A group of recruits had to tread water without touching their faces. After a few minutes one guy did. The drill sergeant singles him out and made him tread longer while the others watched. I asked why they couldn't touch their faces. My buddy said it's to break their will so they learn to do nothing apart from what their commanding officer orders.
Fortunately, our heavenly Drill Sergeant loves us and caringly teaches us. God has never told me, "Drop and give me 50!" but He has, at times, showed me very clearly His boundaries for my life. Sometimes I've been obedient, sometimes I've learned the very, very hard way.
These two lessons are amazing and so useful for me! I'm so very thankful that the TW book/program isn't about just not eating for the glory of God, but that it gives me very tangible, real and helpful tools to change my relationship with Him. I'll have to write the TW organization to thank them. :)
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