Sí se puede

What a week!

2010-10-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

And the Lord saw me through it :)
It was busy and I wasn't in the Word as much as I needed to be and I felt the lack. Now, thank God, I have less demands and more time to spend on what matters most.

My ladies' Bible study is now going through "The Search for Significance" (I had done the study alone at the beginning of the year). We were talking about some of God's attributes as well as the things that God says about us that are true. For example, we talked of His righteousness and that He made us righteous. He will not take away our righteousness that He has chosen to freely give us. I started thinking about the other things that he WON'T take away and I was reminded of this post of yours. It's such a good reminder of who He is! Also, it's good to know what He does do, what He can do so I can also know what He can't do. He can't be unloving toward me. He can't, because that's not His nature and His nature is immutable. He can't make mistakes because He is all-powerful. He can't wait to figure out how to solve a problem later because He is all-knowing. He can't be taken apart, becuase He is unity. Amazing.

I've been confronted a lot recently with questions and condemnation about my faith in God and in Jesus as the Christ. While much of faith is belief without sight, I know that the Lord made me an intelligent, rational being who is capable of investigating and examining the facts and coming to a conclusion. There is one thing that I can't get past with those who do not believe that God exists. If we are all there is and we don't need God, then why don't I meet more caring, joyful, at peace, not angry, unconditionally loving people who believe that God doesn't exist? Why do they all appear (to me, in my limited sight and understanding) so be versions of the angry, sarcastic, self-focused person that I used to be before I knew God? Others ask me to prove God exists by my behavior, I guess I would ask them to prove that He doesn't by theirs.

Sukkot - Feast of Booths

2010-09-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

Last month my husband and I started taking a class called "Discovering Judaism" at a local temple. I am enjoying it immensely. I've had a few Christian friends wonder why I'm not doing it at a Messianic temple. Honestly, sometimes I feel a little condemned. Well, the main reason is that this class is being offered at a Reform Jewish temple. I take it where I can.

My motivation for taking the class at all is to learn about Judaism. I go to a church (like many) which is heavy on the New Testament. Jesus is a Jew. He celebrated their holidays and followed their customs. I want to know more about Him, so I want to learn more about Judaism. I want to understand the New Testament better, so I want to learn more about the Old Testament. Also, I like learning abou other people and customs. It helps me understand them better and value them more.

This class that I'm taking is for anyone interested, but it especially serves as a basis for those seeking conversion to Judaism (most frequently due to a relationship with a person who is Jewish). The class meets weekly-ish and we have books to read and events to attend. I've learned something fun a new every time and I hope to journal out more of it here.

Last night I attened the first night of Sukkot service. This is the Feast of Booths/Tabernacles/Ingathering, depending on the translation. This was a huge holiday in Jesus' time (during the existence of the Temple in Jerusalem). It come right on the heels of the most solemn days in the Jewish calendar known as the "Days of Awe" or the "High Holy Days" which include Rosh Hashanna (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). These are days of self-refelction and contemplation. After all of the seriousness, they celebrate Sukkot - a week of thanksgiving, joy and rest. It serves to give thanks for the harvest. In remembrance of their agricultural past, they build little sukkot, "booths" or shacks, outside that offer some shade and shelter, but are frail, just like farmers would build near their fields for shelter during the laborious task of harvesting.

At the brief service last night, the congegation first had a picnic outside of the temple next to their sukkah (singular of sukkot). They then sang songs in Hebrew, including part of the Hallel (Psalms 113-188), which is normally read during this time of year. The Rabbi talked about how one of the songs is a prayer to God asking Him to provide us with "sukkah shalom" - shelter of peace. He quoted another rabbi who thought that this referred to the fact that the building of peace is fragile and must be continually worked at. I was thinking that maybe it's reminiscent of those of us who follow the Lord - we live in these frail bodies and we need Him to complete us with His peace ("shalom" comes from a root word meaning "complete" - I'll save my amazment about that for another entry).

There was one song in particular last night that I'd like to know the meaning to. All of the songs were in Hebrew and I guess that's great for those who went to Hebrew school as a kid. The temple also offers Hebrew classes for adults and I hope to take it the next time they star a beginners class :)

***Disclaimer: In the rare event that anyone actually reads this and sees some fault in my understanding of Jweish belief or culture, please forgive me and correct me. I write nothing out of ill-will.

You are God!

2010-08-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

You are God!
Most high of the heavens
Creator of all things
Provider of good
Lover of my soul!

You both create and allow circumstances
You let us make our own decisions
For our good and for our bad
For Your glory and for man's

We are hurting, Lord!
We are needy
Destitute, even
Our comfort is gone
Good times are fleeting

Over and over again we choose ourselves
We choose flesh and decay over You
The One who is eternal
Who was and is and will be

We are hurting, Lord!
We hurt ourselves
We hurt each other
And our ever-present foe decimates us

You are the source of all wisdom
All glory and honor are Yours!
You are the source of all good
And your Love never fails.

Ever.

We are hurting, Lord!
Because we don't cry out to You
In our pride we seek power
Our individualism incapacitates us
From loving You and loving others.

We are hurting, Lord!
And You allow it.
You orchestrate it, even.

What will we do in this pain?
Will we go to You?
Be comforted in Your Truth?
Or will be try to fix it ourselves?
Will we hurt another to feel better?

We are hurting, Lord!
I wish I could assuage the pain.
I wish that a word or a look or an act were enough
But You alone are sufficient
And You are all-sufficient

You are God!
You are God!
I love You!
I submit to You!
and I rest in You.

Article from Relevant Magazine

2010-08-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

This article is about the topic of gluttony. While it does include some facts, it is mainly an op/ed piece (as are most of the articles on this site). I am thankful that they chose to cover this subject, as it is a sin that I deal with daily.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22316-is-gluttony-destroying-the-world

Angry, fearful and needy

2010-07-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

I started this online journal a couple of years ago because I felt I needed a place to write and I didn't really want to have a written, hard-copy journal (fear that someone would find it and read it!). Now, I sometimes I'm afraid of writing here, I mean, this is open to the entire world!

sigh.

So what am I afraid of? Of being found out? Of people knowing that I'm needy/angry/scared/imperfect? I've had people tell me that I don't appear scared, but the truth is that I'm afraid all of the time. I'm afraid of not being good enough (for others, for myself). I know that this fear is rooted in the fact that I don't believe that what God says about me is True. I don't believe that I can do all things through Him who gives me the strength to do them. I don't believe that my body is a holy temple of God - or that I myself am holy. I don't believe that I am worthy to be His servant. This list goes on and on.

I don't believe those things because I choose to believe the lies that I hear in the world. I choose to believe that I'm a hypocrite for saying one thing and doing another. I believe I'm a failure because I failed once again. I believe I'm stupid, irresponsible, unworthy, useless and have no capacity for love or compassion.

When I believe those things I get angry. I get angry at myself because I'm not good enough. I get angry at myself for believing lies. I get angry at others for judging me (real or imagined judgment). I get angry a God for not being my wish-fulfilling genie.

When I get angry, I get sad. When I remain (abide) in that fear, anger and sadness I get depressed.

Depression sucks.

Then, I finally realize that I'm needy. I need to be able to get out of bed. I need to stop focusing on myself. I need to stop crying. I need someone who pull me out, stand me up, clean me off and get me on my way.

I'm certainly not patient, but David's Psalm 40 comes to mind (verses 1-4):

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man

who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

I realize that I am needy of a Savior. To save me from myself. To save me from my "stinking thinking". someone to whom I can go and be renewed.

Romans 12:1-2
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

When will I learn, Lord? When will I be able to stop the pity party before it even starts? When will I be able to love others and have compassion for them? Come quickly, Lord Jesus, because I need some serious rescuing!

Lord and King

2010-07-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

I found the following blog this morning. The author includes a bit of one of his sermons. The topic has to do with Israel's desire for a king - a god-like king who would rule over them and take them victoriously into battle. I especially like how he writes "But the Bible tells us you don’t need a god-like king when you have a king-like God."

http://thepursuitofmanhood.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

Consistency

2010-07-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that many of my areas of sin and struggle are directly related to a lack of consistency in my life. I previously had major issues with male authority and marriage until I realized that they stemmed from the lack of a consistent father-figure in my life. I hated the notion of "submission" because I had never seen it practiced in a consistent, loving fashion. I have spun my wheels in various areas of spiritual growth because I have chosen not to be consistent in my time with the Lord over these matters.

I was reminded this morning that the life that I now live is one of discipleship. It's not a class. I don't have a bunch of assignments to check off and turn in. I'm not just looking for a passing grade. This is life-long and I have a very demanding Rabbi that I sit under. Well, not TOO demanding - in fact, He does most of the work for me. I just have to make the choice to submit to Him. In everything. Always.

Why do I continue to struggle? When will I give up on having "my way"? When will I decide that His way is best?

Lord, I am tired of fighting myself! I know it's disobedience. I know I need refining. I know one of your goals for me is my sanctification. Help me to stop thrashing against you. Help me rest. Help me trust. You are so kind, so merciful, so gracious, so loving - there's no superlative strong enough to describe your goodness! Without you I am at a total loss. Without you I am totally unable to choose you. I don't even know what I need or what's good for me! Show me your way. Thank you for blessing me and for your discipline!

He loves me!!!

Goal: God-given natual size?

2010-07-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

I've had an epiphany of sorts about the place of weight loss in my life, Thin Within and my desire to be a continual disciple of Christ.

The other week on Heidi's "God is doing a new thing" blog I understood in a new way that my overall goal ought to be "discipleship" and not weight loss. On day 3 of the Thin Within book, the reader is suggested to set some goals for the month of study including a weight loss goal, a health goal and a goal relating to our walk with the Lord. Heidi and others have pointed out how the first goal, in particular, can derail our focus, changing it from the Lord and putting it onto our body size. If I am a follower of Jesus, then my goal ought to be to become more like Him, to be His disciple and to submit to His leading in my life. Being at a healthy weight would just be an added bonus. Discipleship is a life-long process and does not focus on any one study, book, program, retreat or short-term, terrestrial desire.

Here's where I come to my personal epiphany. While I understand that, yes, one of the outcomes of this study may be that I shrink down to my God-given natural size, that is not the end goal. It's not like I'll slip on smaller pants and declare, "I've arrived!" And, while I know that this is the message that Heidi and others have been emphasizing for so long, I've still be focused on this end goal of "shrinking down to my God-given natural size". Maybe it's because it's been repeated so much in the books and on-line. Maybe it's just my poor, fleshly understanding. Whatever the cause I have got to throw that out because I see it hindering me.

This IS discipleship. This is not a question of stopping once I've reached some physical goal. I have to stop thinking about reaching my God-given natural size as some end point. It's just not about that. So, from here on out I am choosing to not make that part of my study, purpose or plan. If it happens, amen! If not, my goal and focus (the Lord) never changes. Never ever. He is worthy of all of my time, all of my focus and all of my effort. He is the only One who loves me despite my sin and faults. He is the only One who can make any kind of change in me. He is kind, loving, graceful and forgiving.

I've recently been shown anew how wretched, hateful, prideful and condemning I can be to others. He taught me this in a very merciful way (nearly anonymously) and I can't be more grateful. It was a lesson that I so needed to learn and His grace is abundant. Because of this goodness towards me, I am even more eager to throw off anything that hinders me (even if it's meant to be good) so I can follow Him closely.

I feel so free and so indebted to the One who freed me.

"Relevant" article

2010-07-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

This links to an article in "Relevant" magazine about food/body issues within the church.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22198-starving-yourself-for-love

We need some grace! I have got to be the first, as the Lord calls, to share His love and grace with others who deal with these areas of sin and lies. I can't wait for someone else to do it. It's an epidemic!

Fear!!

2010-06-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

Why am I still so afraid!?!

What could I do if I lived free of fear?!?

What could God use me for if I wasn't so afraid all of the time?

The thing is, I've come to realize that I fear so many things. They aren't big fears. They are phobias. They don't paralyze me, but they do render me distracted, ineffective and sometimes useless.

Last summer I went though an online study of Thin Within. I lost some weight, and I learned a lot about myself, but I held many things back. I didn't trust myself. Truly, I didn't trust God. I continued counting calories. It was a way to push my limits - rather than eat between hunger and fullness I ate to a caloric number. I let arbitrary man-made numbers control my eating rather than the signals from the body that God gave me.

I've had a real sense of worry, maybe even anxiety, lately and that has helped feed my fears and discontetment. I'm not even entirely sure what the root is and that's the frustrating part. Until I have that revelation I can't do anything about it. I have to sit with my feelings (they aren't bad, just not truthful) and deal with it however the Lord tells me. Lat night He told me that I ought not deal with thm by eating chocolate chips. I'm justified in eating a few, small, tiny chocolate chips, right? It won't hurt. "But it won't help, either," said the Lord in my spirit. So, I put them back in the freezer.

Where does that leave me? I have to choose to rest in God's provision, healing and timing. Treading water and spinning my wheels isn't going to get me any closer or any freer and will just leave me tired.

And I am so tired. I think I'm holding the fear and anxiety (of what!?) in my body and it leave me sore - really, acutally physically sore.

Lord, I don't want to be afraid. Show me what my fear is so I can give it over to you! In the meantime, help me remember that you are my source of strength, wisdom and perseverance. For you, only you, is the glory. Amen.

The treatment for discontentment

2010-06-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the Lord makes me laugh!

I was on the light rail train coming into work this morning and I was talking to God telling Him how thankful I am for my husband, my safety and His provision of the train so I can get to work. I laughed when I realized that everything I was thankful for happened in response to something being taken away from me.

Last night I went shopping for new pants for work (this is not the time of year, nor the place, to look for long pants). I've looked at many stores over the last couple of weeks and finally found something appropriate. It was more than I wanted to spend, but God had already provided a generous birthday gift that I used to pay for them. My focus was trousers, but everywhere around me was the allure of other pretty clothes. I found myself feeling discontent for not having the money (or the body) to buy said clothes.

On my way home, my car overheated. I have had a long history of car problems. The car I have is now 14 years old and I'm aware that problems come with age. I was able to safely make it onto a residential street. I called my husband and he came out to get me. We called AAA and had it towed to a garage near our home. Due to my long history of car issues, I begin feeling anxious when I have to deal with car breakdowns. I was so thankful to be able to lean on my husband this time! I am totally capable to calling AAA and having a car towed on my own (I've done it a ton!) but it's so nice to know that I'm not alone.

I live about 15 miles from my job. About 18 months ago my city started running a light rail train system. Now, we aren't really known for our public transportation and it's not fun waiting for a bus or the train when it's 100 + degrees, but the system is there and functioning. The train runs right near my work, but, onthe other end, it's a few miles from my home. So, my husband drops me off at the train stop. I have to leave for work almost 30 minutes earlier, but I can still get to work and that's what's important.

Going back to my prayer this morning, I realized that I was thankful for blessings that I never would have received had my car not broken down. I wondered if God thought, "Yvonne, you're discontent with what I've given you? How will you respond if I take it away?" Much of my response has been thankful - praise the Lord! I've also responded with some anxiousness and I swallowed my dinner whole last night because I was focused on my feelings rather than on the food. Those are areas to observe and correct in the future. I'm just thankful that I didn't use the situation to throw myself into a pit of despair (or the bottom of an ice cream carton).

Sometimes it's so good when the Lord takes something away.

Repent and Return

2010-06-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

Acts 3: 19-20
Therefore, repent and return so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord and that He may send Jesus, the Christ appointed to you

In my ladies' Bible study we're going through Beth Moore's Esther. In chapter four we see Jews all over Persia in mourning over the king's decree of their extermination. Moore likened their grief and supplication to the words of the Lord in Joel 2:12-14. God asks His people for repentance from their own way and to love and follow Him.

The area that I need to repent from is demanding my right to having my own way. My long stretch of discontentment all stems from my ungodly expectations not being met. I want to return to the Lord from my own way and go wherever He sends me.

Thank you, God, for Your great provisions for my life. You are My Provider and the Lifter of my head. You are good and only desire eternal good for me. Thank you for allowing times of teaching and times of rest. Your name be blessed. Amen.

Discontentment

2010-06-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

I am now two weeks into a period of serious discontentment. I can't stand being here. There are a number of contributing factors that fall into two categories: the situation and my response.

First, the situation. My husband has been without a consistent job for the two years that we've been married (he was in graduate school when we got married). The other situations that I'm dealing with include my grandfather's prolonged illness, the fact that it's now summer in Phoenix and the fact that life is based on relationships and I must work with people, in and out of the job space, in order to accomplish tasks.

My response: There is what my response should be in light of God's love, mercy and grace and then there's my fleshly response. The pit of discontent that I find myself in is a direct response to my ungodly reactions. While the Lord tells me that "He has supplied all of my needs" I choose to be discontent over the fact that my husband doesn't have a job and that I can't just go out and buy the things that I want (notice I said "want", not "need"). While the Lord tells me that He has a plan for me (and that He has one for each of us) I am discontent that my grandfather is so ill. This is compounded by my financial discontentment in that I can't just pick up and fly to visit him. While the Lord has provided for me friends, a church family, a home and job with a/c I choose to be discontent with the summer heat that He brings to Arizona each year.

It's a choice. I cannot change the situations that I've been dealt, but I do have power, by God's graciousness, to change my response.

I'm so tired of being discontent.

Lord, I choose You know. I choose to bring every thought captive to your mighty throne of healing and grace. No, I choose this moment to do so. I know that in my flesh I am so fickle that I cannot truly say that I'll bring EVERY thought captive. I also choose today to renew my mind, in view of all of your mercies, so that I may be transformed from one who is self-obsessed to one who is walking in the Spirit. Thank you for your lvoe and your grace. Your patience is limitless and your joy completes me. Amen.

Thank God, He never changes

2010-04-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have a raging bad attitude today.

I am disappointed in the world, in the behavior of those who say they follow the Lord and in myself for not being the person that "I" thinkI should be. Sigh... I'm also disappointed in a co-worker who, well, doesn't seem to work much.

None of that, however, changes who God is. None of that changes my identiy in Him. None of that changes His loving, merciful and gracious provision for my life. None of it changes the fact that He made Himself the propitiation for our sin in order to make us His righteousness with the purpose of His own glorification.

It's hard to feel down when I know this truth! That said, the world and Satan are persistent. I'm just going to have to hold on that much tighter!

What He did was so Good

2010-04-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

In a new book I'm reading, "The Search for Significance", I am working through the chapter about God's answer to the blame game: Propitiation. The first few questions have me look at what God's wrath has done in the past (in the Old Testament, for example). The next activity has me go through Isaiah 53:4-10 and replace the appropriate pronouns with my name. I think it's a fitting exercise on this Good Friday (based on the NIV):

Surely he took up Yvonne's infirmities

and carried my sorrows,

yet I considered him stricken by God,

smitten by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for Yvonne's transgressions,

he was crushed for my iniquities;

the punishment that brought me peace was upon him,

and by his wounds I am healed.

I all, like sheep, have gone astray,

each of us has turned to his own way;

and the LORD has laid on him

the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,

yet he did not open his mouth;

he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,

and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,

so he did not open his mouth.

By oppression and judgment he was taken away.

And who can speak of his descendants?

For he was cut off from the land of the living;

for my transgression he was stricken.

He was assigned a grave with the wicked,

and with the rich in his death,

though he had done no violence,

nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,

and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

intentionality update

2010-03-31T09:33:00.000-07:00

I realized this weekend that over the last couple of weeks I have not been intentional bout much of anything.

I think it started two weeks ago when my husband and I started dog-sitting for a friend of our ungoing cancer treatment. The dog behaved amazingly. She was so cute and sweet and caused us no problem at all. I found myself skipping the gym to go home and play with her. I also found myself skipping time in the Word to play with her.

Also, during the last couple of weeks I have been watching some TV. My husband gives me a hard time about it because I "gave it up for Lent". True, I made a decision to avoid TV, but choosing to watch doesn't make me less holy or less saved. This is a good example of the practive of observe and correct. I actually have found that there's little on the TV that I'm even interested in. I find that I either get bored and turn it off or that I'm disappointed by the end of the show because it didn't do much to build me up. Similar to food, I find that I used to use TV to numb my feeling or fill a void. TV is incapable of doing that. Only God can. Also like food, TV can have its place. There are certain PBS shows I like as well as the occasional sit-com or movie. I just don't need it all of the time. Just like when I began dealing with gluttony, I find that I have a lot more free time when I don't spend it all on TV. I've been reading a lot and trying new baking reecipes (I'm talking myself into trying to make my own puff pastry and mole poblano - both very time consuming items).

So, back to intentionality.

This morning I did a little research on the word 'holy'. I love what I found! One etymology (word history) resource defined it as "that must be preserved whole or intact, that cannot be transgressed or violated". I love it because God is holy. He is whole. He is complete. He cannot be violated. God also calls ME holy and He is the One who preserved me completely, not allowing me to be violated. He does it in me. Praise His name!

St. Patrick's Breastplate

2010-03-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is an Irish hymn that may have been written in the 12th century. It is a beautiful representation of the author's belief (creed, if you will). It's also a great reminder of what Jesus does for us!

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through the belief in the threeness,

Through confession of the oneness

Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today

Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,

Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,

Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,

Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today

Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,

In obedience of angels,

In the service of archangels,

In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,

In prayers of patriarchs,

In predictions of prophets,

In preaching of apostles,

In faith of confessors,

In innocence of holy virgins,

In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today

Through the strength of heaven:

Light of sun,

Radiance of moon,

Splendor of fire,

Speed of lightning,

Swiftness of wind,

Depth of sea,

Stability of earth,

Firmness of rock.

I arise today

Through God's strength to pilot me:

God's might to uphold me,

God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me,

God's ear to hear me,

God's word to speak for me,

God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me,

God's shield to protect me,

God's host to save me

From snares of devils,

From temptations of vices,

From everyone who shall wish me ill,

Afar and anear,

Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,

Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,

Against incantations of false prophets,

Against black laws of pagandom

Against false laws of heretics,

Against craft of idolatry,

Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,

Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today

Against poison, against burning,

Against drowning, against wounding,

So that there may come to me abundance of reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through belief in the threeness,

Through confession of the oneness,

Of the Creator of Creation.

Blessed be Your Name

2010-03-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

I love this song, Blessed be Your Name. It always speaks to me. Today I was thinking about personalizing it, but first I’ll include the lyrics as the are:

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Chorus:

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Chorus 2X

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Praise the Lord! Now, I was thinking about making it reflective of my life. So, the first verse blesses God when things are going well. What might that look like in my life?

Blessed Be Your Name

When I’ve gotten enough sleep

And my favorite praise song is on KLove

Blessed be Your name

The next verse blesses the Lord when things aren’t going well. So, for example:

Blessed Be Your Name

When I get a migraine

And my supervisor is driving me nuts

Blessed be Your name

I could do this for days! Let’s try some more:

Blessed Be Your Name

When there’s money in the bank

And plenty of food in the pantry

Blessed be Your name

AND

Blessed Be Your Name

When my husband loses his job

And my car is not working well

Blessed be Your name

God is good all of the time AND all of the time God is good. The world’s circumstance doesn’t change my God! Now, the last part:

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

When I first heard this song I used to think like many people do, “God giveth [the good] and God taketh away [the good]”. More recently I have seen that God gives His Son, His salvation, His peace, His joy, His presence and His provision (just to name a few) and takes away my sin, my shame, my guilt, my anger, my pride, my hurt and my selfishness. I wouldn’t trade that for anything!

Praise the Lord and try personalizing it for yourself

Disciples Abide

2010-03-04T10:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure whether my post title is a command or a statement of fact. I think it's both.

In our reading for discipleship class this week we have a large pack of material that touches on several subjects with the overarching theme of "abide" or "watlk in the spirit" (WITS as my friend, Bert says). some of the reading is from one of our teaching pastors, Mike, some is from author Andrew Murray, and some is from The Victorious Life that the pastor found on http://www.bibleteacher.com/.

It talks about the christian life being a journey made up of four parts: seeking God, knowing God, being transformed by God and loving others (because of God). I think of it almost as a cycle (I made this fun little graph of the four points with arrows moving from one to the next in a circle, but I can't figure out how to import it - I'm not too savvy, I guess).

There's so much richness in these reading. Here I'll share some.

"As disciples we need to move from seeking God as one of our options to seeking God as our primary passsion and the overwhelming motivator of our life." ~ Mike Richardson

In a sheet discussing deliverance and freedom in Christ, Mike writes, "We need to deal with the body, soul and spirit of the person in order to bring about complete freedom and 'it was for freedom that Christ set us free' (Gal 5:1). What did Jesus do? - Healed the sick and cast out demons." I appreciate this because it takes a wholistic approach to ministry. Not every ailment is spiritually based ans yet not every problem has a resolution in the physical world. We often need both! (as I do in eating)

The most profound thing that I saw from Andrew Maurry was that God does the work, all we are calle dto do is YEILD, TRUST (i.e. BELIEVE) and WAIT. We aren't to do anything else unless the Spirit moves us. In some ways it seems easy, yet these are three very hard things for humans to do becuase they make us totally dependent on another. We no longer have the control because we've yielded it to Him. "You are not under the law, with its inexorable DO, but under grace with its blessed Belive what christ will do for you."

From The Victorious Life we were given chapters 10 and 14. It is so rich.

"Victory begins only when struggling ceases."

"Christ can and does give us Victory over all known sin: not gradually but INSTANTANEOUSLY." We just have to learn to live that way moment by moment. It's a process.

"We are neither saved nor sanctified by what we give up, but by what we receive." I am not sanctified or made more holy by stopping to binge eat. I am sanctified by receiving Christ, allowing the spirit to move me and accpeting whatever He has for me. This is blessed news because I still have had the thought that I am made more holy by giving up my life of sin. No! I am made holy by accepting the holy One. "...we may not, cannot in the smallest degree, share with christ the work of accomplishing any part of our salvation. et so many of us imagine that in the matter of sanctification we must 'paddle our own canoe'."

This little story is cute:
"A little girl of 13 was asked what difference the Victorious Life meant to her in times of temptation. after a little pause she replied, "Before I saw this truth, I used to argue with the tempter, and he usually got the better of me. But now, when he knocks at the door of my heart, I say, 'Lord Jesus, will you answer the door for me?' And when Satan sees the Lord Jesus within, he says, "I'm sorry, I think I've come to the wrong house' - and he flees."

Finally, for today, part of Hudson Taylor's definition of abiding, as recorded in The Victorious Life:

"Abiding - not struggling or striving; looking off to Him; trusting Him for present power; trusting Him to subdue all inward corruption; resting in the conscious joy of a complete salvation; a salvation from all sin: willing that He should be truly supreme."

No TV, spending, greed and my view of gluttony (?)

2010-02-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

I think we're ten days or so into Lent, and, therefore, ten days into Yvonne's "no TV time". It hasn't been terribly difficult, but there are times when it's harder. I hadn't planned on watching TV on Friday night, but I was in the living room with my husand, trying to talk to him, and he had the Olympics on. I saw a couple of speed skating races (oh no, Ono!). Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped watching TV and decided, "No more for me!" and I stopped. No big deal.

I observed and corrected. Now, why is that so hard for me to do in eating?

First, I think I'm still believing some lies about food (like "it's a worse sin to eat than to do X, therefore I must suffer more condemnation", maybe). I need to take some time to sit with the Lord and go through these thoughts, checking for their validity. Second, I believe (rightly or not) that there are bigger/worse repercussions for not eating in the Spirit than there are for not doing X in the Spirit. This may not be entirely untrue. If I overeat, it will show in my sluggishness and on my body. If I, for example, watch TV when I said that I won't, what's the harm (given such benign programming as the Olympics)? Hmm, I've got to let myself be still for awhile and let this stew...

So, maybe I condemn myself too much for not eating in the Spirit (this phrase, by the way, comes from 'Walking in the Spirit" or, living my life abiding in Christ). However, I wonder if I don't really hate the sin of idolizing food. I say this because my husband and I have been talking for weeks now about the financial problems of family and friends. Honestly, I have a hard time understanding how/why somebody would think, "I can't afford X, but I want it, so I'll use credit to obtain it." I know this is rampant in America, including among believers. this is something that I truly hate. Why? My childhood was littered with family debt problems. After my father left my mother continued living as she used to (without a job). In part, I know that she shopped to make herself feel better and she wanted others to think that everything was ok. By late elementary, I was answering collectors' phone calls telling them that my mommy wasn't home - she was, she just didn't want to deal. I became so afraid of debt that I refused to get a credit card in college. I eventually did, once I learned that I didn't have to use it. My husband and I are still trying to help my mom deal with her financial issues many years later.

I have Christian friends who say, "please pray for me that God will help me get out of debt," yet they remain in their same behavior. If belief really does cause behavior, then there thinking isn't right. Now, we're told in 1 Corinthians 5:12 (NASB):

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? But those who are outside, God judges.

This is given in a discourse about dealing with sexual immorality within the church. I am extending ti to other sins - if I am wrong in doing so, please correct me. I read that we (believers) are not to judge unbelievers. God will take care of that. We are, however, called to show bretheren the truth and discipline them. Jesus explains the process in Matthew 18:15-20 (NASB):

"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. "But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. "Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."

So, what do I do if a believer will not repent? Becuase, truly, as long as I continue to idolize food and "perfect" body images, am I not the same? Are we unwilling to submit to the Lord and eat/shop/live/talk/walk in the Spirit? Going back several paragraphs, do I not hate being greedy food? I don't have the same reaction to eating unnecessarily as I do to purchasing unnecessarily. I think if I did then I would truly be dead to this sin and no longer submit to slavery of food.

Lord, I am frustrated! Again and again I eat impulsivly. I do not slow down to consider what I need. I don not consider You. I do and then think. I am frustrated with friends who say they long to submit to You in some are of their lives, yet it appears that they do not. Help me to come along side them in truth and love. Help me accept Your truth and love. Help me not to be greedy with food. You said, Jesus, that I am to be aware and be on guard against EVERY form of greed in Luke 12:15. Help me! I want victory over this sin and I want You to have the glory. I just feel that if I hated overeating like I hat overspending, then I would be done with this sin today. Carry me! Thank you, Amen.

Greed verses

2010-02-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

For my discipleship class at church they’ve asked all of us to choose a “transformational issue” to work on. I’m fairly certain that means an area of sin or disobedience. So, I’ve chosen “greed” since it’s the area that the Lord has brought me to.

They asked us to create a list of steps that we can take as we move through this transformation. A friend of mine, who is also taking the class, is having some difficult not turning those steps into law. I feel pretty free in these steps and the Lord has already taken me through some of them:

1. Go to God asking for His enlightenment about greed, what it looks like in my life, what scripture says about it, how He views it as sin and what I need to do to repent of it.
2. Once I begin to learn about those things listed in step #1, I will pray as I need help or discernment with any particular greed. I will need to pray constantly as I choose to repent of greed (in thought and deed) as I deal with my physical and emotional responses to the lack of giving in to greed. There will be moments when I am totally unable to even desire to repent of greed and through prayer I will be able to ask God to deliver me.
3. I will ask for accountability in this transformation process. I already have my husband’s support and I can utilize women through Thin within and my own ladies’ Bible study. Additionally, I will use journaling (3 or 4 times per week) as a way to work out my thoughts or feelings as I move through this transformation process.

I think those are solid steps that I can count on. It’s not a law. If I don’t do one or if I have trouble there is no condemnation. The Lord is carrying me. Additionally, they’ve asked us to come up with one verse or section of scripture (I picked 3) that we are to memorize concerning out issue. These are mine (all from NASB):

Luke 12:15
Then He said to them, “Beware and be on guard against every form of greed, for not even when on has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.”

Ephesians 5:3
But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

Colossians 3:5
Therefore, consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire and greed, which amounts to idolatry.

I chose these three because all say something important to me about greed. In Luke, Jesus teaches us that life is more than stuff(ing). In Ephesians Paul says that greed ≠ saintliness. We are saints and ambassadors of Christ to the world (2 Cor 5.20) and as such the world should never think our greed represents anything remotely resembling Christ. In the letter to the Colossians, Paul explains that greed = idolatry. It means that I love something more than the Lord.

So, I’m slowly working on putting all of this to memory – and to practice!

Lord, may all of this been done in Your name and in the power of the Holy Spirit so that You get the glory of any transformation in me and that I may not grow weary in/of the process. Amen!

Eating like a woman posessed!

2010-02-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

AARGH!

Truth be told, I haven’t eaten that much, especially in comparison to previous eating habits, but I feel like I’m totally consumed with, well, consuming food. Actually, most of what I’ve had today is even good for me (ok, minus the doughnut at lunch, I’ve had toast, cereal with yogurt and edemame – that’s it!).

So what’s the deal?

The deal is that I’ve got some stress triggers floating around in my brain and in my environment. In the past, I’ve used food to distract or numb myself from the problems. Even though I know better, today I’ve been choosing to go to food rather than God with my problem. Go figure – it’s not working. Now that I am wise to the fact that food is just stuff(ing) it holds no power, real or imagined, to improve my situation.

So, if I can understand that food has no power to help me, why do I return to it? Why do I give myself over to it? Habit? Maybe. I can’t come up with anything else because I don’t even desire it (I desire its imagined effects, but I don’t long for the food itself).

Aargh.

God, I have not been still today. Even in my Bible study I was mentally consumed by other things. Consumed with fear of not getting what I think is best. Consumed with not getting my way. Lord, it is greed and selfishness. This time I’m not greedy for food, but I am using it as a substitute for the things that I really desire in this moment like having my way! I’m not at peace. I don’t have joy. I’m not walking in the Spirit and I’m using food as a means to counterfeit peace and joy. When I pray it and write it out, it all seems so silly. Lord, you are the author of all things True and logical. Thank you for encouraging me to slooow down and write to you about my thoughts and fear. Thank you for helping me to recognize that I am using food as a substitute for other forms of greed and not getting my way. I have so far to go Lord, but I know you patiently carry me all the way through. Amen.

Less aargh. More praise :)

Daily affirmations

2010-02-22T12:45:00.002-07:00

"I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!"
Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live

I don't mean that kind of daily affirmation, but I thought that's what they meant when they first told me about it. Three weeks ago I started a new class at church for those interested in discipling others. Each week we go over basic information of our faith (more as a means to share it with others than confirm our own belief) and we have homework exercises to help us confirm what we know is true and memorize scripture.

Last week they began with the Daily Affirmations exercise. They gave us two sheets of 11 affirmations total. Before I read them I though, "Come on, really? Am I going to stand in front of the mirror and make myself believe this stuff?" Fortunately, I don't have to. These affirmations cover basic tenents of our belief: who God the Father is, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit; that I am fully loved by Him; my purpose is to love God and serve him in worship; things of that nature. To me they aren't so much daily affirmations, rather biblical truths. I only wish they had included scriptural references to back-up each affirmation.

As homework they've asked us to come up with five of our own affirmations. I've actually found this to be a rewarding activity. I chose five topics that I think are important for me to focus on, aside form the 11 already given. I also chose to look up Bible references for each to substantiate my affirmations. They are as follows:

1. My spiritual completion is found in Jesus. Even though I may never be complete/sinless in this flesh I choose, in this moment, to live in the wholeness of Him who perfected me. The Yvonne of the future walks in the Spirit continually, so I choose to do the same now. (Galatians 5:16, 25; 1 John 2:5)

2. I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. In Him I have full victory over sin, death, the flesh and the power of Satan. Therefore, there is no room for victim mentality or excuses. (Romans 8:37; 1 Corinthians 15:15; 1 John 5:4)

3. In Christ Jesus I am wholly acceptable to God. He proves that He accepts me by giving me His Holy Spirit. (Acts 15:8)

4. Even though I may not be able to answer "why?" I know that God has chosen me to glorify Him by His perfect will. (Deuteronomy 7:6; Joshua 24:22, Romans 8:33, Ephesians 1:11, Colossians 3:12, 1 Thessalonians 1:14, 1 Peter 1:1-2, 1 Peter 2:9)

5. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. He has made me holy, set me apart, and consecrated me for His presence and good works. Therefore, I choose to treat my body and honor it as a residence to the Holy Spirit. It is not my won; I am to care for it physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

These five affirmations reflect five areas of my life where I struggle believing the truth or living it out. I call these areas: completeness in Christ; victor, not victim; acceptable to God, chosen of/by God; and my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit.

Maybe I'll change Stuart's affirmation to:
"I'm loved enough, I'm empowered enough, and doggone it, Jesus like me!"

Giving myself over

2010-02-20T14:43:00.002-07:00

I'm slowly making my way through "Get Thin Stay Thin" by the Hallidays. I really wish the book had maintained its former title of "Silent Hunger" because I think that much more accurately describes their main theme: we all have a silent soul hunger that can only be filled by God and any other attempt at filling it will be fruitless and hurtful.

Chapter 6's title is "Dependence Not Addiction". I've only read half of the chapter so far but it is speaking volumes to me. Let me quote some of it.

"Our authentic need for intimacy, when unment, opens the door to addictions. The word addiction derives from the Latin addicere meaning to give assent - to give up or to give over." (p 123)

I love word studies (I'm a linguist and translator) because they make meaning come alive to me. I am so thankful to learn that the root meaning of addiction indicates that I (willingly?) give myself up or give myself over to that which I choose to control me. You see, most of the time when I hear the word "addiction" used, it always seems like it expresses that the person is not at fault. They cannot help themselves. It's their addiction (said in a whisper). Yet the root word indicates a choice. I can't give myself over to anything against my will. Giving, I'm pretty sure, is always an act of the will.

Of course I understand that many may be genetically or emotionally predisposed to certain actions, but it is always our choice to perform those actions.

The point is: I can't blame food, or anyone or anything else for that matter.

"Addiction results from a misplaced human attempt to satisfy our legitimate, God-given need for intimacy." (p. 124) The Hallidays then go on to write that as we continue ignoring our need for the Lord it gets buried under more and more layers of self-reliance and addiction. I think intimacy becomes really foreign to us, at least to me. Over the last three or four years God has been growing me in this area and it has been hard and scary and painful. As much as I need intimacy with the Lord and with fellow believers, it's often not comfortable, because I'm not used to it. It's much more comfortable for me to make a joke, change the subject or turn on the TV to avoid it. That has been my M.O. for years and I think it will take many more to move away from it.

In my ladies' Bible study we're looking at Mary and Martha this week. I've always kind of felt bad for Martha (maybe because I'm just like her). She, too, believed Jesus, but she allowed herself to get distracted from Him. Maybe she had to go through the same unlearning process as I do - changing her old addictive "do" attitude for a new "be" attitude. Martha needed to learn how to give herself over to the Lord completely. So do I.

***************************************
On another note: I can't believe how much free time I have without the TV. This morning my husband and I did some work in the back yard, did a load of laundry, had breakfast and vacuumed the house before 10am. He's been a good sport putting up with me and my boredom. Last night he told me, "I'm happy to support you in this, but I don't have to carry you through it. You've got to figure it out for yourself." He's totally right. I've got to give it to the Lord and let Him show me what to do with my time and energy.

Giving up

2010-02-18T09:59:00.002-07:00

My journal/blog entry yesterday was about giving up (my)self because that is what Jesus taught His disciples in John 15:13. The idea has really rocked my world and it's made me think A LOT about what I'm willing to give up and what I need to give up.

I decided to give up something for Lent. I'm not from a church background that practices giving up luxuries for Lent, but it is something that I have chosen to do a few times in the past. I know that it doesn't have any bearing on my salvation (that was already bought and paid for by Jesus), but I find that it can have a positive effect on my relationship with the Lord (therefore, a step in the right direction of my sanctification - being transformed into Christ's likeness).

Once before I gave up sweets but I am NOT in a place where I could do that without diet mentality. So, I decided to give up TV. My husband and I have only the most basic of cable (because it comes with the Internet) which gives us just 20 channels. However, I still watch an obscene amount of TV. I get up and the news goes on. I come home and the news or some sit-com goes on. On the weekend I watch multiple hours of PBS cooking shows (I'm sure there's a boundary to be set there).

It's too much. Also, it facilitates mindless eating. I know that Thin Within advocates for mindful, no-distractions eating yet I usually choose not to practice it (it IS a choice I make, no pinning the blame elsewhere!).

So, yesterday was my first no TV day. I felt like I had a lot more time in the morning to get ready (go figure). Then, when I got home I was able to do some chores, sit and enjoy my dinner, talk with my husband without distractions and read a good book. Oh - and I also went to bed at a decent time so I wasn't dragging myself out of bed this morning. All that because I didn't watch TV.

For most of my time in college I didn't have a TV so I know how to live without it, but I so easily let myself get sucked in (again, a choice). I'm not being legalistic about it. My husband is free to watch (I won't deprive him of the Olympics). I just choose not to sit there. I think I'm going to get so much stuff done in the next six weeks! And, and, I'm looking forward to longer times of Bible study without distractions.

Now, there is nothing sinful about TV in and of itself (well, the machine itself or the idea of the programming; I'm not going to debate quality of the shows). There is also nothing godly about giving up watching TV in and of itself. The idea behind it is that I need to set some boundaries about my TV watching and it's healthy for me to fast from it for awhile. I just happened to chose to do it during Lent.

There is one part that I will have to really be intentional about ;)
My local YMCA has individual TV monitors with cable on the treadmills. I loved going on Saturday mornings and walking on the treadmill while watching the Food Network programs that I don't get at home.

Hmm... I might just have to step outside and walk in the beautiful 75 degree weather in Arizona. What a thought! :)

1 Peter 1:13-16 (NIV)
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

ψυχην

2010-02-16T10:27:00.003-07:00

Psuche. Psyche. Soul. Will. Self. That which makes you you. Pride.

In John 15:13 Jesus says (NASB):

Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

I was slowly working through chapter 15 a few weeks ago in Greek and I was puzzled by this verse. I expected to see words like "zoe" (life) or even maybe "bios" (physical life). Instead it read "psuche".

Jesus was telling them, and us, that the greatest show of love isn't physically dying for them, rather it is putting aside our wants, thoughts, and opinions for their good.

For me this is revolutionary. I used to think that it was huge that Jesus physically died for us... and it is. However, I've come to learn over the last few years that it must have been so much more difficult for Him to step away from divinity so that (with the purpose of) we could be reconciled to Him. It's totally amazing.

It's also a huge call. I find Jesus asking me, then, if I consider Him a friend. If so, am I willing to lay down my "ψυχην" for Him? am I willing to give up that which has made me me?

Watch where you're driving!

2010-02-11T08:27:00.003-07:00

There was a little bit of a learning curve for me when I first was learning how to drive. While other teenagers are off and running, it took me longer to get some of the basics down. Looking back, I know that's because my focus was all wrong. When driving, you have to be aware of your surroundings: the street, the other cars, buildings, pedestrians, etc. when I first started I kept staring at just the nose (the front of the hood) of the car. I was really concerned about where I was taking the car so I was somewhat convinced that I needed to focus on the car itself.

Had I continued in that vein, I would have quickly had an accident. My focus needed not to be on myself (the car) but on what was going on around me. I think there may be a good spiritual application in all of this. If I continue to focus on myself I'm going to miss the things that happen around me and I could potentially get really hurt!

It is becoming more and more obvious to me how self-serving greed is. When I focus on what I want I miss out on knowing the Lord more, on seeing His work, on participating in His will, on enjoying His creation and His people. Even one moment of idolatry can rob me of enjoying Him.

If I could only remember that on a moment by moment basis... sigh. It's a question of perseverance. I knew that the Bible gives us various examples of perseverance and exhorts us to persevere, but I didn't know until today that the Lord gives us perseverance. In Romans 15:5-6 Paul gives this prayer/blessing:

"Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Paul defines our God as one who gives perseverance AND encouragement. That's an encouragement to! I read that Paul is praying that God the Father allow us to have the same mind as Christ Jesus with the purpose that corporately the body of believers be able to glorify Him. What a wonderful prayer! Lord, may it be so! The Lord's work in our lives is ultimately for His glory - always. Thank You, Lord, for your encouragement. Thank You for giving me the ability to persevere in truth and love. Thank You for giving me a purpose.

I started thinking about perseverance because my hospital's thought for the day touches on it:

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. --Walter Elliott

The hard thing for me is being consistently intentional. I know, however, intentionality is like a muscle, it becomes stronger as I continue to use it. It's hard for me to pray for intentionality for the rest of my life, but I can pray that the Lord will help be choose to be intentional in this moment, maybe even in this hour - there's only 15 minutes left of it anyhow! :)

I have one more thought on intentionality for this morning. My friend, Jenny, offered us another driving analogy on Monday. She said, "If you don't want to hit a tree, don't look at it." When I focus on sin I'm much more likely to come into contact with it than when I focus on the Lord and walking in the Spirit. It's good advice. Be intentional about what you're looking at and meditating on.

Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty. -- Doris Day

2010-02-10T09:01:00.002-07:00

I work at a Catholic hospital and each day the Spiritual Services Department shares a prayer and a thought for the day. Despite it being a Catholic institution they use a lot of ideas from other faith traditions, as they word it. I really like the quote they sent out (above) from Doris Day. It goes along well with my desire to repent of greed.

I'm reading through "Three Cups of Tea". It is the story of Greg Mortenson, an American mountain climber turned educational philanthropist in Pakistan. It is a lovely story and it consistently teaches me of simple gratitude and how giving is so much greater than greed. I was especially struck by his account of opening a school in the days just after 9/11. In the Balti culture that he mainly has worked with they give fresh eggs as a token of grief. Mortenson tells how many widows in this particular village gave him eggs to take to the new widows in the "village of New York" because they longed to comfort them. What love! What a gift! I have so much to learn.

Now onto Bible study. In my discipleship class on Sunday we briefly touched on Colossians 3:1-5, but I felt that the Lord had more to teach me. This is about putting on the new self:

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry.

If I am in Christ (and I know that I am) then I am to set my mind on things above. Like what? The Lord, His truth, His Word and not the garbage that so easily entangles me down here. Additionally, I am to consider my earthly body dead to greed (as well as the other things listed, but I can only tackle them one at a time!). Furthermore, Paul defines greed as idolatry. Loving stuff. Loving food. Finding meaning and purpose from things created rather than from the Creator.

Christ is my life, Paul says. My life is hidden with Christ in God. the most meaningful thing about my life, my existence, is the fact that the spirit of the God of the Universe dwells in me. That is where my significance lies.

Thank You, Lord for this truth. I'm going to have to sit with it for awhile and let it sink in. Help me to meditate on your glorious provision for me and help me not meditate or idolize created things that we know eventually pass away and rot. Thank you, Lord, for providing me with something new to ponder each day. Keep it coming! Please don't stop until I get this down pat! Thank You for your consistent presence and faithfulness. Forgive me for not appreciating it as I should. Amen.

The Gospel and Transformation

2010-02-08T09:07:00.002-07:00

I am taking a new class at church on Sunday mornings that serves as a training course for those who (may) desire to disciple another believer. I'm really quite excited about it since most churches that I've ever been a part of have focused on evangelism and not discipleship. Additionally, I think it will be good for me to look at this basic, essential biblical information so I can know it, own it and share it with others.

I'm also thankful that I am beginning this class with a specific sin issue to deal with. I know that may sound weird, but it allows me to take the information that we're learning and apply it directly to my life in a tangible way. For example, we are beginning with memorizing Romans 12:1-2 (NASB):

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

That is wonderfully good news! I have had the opportunity to memorize it many times in the past and, honestly, most of those times I have just memorized it without trying to apply it in my own life. I know that I do not learn Scripture or scriptural lessons well if I don't have something tangible to apply them to. In those cases I feel that they are good lessons, but vague and I have difficulty understanding how that change can be made in my life. So, all that said, praise God that He is showing me the vastness of my greed, how it affects my relationships and what I will be able to do once I no longer surrender to it.

I also appreciate this class because we begin with the basics of our faith and (re)define terms that we use (like justification, sanctification, etc.). I think it will help us understand more fully and be able to define "Christianese" terms that may be unknown to others. One of the terms that we went over was "stronghold". This word often gets used, I think, to describe a long-term area of sin, a habitual sin or something that is too hard to give up. It makes me think of something binding me. It makes me think of something that I consider more powerful than myself (and what of God, then?). Our pastor included this quote:

Stronghold - to accept as unchangeable something you know to be contrary to the will of God.
~ Ed Silvoso

Is my greed a stronghold? Is it unchangeable in my life? Not according to Romans 12:1-2 above. Neither according to Philippians 1:6:

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

And certainly not in Romans 8:38-39:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Maybe stronghold comes from the fact that I have a firm grip (a strong hold, if you will) on the sin because I find it enjoyable. Or necessary. Or helpful. Or ________.

The gospel, the good news of Christ, the "euaggelion" from Greek, makes the only way possible for transformation. That transformation comes through belief in Jesus, the power of the Holy Spirit and the renewal of my mind. Thank God He already took care of the hard part! Now if I can just loosen my grip...

2010-02-03T12:05:00.004-07:00

Yesterday I listened to a sermon that I missed from a few weeks ago at church. The topic was lordship. Honestly, I was at my desk working as I listened to the download so I didn't really focus on all of it. That said, there is one quote that caught my attention:

"The purest form of hate is indifference"

Apathy. Ouch, that smarts, but I know it to be so true. When I know there is sin in my life and I don't deal with it I am apathetic to the command of my Lord. When I hear that there is a need in my community and I don't step up as God leads I am indifferent to His love.

So, am I indifferent, apathetic, tolerant or accepting of greed? Last night I was and my tummy is paying for it now :p

I hate seeing greed in others. Why do I consider myself an exception? Why do I accept it in my life? Maybe it's because it has been a constant companion thus far and it's hard to shake.

Lord, you have given me so many examples of generosity - from family, from friends and from strangers. It is beautiful and humbling. I want to have that same spirit and ability and DESIRE to give freely, holding nothing back. Help me to see the gifts that you give me as tools to be generous to others. Help me to choose, moment by moment, not to be greedy with food. I am so tired of the drive to eat when no one else is around so I can have it all for myself. Lord, my thinking is pitiful. Change my mind, renew it, Lord, as I focus on you, your generosity and example for my life. Thank you. Amen.

***I saw in the thinwith forums today a member's tagline that read Nehemiah 8:10

Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy good food and sweet drinks. Send some to people who have none, because today is a holy day to the Lord. Don't be sad, because the joy of the Lord will make you strong." (New Century Version)

How beautiful! Enjoy good and drink. SHARE. Don't be greedy or gluttonous. Today can be holy to the Lord if I choose to make it that way. Joy from the Lord is my strength. Awesome!!

Surrender

2010-02-01T11:06:00.002-07:00

The Lord is so faithful! When I ask Him to teach me He sends a flood of loving truth. My job is to listen, trust and obey.

I continue to go to the Lord for help and understanding about my greed and gluttony. Every day there is something, many things, new!

Yesterday, there were three (at least) very blatant ways in which the Lord was teaching me (make me teachable, Lord!).

First, in the service we sang a song that was new to me. It's called "Surrender" by Marc James. The lyrics are below.

I'm giving You my heart

All that is within

I lay it all down

For the sake of You my King

I'm giving You my dreams

laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride

For the promise of new life

And I Surrender

All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song

I'm waiting at the Cross

All the world holds dear

I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You

For the glory of Your name

To know the lasting joy

Even sharing in Your pain

I've often had difficulty saying "I surrender all" because I know in my heart that I'm not surrendering "all", I don't even know what "all" is. However, it is much more meaningful to me to choose one thing to work on at a time (I find I make much more progress in my spiritual growth). So, if I can choose, in that moment, to surrender my greed then I have found a tangible, workable way to honor my Lord.

Next, one of our teaching pastors, Daryl DelHouseaye, spoke on stewardship. Again, the Lord showed me that my greed does affect others and it keeps me from being a good steward of His precious gifts. Daryl is such an enjoyable speaker. If you are interested, you can go to the church's website and download the message on stewardship (part IV): http://www.gccaz.org/sermonseries.aspx.

Third, my normal Sunday school class/community group was pre-empted by an informational class on discipleship. They asked my class teacher to speak because he and his wife have spent nearly the last 50 years discipling people who desire to grow in the Lord. As I listened I felt the Lord nudging me saying that keeping all of the Lord's goodness to myself was greedy! Spending time just on my own leisure activities is greedy when I consider all of the people who don't know the Lord, or who haven't been mentored to walk in the Spirit. so, I signed-up for the 10-week course on discipleship. Sigh... back to marathon church on Sundays :)

Ok, Lord, You are teaching me and giving me many opportunities to grow. Help me to use these opportunities to their fullest. Help my unbelief and laziness so You are glorified. Amen.

Hoarding

2010-01-28T08:56:00.002-07:00

Last January my husband and I went to help my mom to take care of some of her property. she was in financial struggles and was concerned about having foreclosure on her home. Our idea was to clean out one of the structures and sell that part of the property. Praise the Lord, He was good and allowed everything to happen that was necessary for this process - and quite quickly, too. My mom was blessed beyond words by the various people involved in the process. It was wonderful.

That said, the process, at times, was really hard. Mainly emotional toil, but there was a lot of physical work as well. My mom is a hoarder. She doesn't throw things away. She keeps them. She hides them. then, when life gets too busy/hard/whatever, those things become neglected. The structure that my husband and I went to work on was an old one bedroom, on bath shack that sits on property adjacent to my mom's house. It was a total tear down, but first we had to clean it out. It was full to the ceiling with... well, I'm not going to go into details, just know it was full. Everything go thrown into a dumpster. It hadn't been used or cared for, so it rotted.

Moving forward to present day...

Last night I was reading in "Get Thin, Stay Thin" (I so wished the publishers had kept the title "Soul Hunger" because it makes much more sense). There was a section that talked about how things from our childhood may affect our eating as adults. Now, I don't believe in the victimization mentality blame game, but I think that, for example, lack of love in childhood can send us looking for it anywhere and everywhere. That doesn't mean it's right and that certainly doesn't remove the responsibility of our own actions from us, but it does help us explore maybe why we have certain tendencies.

I have a very strong aversion to hoarding stuff. My mom's house has always been "cluttered", at best, and there were many times growing up when I couldn't have friends over because of the house's condition. Now, I'm not a clean-freak, but I don't have "stuff". My husband's aunt is a very crafty person, and her house is clean, but it is so full of projects that I always come home after visiting looking for things to give away or throw out.

Yet, I came to a realization last night that I HOARD FOOD. I do. Not in the packed freezer and pantry sense. No, I hoard it on my body. I see food and I greedily eat it. I want it. For me. I want to enjoy it. If I don't somebody else will eat it and I will lose out.

You know, admitting that I'm gluttonous or greedy is one thing, but realizing and admitting that I hoard is a new, painful step for me. It's good. It's good because I can deal with it and move forward. I'm pretty hopeful, too, because I so loathe hoarding in the material sense maybe that will help me hate in in the eating sense. That said, I've hoarded cookies and candies over the last two days. More than usual. I wonder if it's my flesh wanting to rebel from truth and light.

Lord, thank You for this revelation. It's hard because it shows me to be something that I always hoped I wouldn't become. Lord, I confess my gluttony, greed and hoarding. These sinful actions show that I am not depending on You nor am I trusting You for my provision. Help my unbelief, Lord, so I can truly repent of these sins. Amen!

The ability to be generous

2010-01-26T15:31:00.003-07:00

I just finished writing the previous entry and I checked my email. In it, there was a recently sent message from one of my Christian brothers who has an awesome idea about how to bless a financially-strapped sister (due to medical bills).

I was brought to tears by its generosity. Immediately I decided I wanted to help out. I want to give.

Years ago God began talking to me about getting into a position where I can give. Right before I got married I finished paying off my student loans (praise the Lord!), but my husband still has his. We keep talking about how we want to pay down debt quickly so we can "get on with our lives".

Actually, I recently learned that a friend is filing for bankruptcy. It makes me so sad, and mad (not too much, though, because this friend doesn't know Jesus... yet). Last night I went home and thanked my husband for being frugal. I told him that I was willing to be content with our falling-apart couch and my car that doesn't run too well. I'm thankful that we don't have consumer debt. It's not worth it.

I have been so thankful to not really suffer from consumer greed. Yes, Lord, I see how You are orchestrating things so that I can see many examples of greed in this very moment... and examples of freedom, joy and giving.

I know that when I don't have material greed, then I am free to use money in other ways (pay down school debt/mortgage, buy things that I need, give to the Lord, help others, etc.) I really want to help out and bless this sister and I am so excited that I am able to do so.

I don't want to get to the "bankruptcy" state in my love of greed and gluttony. I want to hand it over now. God doesn't refinance. He pays off the debts in full and abundantly gives for ever future need.

What will I have the freedom to do once I no longer submit to the sin of food greed? I can't really imagine it, but it has to be good because it's from God :)

Greed exposed

2010-01-26T14:43:00.002-07:00

I was walking around work today and praying about how much I hate greed and how hurtful my greediness has been to me when I realized that I don't really hate greed. So, I decided to ponder the topic to help expose what is really going on in my head and my heart.

What is greed?
I'm choosing to define it (for now, at least) as the ungodly desire for more than what I need or more than what God decides to give me. I chose to add in the second part, because He readily gives me MORE grace, love, hope, joy, peace and wisdom than I may need. Thank you, Lord :)

Why do I love greed?
It feeds my flesh, my wants, my will and my desires. It focuses on ME. My flesh does not want to give up greed because that would take the focus off of ME.
Sigh...but He must increase and I must decrease.

As long as I continue to love greed, the Spirit within me is at war with me. I cannot have peace while I continue to cling to greed - to sin. I cannot and will not see fruits of the Spirit in my life if I continue in habitual, unrepentant sin. The two are diametrically opposed.

I want to hate it because it separates me from God. I think the only way that will ever happen is my submersing myself in the Word and in prayer, by being intentional consistently.
Sigh...it seems like a lot of work.

What am I going to do about greed?
I don't know. I think I need to sit in this for awhile. I know I need to wait until God tells me to do what He wants me to do. Otherwise, I'll wind up spinning my wheels in my own fleshly attempt at getting out.

I feel kind of down, yucky, about all of this. But this is a good first step. I have to recognize and define the problem before I can do anything about it.

God, I am going to wait on You. This is a universally-huge, deep-down, to-the-core sin. It sits right there with pride and selfishness. Thank You that You have brought me to a point of realization. Just as I realized that gluttony permeated nearly all aspects of my life, so does greed. I'm really entrenched in it. I have enjoyed a long stay. Now, I want to be done. I want to be freed of it. I want You to unshackle me. Thank You, Jesus, that your perfect offering allows for my liberty. I have so little to offer, but I thank You. Holy Spirit, invade me, particularly the parts that I have kept from You for so long. Drive this ship - even for this moment. I realize that in every second of my life I am either moving closer to You or moving farther away. Lord, even if it just for right now, I choose to move to You. Show me what You want me to learn and change me. I don't "feel" good about this process, but I know that it is foundational and I trust You. I do. Amen.

Greed musings

2010-01-24T14:21:00.002-07:00

I continue to think about greed being a/the driving force behind my gluttony.

Many, if not most or all, of the references in the Bible to greed has to do with material possessions, but I think I can take them and use them for food.

In Luke 12, a man calls out to Jesus asking our Lord to help him get his part of the inheritance that, apparently, his brother is not giving. Jesus uses this as a teachable moment to tell the man, and others within earshot, to be on his guard against all kinds of greed.

ALL KINDS OF GREED. It sounds like food can fall into this category. I have to be on guard so as not to fall into greed. I have to be aware of my circumstances and be ready to react appropriately. That includes being aware of my body. Am I hungry? Does my body need food? If not, what is going on? It also includes being aware of my circumstances. Is there food just hanging out? Do I need to eat it? If not, what else can I do?

The next part of the same verse (Luke 12:15) in the NASB says "For not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions." Wow! Even in abundance of food my life shouldn't be preoccupied with food! Of course, in my right mind I would say that my life doesn't consist of food, but in my greedy mind I have times when I focus entirely on food and body issues.

The abundant life that Jesus came to give me really has nothing to do with physical food. Will I waste His abundant life, and the short time that He gives me on the earth, just to be preoccupied by food? Or, will I choose His freedom, His abundance and His life? It sounds like an easy, clear-cut question, but I still struggle in my flesh against abiding in Him moment-by-moment.

Thank, you, Lord for never letting go or giving up!

Greed

2010-01-18T11:40:00.002-07:00

I have come to realize that the biggest sin problem that I am dealing with in regards to food is greed.

Over the last year I have learned so much about food idolization, about how I use food to comfort me and entertain me, about how I replace God with food. I won't say that I've "arrived" in these areas, but I do sense that I've made heaps of progress. I now see that my real sin-rival in gluttony is greed.
Greed for just one more cookie.
Greed for the last piece of pumpkin cheesecake because I won't make it again until next year.
Greed for a dish that I love and I want it all!

I posted on the Thin Within forums that I was looking for resources about greed, and in particular greed and gluttony. I've been trying to go through my Bible looking a greed related verses, but so many seem to deal with money and material possessions. I know that greed is greed, regardless of the coveted object, it's just that I'm having a hard time understanding how those verses mesh with gluttony.
In the forums I was recommended to listen to a talk on gluttony and greed hosted by Mars Hill Church. I have heard it before, it's quite good and I think I posted it previously in another blog entry some moths ago.

So, I'm still looking. A year ago I searched and searched until God lead me to resources on gluttony. I'm certain that He will guide me to the right resources for greed as well.

Anna: the faithful witness

2010-01-12T08:13:00.002-07:00

In my ladies' Bible study we're working our way through John MacArthur's "Twelve Extraordinary Women". Some have made a bigger impression on me than others (I think it's those that I haven't really studied before). I really enjoyed the chapter on Hannah (from 1 Samuel). I am also really getting so much out of the Anna section (chapter 7). Here are a few sections that speak to me:

"When she spoke, it was about the Word of God. She had evidently spent a lifetime hiding God's Word in her heart. Naturally, that was the substance of what she usually had to say." p. 134

What a wonderful example! She had the Lord's treasure stored up and out of that flowed glory to God. In church on Sunday my class leaders (in their 80s) spoke of how "getting old ain't for sissies". They said it's harder to think right and study the Word (I think due to fatigue and memory problems), however someone else noted that whatever is memorized and stored away from God's Word can be recalled and meditated on at any point in life. This is a good lesson for me to spend more time memorizing Scripture.

"Luke adds that she 'served God with fastings and prayers night and day' (Luke 2:37 NKJV)... The manner of her praying, accompanied by fasting, speaks of her self-denial and sincerity. Fasting by itself is not a particularly useful exercise. Abstaining from food per se has no mystical effect on anything spiritual. But fasting with prayer reveals a heart so consumed with praying, and so eager to receive the blessing being sought, that the person simply has no interest in eating. That is when fasting has real value." p.136, 137

This gives me a helpful insight into fasting. I have taken a few opportunities to fast in the past, but at this stage in my life I *fear* turning the experience into a diet. I will meditate on this section and look into biblical fasting. Maybe this is an exercise that God wants to carry me through.

"Anna's amazing faith stemmed from the fact that she believed all the promises that filled the Old Testament. She took the Word of God seriously... She truly loved her God. She understood His heart and mind. She genuinely believed His Word." p. 138

How beautiful! I want to truly believe and love God. Lord, may it be so! May I desire You more than anything else!

That which matters

2010-01-04T14:15:00.002-07:00

What a whirlwind of a season! As I look back I ask myself, "how much of your activity matters?"

Over the last few years I've really tried to choose to make my celebration time (Thanksgiving to New Year's Day) matter in the eternal scheme. I want it to glorify God.

That is the reason that He created me, saved me, sustains me and teaches me. His goal and purpose is His own glory. And what a mighty thing it is, too.

I have recently been presented with a couple of really good examples of focusing on what DOES NOT matter. Let me explain.

In my hospital we have been caring for an injured and elderly man of vast wealth. In his home country he used to be the head of the nation's security/intelligence organization. When he commanded something to be done, it was accomplished. If something needed to be purchased he had the ability to buy it. If he needed help from someone, he had all the connections he could ask for. In his current medical state neither his wealth, power or network of acquaintances are able to help him. He is left powerless. This has caused severe depression and worsening of his condition. He has depended on everyone and everything except for the Lord, the only One who is truly Almighty and all-powerful.

This example shows me how we/I can be so easily distracted and exchange our source of strength from the One who is everlasting to something that is so fleeting. I am so saddened by this man and so wish that the Lord would gloriously show Himself in someway to the man and his family.

Then, last week, a high school classmate of mine died. Of a heart attack. We're 30 years old.

His story speaks to me two-fold. First, I don't believe that he knew the Lord and I pray that my mom and others who are reaching out to the family are able to comfort them and teach them about Jesus. Second, he was a very big guy. He always was. We always were. His heart was sick: from the lack of Jesus and from not caring for himself. The same thing could happen to any glutton at any time. Sometimes I wonder how much damage I did to myself as a younger person. Sigh...

I can't undo the past, but I can choose to live now (in the present) for Jesus, following His guidance and walking in His Spirit. There is no sadness in Him, only joy everlasting!

Article on submission

2009-12-08T10:01:00.001-07:00

I am learning that the real hindrance to my ability to walk in the Spirit is my unwillingness to submit. I found a help article that I think gives a good, practical, biblical overview of submission:

http://bible.org/seriespage/taking-second-look-submission-1-peter-213-37

Depression diet

2009-11-30T12:00:00.002-07:00

My pastor shared this diet for depression yesterday:

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Remember, stressed spelled backwards = desserts.

I was actually pretty sad to hear it - and even sadder when everyone laughed at it. I won't say that I've eaten this exactly, but I have had some startling binges in the past.

Sure, I ate more this weekend than I should have, but it was less than last year (woohoo!)
It's the little victories. :)

Treasure in the arms of Christ

2009-11-25T09:07:00.002-07:00

This song, Forgiven, by Sanctus Real has been blowing me away in the last couple of weeks. I'm so thankful for it!

Well the past is playing with my head

And failure knocks me down again

I'm reminded of the wrong

That I have said and done

And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life I know what I've been

But here in your arms I know what I am

I'm forgiven I'm forgiven

And I dont have to carry

The weight of who I've been

Cause I'm forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind

And I'll relive my days, in the middle of the night

And I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride

Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere

When I don’t measure up to much in this life

Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

On-line quiz

2009-11-12T08:48:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I let myself be suckered in to taking an on-line quiz from a psychology website. The quiz was about emotional eating. I tried, as best as possible, to honestly answer according to my current beliefs and actions. It was pretty lengthy. I thought, or maybe I was hoping, the site would "diagnose" me or, at least, help me uncover an area to work on or some flesh machinery to deal with.

Nope. None of that. According to their quiz I have a healthy perception of food and body image. Part of me want to sigh with relief, "Thank God", but the truth is that I find this result disturbing. I know what I have running around in my brain and much of it is totally unhealthy, besides being ungodly. I wondered how they make their determination. What are my answers measured up against? The world? Worldly wisdom? The behavior of others? At any rate it can't be very rigorous.

This leaves me with two thoughts:
1. There must be A LOT OF WOMEN out there in massive bondage to sinful/ungodly conceptions about food and body.
2. The Lord will is never-changing an the only thing against which I measure my life.

The first thought saddens me so much! Lord, make me a vessel of Your love so You can minister to other women who need You so badly! I am so thankful for the second thought. The only thing worthwhile as a measuring stick for my beliefs and actions is God's will acted out by Jesus as my example! Anything less is fruitless and not of Him. Thank You, Lord, for showing me Your Truth and thank You for giving me everything I need for life and godliness!

Reality

2009-11-04T21:52:00.002-07:00

In the reality that comes from above

God is good, there's no bigger love.

It's His reality that welcomes us back

Trust and obey, there is no other way

- The Newsboys

These last several days have given me a good opportunity to focus on reality. It must be something that is missing in my life, because the Lord is giving me many lessons in it.

On Saturday my husband and I drove to another city to see the Newsboys play. It was so fun. Michael Tate, formerly with DC Talk, is the new lead singer for the Newsboys. I never considered that they might play some old DC Talk songs, but they did! It was like high school/college all over again!

So, that put me on a Newsboys listening trip. I was listening to one of their albums with the song "Reality" whose lyrics I've quoted above. God's reality is so totally different from this world. In His plan, we are to trust and obey (I'm singing the hymn in my head). That is the True way to live, but in my flesh and in this world I am deluded into thinking that myself and my wants and my feelings are the true reality. Yuck! Thank God it's not!

On Sunday we saw a theatre version of C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters". It's one of my favorite Lewis books. Of course they can't condense the whole book into a 90-minute program, but I think they did a pretty good job. The gist of it is that a senior demon, Screwtape, is writing letters to a underling, Wormwood, giving him advice on how to keep his assigned human from (1) becoming a Christian and (2) being an effective, victorious Christian. At one point Screwtape gives the suggestion of keeping the human from really contemplating what reality is.

This is so vital! To know what true reality really is. If I numb myself to it by TV, books, Internet or even by things that I consider good, like doing projects are church, then I loose sight of God's plan for my life and I rob Him of His glory.

In week 9 of the Thin Within workbook #1 we are looking at 1 Corinthians 6.12:

Everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial.

Everything is permissible for me - but I will not be mastered by anything.

I came to the realization that I am still very mastered by lies and inanimate objects. How crazy is it that the ice cream in my freezer has any power over me? The reality is that I give it power. How base is it that the values of the world have power over me? The reality is that I choose to believe lies.

I am taking a stand against believing lies. It's amazing how many of them are ingrained in me and swimming around in my head! I don't even know how much I have to unlearn! It's daunting, but I can never move forward until I come to the realization that I freely choose to believe lies. Only then can I choose to believe God's eternal truth instead.

I feel like I'm writing grandiose statements - I'm doing it on purpose so I can, at a later point, come back and see the gravity of the situation and my desperate need for freedom to believe the truth.

Thank you, God, for getting me to this point! I will choose to trust you to take me to the next!

Slow down!

2009-10-30T18:31:00.002-07:00

I think a major kink in my walk towards submission are my constant knee-jerk reactions.

I do everything quickly: I make decisions quickly, I walk quickly, I talk quickly!

I've got to sloooow doooown and let the Lord lead rather than taking control every instant!

I'm working through week 8 of Thin Within workbook #1. This week we are introduced to the Eight Keys to Conscious Eating. On day 4 of this week the first question asks me to note how many of these keys relate to Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God". I think almost all of them do (I can't quite figure out yet how to make #5 fit: "I ate and drank only the things my body loved").

I want to add the importance of giving thanks. I've got to slow way down to honestly pray to God. Being sure to always give thanks is such a great reminder to slow down and enjoy God's provision. Plus, it's hard to shove food down my throat if I'm recounting His blessings! :)

Additionally, I feel God challenging me to be thankful more. I've been frustrated recently by others who seem to constantly find fault and enforce their own way. I know that I do the same (even when I'm unaware!) and so now I'm praying about fostering a thankful heart and attitude. I know that even though I may not "feel" thankful at times, the true thankfulness will come with obedience.

Lord, help me to slow down. Help me to enjoy each and every moment that you provide for me. Help me to make the most of the time that yo have allotted to me on this earth. Teach me to be thankful and to act according to your timing - no slower, no quicker. There are so many things about me that I'd like to change. I want to be a loving person, a gracious person, a person who knows You and your mercy inside and out. change me into you, Lord.

I have moments of such desire for the Lord, but they are fleeting. I so want to serve Him and to be a positive reflection of Him in this wirld - in my community, work and home. That kind of total submission is what He asks of me. He doesn't ask me to be thin! He just asks me to believe Him!

I want a cookie

2009-10-28T21:25:00.003-07:00

Ok, right now, I don't really want a cookie (woo-hoo! I'll praise God for even this little moment), but I often feel like I want a cookie. I've started saying it out loud. It helps me take control of that feeling, that desire, to eat something sweet and fatty (sugar, fat and salt: the trifecta of addictive foods!).

For example, when I go home tonight, if I'm feeling flesh-y (for whatever reason: stress, frustration, hormones, selfishness, etc.), I might open the pantry and say to my husband, "I want a cookie". He then tends to respond with, "No you don't" or "We don't have any". It may sound odd, but it helps me to get over the craving if I can put a voice to it.

For some time now I've thought that I was going along pretty well, voicing my flesh desire and dealing with it. I realized today, however, that even when I "deal" with this flesh issue, I am ignoring the spiritual issue.

The truth is, I need the Lord. Even when I don't feel like it.

The only way that I will ever have victory in the flesh is to focus on the eternal, spiritual, loving, all-knowing God whose Spirit has taken up residence inside my heart.

Lord, draw me to You! Even in apparent moment of fleshly victory I am still lost without You. Be my all, Lord. Also, change me into a person who is thankful and who is known for gracious thankfulness. You've done so much for me, for us! Remind me to declare it. It is truth! Amen.

This is the day that the Lord has made

2009-10-26T16:13:00.002-07:00

Will I rejoice and be glad in it?

If I can make it through today without eating an entire cake I can do anything.

I've been antsy all day - wanting food to be my fix. I've said 'no' for the most part (although I ate my lunch from home before I was at a 0). I just got off the phone with a justifiably angry person. I could do nothing for her, unfortunately, but listen. It was really rough on me. I got off the phone and started crying. I think it was a combination of anxiousness all day (that I didn't numb with food) and being verbally assaulted over the phone.

Phew (imagine me wiping my brow).

I am no officially very hungry. I am totally justified in eating up to a 5. Even if I chose to eat cake :)

Praise be to the Lord, our Father, and Jesus Christ, His Son.

Choices

2009-10-25T14:29:00.002-07:00

Over the last couple of weeks I have chosen to make some poor decision, throwing myself into overeating.

I'd like to cast blame on my circumstances, but I know I can't. I've chose to overeat of my own free will. I am not a victim of my circumstances and I must choose to believe that my actions are representative of a hard, selfish, I-want-what-I-want heat.

I'm so disappointed because I want to be done with gluttony and body image idolatry. Sigh...

So, what am I going to do now? Deal with it. Praise God that today is a new day!

My husband just gave me a quote from a Vietnam soldier who was a POW. This was his attitude:

Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
And at the same time
Confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

It's called the Stockdale Paradox. Now, I don;t know if he's a believer, but it is good advice, I think. I've got to have faith and hope that the Lord is eventually going to change me, while dealing with the facts at the same time.

I've decided to put the following verse on my pantry door (Hopefully it will encourage me!)

Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

Lord, help me to choose to glorify You, regardless of my weight. You matter, not my jeans size.

Grumpiness

2009-10-18T19:55:00.002-07:00

I am convinced that the medication I'm on makes me "feel" grumpy. I was never one to suffer from PMS until I started on this medication and now I'm convinced that the hormonal affect puts me on edge.

So, what do I do with it? I may be unable to control my circumstances, but I am the only one who can control my reaction.

I've been aware of my grumpiness so I've been trying to filter my reactions, and apologizing a lot when I don't succeed!

I've noticed this week that many things that normally wouldn't be are very irritating to me. And all I've wanted to do this week is anesthetize myself with food. My eating, although no longer the binges that once were, has been reactionary to my feelings. I've also been sleeping more than normal.

The Lord has given me good time with Him this week and I am seeing areas that need to be changed in order to depend on Him more. I'm thankful for this time I've had in the Word.

So, what do I have to say with all of this? Trust in the Lord, because sometimes I can't even trust my own body. :)

Victim or Victor?

2009-10-15T16:03:00.002-07:00

It all comes down to 1) what I know to be True and 2) my attitude.

My husband and I often talk about overcoming and resisting a victimization mentality. Both of us grew up with it in our family and want to walk away from it. It is a trap. For me, the victimization mentality is a state of mind in which a person is rarely in the wrong, is never the one at fault and has an attitude of 'them vs. me'.

I think it's just a version of the blame game. As a race we've been playing it ever since Adam blamed his sin on Eve, and she her deception on the serpent.

In my job I've known the mother of a pediatric patient who truly seems to embrace a victim mentality. It's sad to me because it seems that it's an attitude that she learned from her family and I think will probably be passed on to her child. It's a hard cycle to break, as I've seen in myself and in my own family. There's only one cure.

Today I met another mother of a pediatric patient. I was called to met her briefly and then her child died of cancer. I was called again for the chaplain to meet with her. When I got to the room I found her on her knees, crying out to the Lord. This is the gist of her prayer:

Lord, why couldn't you have waited to take him? He so wanted to see his grandparents again. But I know he is with You now and I know that I will see him again. This is so hard, Daddy, inject me with You, with Your love so I can bear this. You have been with me every step of the way and I know that You are with me now and that he is with you. Thank You for loaning him to me for these nine years. Thank You, Lord, Thank You, Lord, Thank You, Lord. I know that he is Yours and I thank You for loaning him to me. Give me Your peace, Daddy so I can show You to all these who are here who have been helping us. Thank You. Enable me to go on because I can't get up without You. Amen.

That is not the prayer of a victim. That is the prayer of a person who know Truth in the Lord and is wholly dependent on Him. It is the prayer of a person who is devastated, but a victor in Christ Jesus.

In my job I unfortunately see many deaths, a lot of them being children. Most of the time the stricken family wails, "Why God? Why did this happen to me/us/him/her?" Most of the time I can handle the death, because I can walk away. This is one of the few times that I've cried and it's not because of the passing, it's because of the loving, dependent prayer of a deeply saddened mother who knows the Lord. It was one of the most beautiful things that I've ever witnessed. I was called to 'help' her, but she is the one who ministered to me.

Lord, I want to have a heart like hers! Bless this mom in her grief. Bless the other mom who still doesn't know You. You are the only answer we have to the victimization mentality.

Oh victory in Jesus my Savior forever!

Leaning on the promises of God

2009-10-12T08:51:00.002-07:00

Expectation minus reality equals disappointment

I totally love this quote! I heard it on Family Life Radio a couple of weeks ago (I think it was Dr. Randy Carlson who said it).

It's a really essential truth for me. Almost every time I feel down, sad or depressed I can link my emotion to a moment of disappointment - a time when I didn't get my way or have my expectations satisfied.

I have one close family member who seems to live in constant disappointment. I will prayerfully consider sharing this quote.

The truth of it is that this happens usually when my expectations/hopes are disordered or unrealistic. For example, using the Thin Within principles I can form my own expectation that I will melt down to a size 4. When that doesn't happen, if that was my hope, I will be left disappointed, maybe angry, probably sad and then I'll be on the road again to depression.

I have no promise of size 4. There is no logical reason for me to put my hopes/expectations in something that that probably isn't a reality for me. However, the Word of God is True! His promises are everlasting. There is no disappointment when I trust in the promises of God.

He promised a child to Sarah in her old age (Romans 9:9)
For this is the word of promise: “At this time I will come and Sarah shall have a son.”

He promised abundance to the Israelites (Deuteronomy 6:3)
Therefore hear, O Israel, and be careful to observe it, that it may be well with you, and that you may multiply greatly as the LORD God of your fathers has promised you—‘a land flowing with milk and honey.’

He promised to give us His Holy Spirit (Acts 1:4-5)
And being assembled together with them, He commanded them not to depart from Jerusalem, but to wait for the Promise of the Father, “which,” He said, “you have heard from Me; for John truly baptized with water, but you shall be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now.”

There are so many more! Help me Lord to believe in Your promises and to not be disappointed by selfish or man-made promises or desires!

For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.

1 Corinthians 1:20

Eve's curse

2009-10-10T18:08:00.002-07:00

In my Monday night Ladies' Bible study we've been reading about Eve in John MacArthur's "Twelve Extraordinary Women". Today I was working on my homework for Monday night. Many of the questions are directed towards learning from Eve.

MacArthur argues that Eve was a very beautiful woman and, despite not having a lot of information about her, we do know that she was the pinnacle of God's creation. She was created to help (not in a demeaning way) and to be protected and lead. She was easily deceived. She was cursed with not just painful childbirth, but also a longing to be, or usurp, her husband.

I think it all boils down to the fact that, in her flesh, she desired to be like God - and that was her curse. This same curse has been passed down to all of the daughters of Eve - including me. My greatest struggle is submission to the Lord. Over and over in my homework lesson I saw the Lord pointing out to me that what I most lack is submission to Him.

His load is light and His burden is easy! At my Thin Within meeting on Thursday my buddy and I talked about our struggles to add some kind of "law" to His grace. I admitted that a huge temptation for me is to add counting calories to the 0-5 eating. I have to choose to not have a constant tally in my mind. ANY and EVERY thing that I do that adds something to His grace, that includes more than believing, trusting and resting in Him, is law.

In order to submit to the Lord, I must rest in Him and His provision for me. On Calvary, Christ's provision for me was grace, not only for eternal salvation, but for each and every moment of my life. He has provided me a body that works. It works! I have all of my parts! It functions correctly! I spend 5 days a week working with people who's bodies aren't ok, that aren't functioning properly. How can I ignore what God has provided for me in my body?

In the Thin Within workbook, we're encouraged to keep a light food log: indicate starting number, the food that I ate and approximate amount, the number I was at after and how I felt while eating. I was really reluctant to keep the log because, in the past, I had a tendency to obsessively focus on calories. The Lord has helped me to just use the log as an accountability tool. I'm thankful.

I'm also thankful for the (FINALLY) cooler weather. The highs have been in the 80s or low 90s, so I've gotten to start jogging again. It is the exercise that makes me feel the best. I can't run the whole distance, I walk parts, but I'm thankful to get out and get moving!

Finally, by relying on God He is showing me when I need to eat and when I need to stop. I've never stopped after just two pieces of pizza! Wow! Plus, it was homemade (ok, I bought the dough, my dough never come out that great).

Little by little...poco a poquito...tiny progress, but I'm noting moving backward :)

Lavish abundance

2009-10-08T19:39:00.002-07:00

Several years ago, when I was working for McDonald's, one day I was eating lunch in the break room. One of the managers was also there and she was listening to a preacher on the radio. I don't remember his topic, but I do remember how he referred to God's love. It is laaaavish. Not just "lavish" - imagine the word dripping off your tongue like butter. Imagine cake slathered in frosting. God's love is "laaaavish".

I like telling that story (in person!) whenever I'm in an environment where we're talking about God's lavish love/grace/mercy/kindness/etc.

In my ladies' Bible study we're now going through John MacArthur's "Twelve Extraordinary Women". Chapter 1 is about Eve. I'd like to quote a paragraph from the text on page 11:

"[Satan] twists the meaning of God's Word: "Has God indeed said, 'You shall not eat of every tree of the garden'?" God's commandment had actually come to Adam as a positive statement: "Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat" (Gen. 2:16-17 NKJV, emphasis added). The serpent casts the command in negative language ("You shall not eat of every tree"), making God's expression of lavish generosity sound like stinginess. He was deliberately misrepresenting the character and the command of God."

I underlined the part that most stand out to me. Do I, in my attempt to have control and maintain self-sufficiency, view God's grace and compassion towards me as stingy? In my desire to lose weight, am I angered by the 'limit' imposed on food in the Thin Within plan as stinginess?

What has the Lord not provided for me? What do I lack? I lack nothing physical - even in the tightest times of my life I've always had a roof over my head and enough to eat. I lack nothing spiritual (in Christ I have everything I need for life and godliness). So what am I whining about?

In my Thin Within meeting tonight we were talking about grace and belief. We need not "do" anything - just believe. It sounds simple, but it is often more easily said than done in my life!

Lord, your love is poured out upon me lavishly. You continue to moment by moment provide for an abundant life. Let me never consider You to be stingy just because I don't get my way. You have given me so much more than I could ever ask or hope for. Thank You!

Reflections on the gluttony talk

2009-10-06T18:12:00.002-07:00

I've been mulling over in my mind some of the points that Crystal Munson made in her gluttony talk (see the link in the previous post). Her talk wasn't intellectual and she spoke as a person who is still dealing with gluttony (even if she doesn't indulge in it, the temptation continues lurking...).

She started with Philippians 3:18-19
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.

She said that these verses speak nothing of the outward appearance of people, rather it deals with their attitude towards Christ. I, like her, think, "I'm not an enemy of Christ, like the verse says," but the truth is that if my god is my stomach and if my mind is on earthly things, then I am, in my actions, defined as an enemy to Christ.

Now, I know that eternally, I am not an enemy to Christ. He made that possible on Calvary. Colossians 2.17 says "To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Also, Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The live I now live I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." So, as a believer Christ is in me, but I don't always behave that way.

For years I never knew or saw gluttony as a sin, but now that I know, I have no excuse. The truth is, most of the time I don't want to submit to His teaching or leading. I want to do things my way, but when I behave that way it only goes to prove that in my actions I am an enemy to Christ.

Thank you, lord, for showing me truly that gluttony is sin. You hate sin. You have provided an abundant life for me to live and have provided ways for me to turn from temptation. Thank You for Your Word which teaches me and guides me. Even now, help me to turn to You and choose to believe what You say is eternal Truth.

As I meditate more on the talk I'll add to these thoughts.

Talk on gluttony

2009-10-04T21:20:00.002-07:00

The gal that I meet with bi-weekly for the Thin Within workbook #1 sent me the following link on a talk at a women's conference:

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/christian-womanhood-/gluttony

I think it's really worthwhile to listen to. It's almost an hour in length. The speaker, Crystal Munson, gives her own transparent testimony about her past and current struggles with this sin and gives some helpful verses to back up her exhortations to those also battling it.

My TW buddy found her talk especially helpful to understand the sinfulness of gluttony. I'm thankful for it, as well, since it's not a often discussed sin in the church body.

The speaker encourages the listeners to prayerfully study Bible passages (any passage, actually) and ask the Lord to show us how His Word speaks to us about our habitual sin of gluttony. I think that's a super exercise and hope to implement it into my Bible study time. This summer as I went through Beth Moore's "Stepping Up" study I chose to focus my pilgrimage on my journey away from gluttony and towards freedom in Christ. We didn't have to have any particular focus for that study but I think (1) it helped me apply what I was learning to real life and (2) it gave me another vehicle from which I could contend with this habitual sin. Practice makes perfect!

Forgiven and Loved

2009-10-02T19:29:00.002-07:00

Have you ever heard the song "Forgiven and Loved" by Jimmy Needham? If not, look it up on youtube or another service. It brings joy to my heart.

I am both forgiven and loved by the One whose grace and mercy is great enough to accept me just as I am and who works out my sanctification on a daily basis.

I have no ability on my own to submit to the Lord or to have any spiritual growth. He accomplishes it in me.

This week in the TW workbook #1 I looked up Zechariah 4.6 which says:
Then he [the LORD] said, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel saying, 'Not by might nor by power, but by my spirit,' says the LORD of hosts.

Only by the Spirit of the Most Holy can I get out of the pit of selfish gluttony.

For the first several months of this year I was fairly successful in 0-5 eating, but I have to confess that recently my eating has been entirely out of whack. I've stalled in weight loss since July and sometimes I find myself using everything in me to not eat anymore. I know that my focus is not on the Lord. I know it. I am in a food-funk and I can't figure my way out. My only hope is to continue in prayer and study, hanging on to anything that the Lord provides, until He finally pulls me out of this. I feel that this is an issue that will just last a season, but I wonder how lengthy this season is.

God, you are good. I know from Colossians 1.27 (from TW this week) that my hope for glory is Christ abiding in me.

I'd write more but I got called to a trauma -

So, is it sin?

2009-09-30T19:58:00.002-07:00

The first time we see Satan (the serpent) act in the Bible he tries to get Eve to question whether her desired action is really sin. God had told Eve and her husband not to eat the fruit of a certain tree. Satan questioned Eve to see if she really believed God's command to be true. Volumes and volumes of text have been written about what Adam and Eve's sin. I usually hear that their sin was lack of obedience, lack of submission or pride. I think a precursor to all of that is lack of belief.

We act on our beliefs. Belief causes behavior. In Thin Within (both the text and workbook #1) I read that my belief is going to influence my actions. We read about the eagle in the chicken yard - believing that he was a chicken and acted as such.

As a follower of Christ, I have to believe that something is a sin before I choose to stop doing it. Unless I'm convinced that it is sinful I plan on continuing in my past/current behavior.

This is where I get stuck. For so many years I never saw overeating as a sin. I never believed God's Word about gluttony so I indulged in the sin. Maybe it was fun at times, but in the long run it only hurt me.

A friend in my Sunday school class this weekend told us this quote:

Sin keeps you longer than you intended stay,

it takes you further than you wanted to go,

and cost you more than you wanted to pay

Erwin Lutzer

The truth is, even now, I continue to over-eat, focus on how fat I am, lust after a smaller size and become jealous of those who lose weight more quickly. I still have yet to believe that what God is telling me is Truth (with a capital T).

Lord, help my unbelief!

Owning it, not just knowing it

2009-09-29T11:56:00.002-07:00

A guy I used to go to church with said, "I know the truth, but I don't own it," meaning that he knew the Truth of God in his head, but he didn't really believe it enough to make it evident in his life.

I feel like I'm in a serious state of not owning what I say I believe about Christ and my identity in Him. I'm going to use my post today to reiterate what I know to be true, with the hope of living it out and owning it.

There's a good deal of change going on around me. I feel like a lot of people are moving on or away. Some of the change saddens me (I've had a "down" feeling for about 3 days and can't seem to shake it) and some of the change raises up feelings of jealousy.

For example, one of my co-workers has decided to go on a severely calorie-restricting diet that uses synthetic hormone supplements to trick your body into losing weight. In about a week she's lost 10 pounds. On the surface, I, too, would love to lose that much in such a short amount of time, but I don't ever want to live through her ordeal. She starves herself and weighs herself religiously. I do not ever want to be so tied to food or the scale again. I've done it before and it makes me miserable!

So, what do I do with all of these feelings? I take them to the Lord. I recognize that my feelings may be valid, but they are not Truth.

The Truth of the Lord is that I am free in Christ, whether I ever lose another pound or not.
The Truth of the Lord is that my value is found in Christ alone, my Redeemer.
The Truth of the Lord is that I have not been 100% submissive to Him in eating or body image idolatry.
The Truth of the Lord is that I need balance and peace from Him in order to live a healthy (spiritually, physically and mentally) life.
The Truth of the Lord is that He knows how all of this ends.
The Truth of the Lord is that I can mess up, be wrong and even sin and He still loves me.
The Truth of the Lord is that He knew I would go through this season of life before He created me.
The Truth of the Lord is that if I take my eyes off of Him I have no direction, guidance, wisdom or ability other than what the world has bombarded my puny little brain with.
The Truth of the Lord is that He has a plan for me to prosper me and nor harm me, to give me a hope and a future.
The Truth of the Lord is that this body is not my own. I was bought at a price. I am only a steward (manager) of what God has given me.
The Truth of the Lord is that my body is a Temple of the Holy spirit.
The Truth of the Lord is that Christ lives in me.
The Truth of the Lord is that focusing on His truth is the only way that I will successfully overcome sin and be transformed into His image.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving me these few little moments to focus on Truth. Help me to flee from temptation and focus on You.

Thin Within meeting #2

2009-09-25T12:16:00.002-07:00

I apparently didn't understand the set-up for my TW meetings, so I'm a week behind.

When we agreed to meet every other week I thought that it meant we would do one week of homework over 2 weeks of calendar time. Oops! I guess we're doing the homework daily, but only meeting every two weeks. so, I should be starting week 4, but I still have week 3 to work on. I'll have to play catch-up!

I'm most excited that God has opened my mind up to memorizing Scripture. When I was a teenager I memorized all kinds of things, but I've let that skill lag in recent years. I do have the first 3 verses down. Yay!

Week 2 in TW workbook 1 focuses on God's goodness and that fact that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Each day we work through exercises and Bible verses that emphasize these truths.

I think I'm doing pretty well with the topic of God's goodness and I see how important it is to reinforce this truth at an early stage in the process. If I don't believe that God is good, then I won't trust Him to change me for the better.

I still tend to view my body as my own (and, therefore, choose to do whatever I want with it), so I'm thankful for the emphasis on my body being God's temple, bought by Him to give Him glory.

There are three parts to the workbook: the workbook itself, a daily "journal" and a sheet of cards with the Bible verses to facilitate memorization. In the journal during the first two weeks there is a section to write out the memory verse, and a section to write about what God is showing me. Beginning in the third week there is space for a food journal - writing down my hunger number before I began eating, what I ate, my number afterwards and how I felt while eating. I am cautiously and prayerfully participating in the food journal. I have only done food journaling in the past to count calories and I am concerned that I will become obsessive about it and choose not to eat a times so I don't feel guilty for writing it down. It's crazy! I know it can be a helpful tool as long as I let God lead. Otherwise, I'm throwing it out the window.

Memory verse for week 3: Galatians 2.20 (written TW style)
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Sweet.

gummies and pasta

2009-09-23T21:59:00.002-07:00

I love candy gummies. I don't know if it's because of the texture or that I just like having something to chew on. Gummies are a happy food for me. There's no nutrition, of course. It's mainly colored and slightly colored corn syrup. The fun for me is in the chew and in the shape.

Monday night after a long day at work I stopped by the Trader Joe's and I saw they had penguin gummies. I was pretty excited and I jumped on the impulse-buy wagon. I was a little disappointed to see that they aren't really penguin-shaped, more like ghost-shaped with a squishy belly. Actually, they remind me of the McDonald's character, Grimace.

It was a small bag. I had a few on Monday. Then, Tuesday morning after a tough spinning class I ate the rest of them while waiting for my regular food to cook. I said to my husband, "Oh, I spent all of my hunger on gummies!" I took my regular food to work. Waste not want not.

I was surprised to be filled by gummies. That has never before happened in my life. It sure wasn't a "whole-body pleaser" but I was able to recognize full after eating them. Huh. Go figure.

I spent a few years avoiding certain foods at all cost because I felt I had no control/will power over them. Some that come to mind are: white bread (I would eat half the loaf in toast form in one sitting), corn flakes (I could finish a box in a day), ice cream (ya, I've finished a carton in a day) and pasta. Pasta was one of those soft, easily made, easily consumed foods that disappeared before I blinked twice. Plus, once I realized how many calories were in a tiny little serving, I decided it wasn't worth it.

I don't buy pasta very often now and I tend to measure it out if I'm going to eat it. Today, for some reason, I decided to prepare the whole bag and have it for lunches/dinners to take to work. I'll admit that I ate past a 5, but I ate so much less than what would have filled me in the past. I think I was full on 2 servings, rather than the 6 or so that I would have had previously. I think God is teaching me to change my eating, and so changing my fullness levels.

I wonder... does that mean I'll be able to healthfully consume other previously taboo foods? I may cautiously try.

I've been seriously putting off Bible study this week. I don't work tomorrow, so I plan to make some definite quality time for study of the Word and prayer. I miss it!

Instant gratification or discipline?

2009-09-18T19:04:00.001-07:00

I do a lot of deep thinking in the shower. How about you?

The other day I was thinking about having to give up certain things in my life if I wanted to add in other things. I threw myself a little pity party right there in the shower and thought that I don't want to give up my activities, my independence, my happiness...blah, blah, blah.

I realized that I'd be ok if those things were taken from me, but I for sure don't want to have to lay them down and walk away. You see, if they are taken from me, then I am the victim and I can shift the blame outwardly. If I choose to give something up I have no one to look to but myself if my choices make me unhappy. Man! I am like that all of the time. I am not very good at living out Romans 12.1:

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

What I want is instant gratification ALL OF THE TIME, but I know fully that the blessing is not found in gratifying the flesh continually. Below is a link to a youtube video about kids, marshmallows and instant gratification:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amsqeYOk--w&feature=related

God pointed me today to Hebrews 12. I have a serious need to do a deep study of verses 1-13. It's all about discipline in the Christian walk. The one thing that gets us through it is looking at Jesus, contemplating Him who is our perfect example and complete provider.

I'll work on this passage and post on it later.

Exercise

2009-09-18T16:50:00.003-07:00

I go to the YMCA for exercise (especially in the summer months when it's too hot here to be outside). My favorite class is Zumba - dance aerobics with Latin dance music. I also do spinning, kick boxing and yoga depending on when I have free time during the week. I don't do very well on the machines. I get really bored really fast. I'm looking forward to cooler weather so I can get out and jog or cycle.

I used to hate, hate, hate exercise. About 8 years ago I got to a point with my weight where I was totally disgusted with myself. I resolved to lose weight. I decided to put myself on a 2000 calorie diet (because that's what "they" always say is a good amount) and to exercise everyday. I was in school full-time (my last semester) and was working full-time at McDonald's. I counted calories diligently (I now know the caloric content of every menu item at McD). I was pretty tired every day but I urged myself to exercise even just 20 minutes per day. I didn't want to go to the gym or be in public, so I started my own aerobic dancing in my basement apartment (thank God it was the basement!). Doing 20 minutes was so hard at times. I even knew how many songs on certain CDs added up to 20 minutes and rarely went past it.

In some ways it was a good semester. I lost 25 pounds that I have never regained. On the other hand, I was a slave to the calorie numbers. Sometimes I felt starved for more. Other times I ate when I wasn't hungry just because I had extra calories to spare. It's an obsessive place to be in.

I had an even more obsessive time about 4 years ago which was successful for only about 4 months and all of the weight quickly returned.

I'm thankful that the Lord has taught and grown me into a person that doesn't have to calorie count everything (although I still have a very strong tendency towards that) and I exercise if I want and if I have time. No more beating myself up for not exercising. Well, I'm not totally free of it yet. Is it possible to be free-er?

In my yoga class the last couple of weeks the instructor has asked us to "send positive energy" to her daughter who has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. It makes me cry. I don't know what "positive energy" is or what it is supposed to do. However, I DO KNOW the King of the universe and He loves her so. I pray for them to know Jesus and for Him to get all of the glory for any successful treatment that she may get. I can't remember the daughter's name, but her mom is Gladys if you'd like to pray for her.

What a privilege! To know the Maker of all heaven and earth!

Psalm 8 (Amplified)

1 O LORD, our Lord, how excellent (majestic and glorious) is Your name in all the earth! You have set Your glory on [or above] the heavens.
2 Out of the mouths of babes and unweaned infants You have established strength because of Your foes, that You might silence the enemy and the avenger.
3 When I view and consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained and established,
4 What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of [earthborn] man that You care for him?
5 Yet You have made him but a little lower than God [or heavenly beings], and You have crowned him with glory and honor.
6 You made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet:
7 All sheep and oxen, yes, and the beasts of the field,
8 The birds of the air, and the fish of the sea, and whatever passes along the paths of the seas.
9 O Lord, our Lord, how excellent (majestic and glorious) is Your name in all the earth!

Psalm 115:15

May you be blessed by the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Do you not know?

2009-09-15T09:49:00.002-07:00

I'm working through week 2 of the Thin Within workbook #1. Each week there is a Bible verse to memorize. I have been so lax during most of my Christian walk about memorizing Scripture. I am really trying to focus on it now.

The verse for last week was from Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things. Do not dwell in the past. See - I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

That's a good thing to remember! God is the great "I am". He is the present. He lives in the present and call me/us to do the same.

The verse from this week is from 1 Corinthians 6.19-20
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God in your body.

(I tried to type those by memory, I'm still lacking a little in the second one).

This verse is a great truth. Once I gave my life to Christ (I gave - a completed action that I performed in the past), it is no longer my own (not that it really ever was). If I give something up, I can no longer lay claim to it.

I cannot claim my own rights or say that I deserve anything. I know what I do deserve and it is a gracious and merciful thing that God isn't giving it to me!

So, if I have a hard day at work do I have the right to eat with abandon? This life is no longer mine. I am not the Master of this house. I ought not think that I can just do anything with it. It is the Lord's temple. I am so limited in my puny human mind to think that I know the ultimate best for me. I know very little! Praise God that He always has my best at heart (His best being Himself)!

I was thinking about my 'rights' the other day. can I really lay claim to any right at all? I don't have a right to owning a house or a car; I don't have a right to a university education or a good job (or any job at all!); nor do I have the right to do as I please whenever I please. And yet, the world I live in tells me I have the right to these things and so many more!

I'm even told in the Declaration of Independence that my Creator has given certain unalienable rights: to live, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There is nowhere in Bible where the Lord God of the universe gives me these rights (if I'm wrong, please correct me). I don't have the right to life, life is a gift from the Lord (Romans 5.12-21). I certainly don't have the right to freedom. My freedom is in Christ alone - a gift from Him when He freed me from my bondage to sin (Galatians 5.1). And how can I pursue joy or happiness apart from the Lord?

The only right that I count on is the right that was gifted to me by the Father:
Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God (John 1:12)

What a glorious gift and right that I can lay claim to! I am a child of God! I will let Him guide me in the details.

first Thin Within meeting!

2009-09-11T18:57:00.003-07:00

Last night I had my first get-together with a local gal who is also going through the Thin Within workbook #1!

I'm super excited about it. She is the first person that I've ever met face-to-face who knows the TW book, program and The Lord's Table. Also, she's a believer (I started by typing "of course", but really there's no assuming anything). It was so great because we can use the lingo and know exactly what we're talking about.

I'm glad to have someone to go through it with so I can have some accountability. I think I talked her head off, though - poor lady! :)

I especially like the importance that the workbook puts on Scripture memorization. I even memorized the first one! I used to try to memorize a lot, but I've become lazy and complacent in that discipline over the years. I'm glad I have a motivation to try again.

Today my husband and I prepped dinner for a foreign student Bible study at ASU. I don't get to attend with him because I have to work :( I made some Cuban food, I hope they enjoy it. In the process, however, I sliced up my thumb pretty terribly. Not bad enough to warrant stitches, but it hurts and I should get a tetanus shot...lock jaw will do me no good!

The Shack

2009-09-02T19:05:00.002-07:00

I started reading "The Shack" this week on recommendation from a friend. I've heard mixed reviews, but most have been positive. I have to admit, up until now I mostly like it.

For sure, it is an analogy and any analogy of what/who/how God is will be imperfect. This book is being likened to "Pilgrim's Progress". I've met some people who like it (I loved it, but analogies work really well for me) and some people who don't. The things I like most about "The Shack" have less to do with the analogies and more to do with explanations.

I think the book does a really good job explaining good versus evil, light verses dark, and the importance of relationship with God and in the Body of believers.

I can see how a lot of people wouldn't like the book. It questions the reader's understanding of Who God is (big white bearded man in the sky?), the difference between religion and relationship and our role in the community of believers.

Again, I can't expect this book to be perfect, because it was written by a human, but I think it brings up many good points. An every time it talks about God's love it takes my breath away.

I'm not finished yet, but I've been zooming through it. I imagine I will finish it soon.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Maybe it's because I've been reading this book (it's causing me to think about and deal with some sin issues that are uncomfortable)... this week I have been so grumpy. And sad. I snapped at my husband last night, which I've really never done before (not bad for 15 months of marriage). I know that I have been needing to dive head-first into some truth, but I just haven't wanted to.

Instead, I've wanted to console myself with food (I think I snapped at my husband after he took the chips away from me) and anesthetize myself with TV and sleep (I went to bed at 8 pm last night).

The truth is: I've got to get over myself. I've got to focus on the Lord rather than on me. Only then will I be satisfied and only then will I be free.

Entitlement

2009-08-30T20:17:00.002-07:00

I started the Thin Within workbook #1 today. For all of my desire to do well, be obedient and follow the guidelines I just really feel entitled to eat three times a day.

Today after church we went to a luncheon given by a friend who returned from work in Afghanistan. I always love hearing from her and hearing about the things that God is doing in Central Asia. Pray for "James" if you get a chance. He's a local believer.

Our friend brought in Afghan food- yummy! Now, 8 hours later I'm not hungry, but I want to be. Also, I had a stress-provoking call about a family issue. I told my husband afterward that all I wanted to do was eat.

Lord, help me to be obedient to You and to my body.

Day 30 of Thin Within

2009-08-28T19:47:00.002-07:00

Today I did the last reading in the Thin within book.

I'm so thankful that I was directed to this God-focused, grace-oriented look at gluttony, body image and food idolatry.

Starting Sunday I am going to begin going through Workbook #1 of the Thin within series. Even though going through the 30-day book over 3 months was a nice pace, I think it will be good to do the daily Bible study that the workbook offers. It looks like I might even have someone to go through it with me live!

I'm going to step on the scale on Sunday - I haven't for a little while now - and we'll see if there are any physical changes after this summer's study :)

Jesus is my enabler

2009-08-25T10:38:00.002-07:00

I hope this doesn't look disrepectful!

Last night on my way home I heard a snipit of a message from Charles Stanley (I think). He spoke on Philipians 4.13 and described it as Paul's way of saying that everything he does is empowered or enabled by God.

I think it would be cool to have a t-shirt that says "Jesus is my enabler" on the front and "Philippians 4.13" on the back!

The truth is, He is the only One who enables or empowers me to do anything good or for His glory.

He's the One who will enable me to walk away from food idolatry. I

am really fed up with it (no pun intended, but enjoyed)! I just want to be done already. I wish I could put it down and walk away. I feel like in Jesus I should be able to just lay it down. Can I? Will I sabotage myself? Or can I really just walk away from it?

Enable me, Jesus, to chose you!

GOODSTUFF # 606 WORTH

2009-08-24T07:51:00.002-07:00

The following is from a weekly email that my Sunday School teacher, Bert Harned, puts out. You can see a number of his musings at his website: http://www.bertsgoodstuff.com/. I hope this speaks to you as it did to me.

The worth of something to you is revealed by how much you are willing to pay for it.

That means that God’s love for us is enormous beyond our ability to understand!
When I think of Who it is that loves me, it is overwhelming!

Ruth Myers book THE SATISFIED HEART is about the incredible love God has for us. It has greatly helped me to understand God’s love.

Several years ago I took time to seriously think about His love for me and wrote down a list of words that helped me get a handle on what Jesus was willing to pay

He was lifted up (on the cross); marred; despised; forsaken; stricken; smitten; afflicted; pierced; crushed; chastened; scourged; oppressed; cut off; put to grief; anguished; poured out...........

For the love which Christ has [for me] Presses on me from all sides, Holding me to one end Prohibiting me from considering any other, Wrapping itself around me in tenderness

(Wuest 2 Cor 5.14)

"YOU ARE PRECIOUS TO ME, & I LOVE YOU" Isa 43.4

"I HAVE LOVED YOU WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE." Jer 31.3

"HE CARES FOR YOU." 1 Peter 5.7

"THY LOVINGKINDNESS IS BETTER THAN LIFE.." Psalms 63.3

"BEHOLD..I HAVE INSCRIBED YOU ON THE PALMS OF MY HANDS." Isa 49.16

Spend some time on it!

bh August 22, 2009

submission and obedience

2009-08-23T20:42:00.002-07:00

James 4:7 "Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."

Apparently the Lord wants me to learn obedience and submission. Over the last few years God has taught me that these two words aren't bad. They are godly and describe a person who is in communion with the Lord.

For a long time I've known that I don't love others the way God does. I really appreciated the Forgiveness exercise from the Thin Within book, because it helped to teach me to do a godly, commanded exercise that I didn't "feel" like doing. I can chose to do the things God commands me to, or leads me to, because I want to be obedient and submissive to him.

One of the beautiful things that has come out of learning about Islam is that the name of their very belief system means "submission". Of course, I wish they knew the hope of grace in Christ Jesus that empowers believers to live a godly life, but I also wish that we, as believers in Christ, focused more on the freedom that comes through submission.

The teaching pastors at my church have been going through a series about prayer. Today the focus was on answered prayer. One of my main prayers right now is freedom from gluttony and food/body idolatry. The Lord has been so good to me over these last several months, yet in my refusal to submit to Him at times, I have foiled my own hope of freedom.

Our pastor posed the question, "Are you trying to answer your own prayer?"

Am I praying to God, saying that I am expectant of Him, but doing the best to try to solve it myself? Am I feigning submission?

Lord, help me to be submissive to you. Only then will I be able to resist my flesh, the word, and the lies of Satan. It is very possible that I will always have inappropriate desires for food, but I pray that in Your strength, I will be able to choose You instead. Lord, truly, my desire is to be so liberated from food that i don't think about it nor am I interested in it unless I'm hungry. I don't know if that is what you'll have for me, but I know that You have done greater things than this. Amen.

YAY!

2009-08-20T10:40:00.003-07:00

I had the best day yesterday!

I took the train (light rail) to work and surprisingly sat next to an old roommate, who I see much less often than I would like. Then, I was busy at work. It was delightful :) I want to work when I'm at work, not try to find something to do. Then, I had some time after work so I went to one of my favorite coffee shops, got some tea and did some Bible study homework. To top that off I got to have dinner at one of my favorite places with one of my favorite people...sigh, it was lovely.

I've decided to go through the Thin Within workbook #1 once we finish the book in a couple of weeks. I got it in the mail last week. It's pretty intense - 12 weeks of daily Bible study. It will be good for me. They also include space for daily charting. Honestly, I haven't really been using the charts much in the Thin Within book. At first, I was scared that I would become legalistic about it so I never started. I think, now, they are tools that I will be able to use, but I'm going to be very observant of how I relate to them. They are just tools, like food is just energy; they are not gods.

Ramadan starts on Saturday the 22nd. It is a time of month-long fasting in the Muslim world as they seek to know God more. My prayer is for them to know Jesus, not as prophet, but as savior and Lord. There is an organization that produces a prayer booklet for Christians to use in praying for Muslims during the month of Ramadan. You can check them out here: http://www.30-days.net/

Thank you, Jesus, for providing exactly what I need - and abundantly!

Focus on the Lord

2009-08-14T10:37:00.002-07:00

This week has been pretty "bleh".

My eating has been kind of out of whack and I haven't done any exercise at all. My legs are anxious to move! I usually get some exercise in on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, but for one reason or another it didn't happen this week.

I've also really been struggling to keep in the Word and in prayer. I know that's a huge reason why my eating has been unbalanced. I have not invited God to any of my meals this week.

I've had a grumpy, bad attitude.

Today is a new day. Today I am faced with new decisions and none of the poor choices I have made this week need to affect those of today.

After work I have already scheduled in time to spend with the Lord One-on-one and tomorrow I'm going hiking with some friends. YAY!

I am not defined by my past or my poor decisions. I am defined by Christ. And Christ is not a slothful glutton.

I have all in God

2009-08-11T08:53:00.002-07:00

Apparently, the Lord is really trying to drive home the point to me that I do have all in Him and that He is completely sufficient for everything I need.

Last night on Family Life Radio I was listening to a program called "Walk in the Word". The teacher was speaking on covetousness. I was really thankful because these "little sins" don't get touched on very often - and I need the lesson!

He was teaching out of Number 11. The Hebrews were complaining about only receiving manna to eat. They longed for food that they saw in Egypt. The teacher proposed some ideas of why covetousness is sin (I only heard the first two, then I got out of my car, but they are worthwhile anyhow!).

First, he said that covetousness (that is, the desire for something) become sin once we yield to it. He said that the more we focus on something, the more inevitable it is that we will yield to it.

It's not wrong to want to eat (God made my body to be fortified through food), but it becomes sin when I lust for it and indulge too much.

His second point was that covetousness in our lives shows that we believe that God is insufficient. He put it as, "We want God AND..." Yes, we want the Lord, but we also want a house on the lake, travel opportunities and, in my case, all the food I can eat without ever gaining a pound!

This gives me a lot to think about - every time I inordinately want something I pray that the Lord will take me back to the second point. I pray that I will realize that the Lord is more than sufficient.

I work at a Catholic hospital (one that actually still practices, not just nominal) and every morning the Mission Services department sends out an email to the entire staff with a prayer for the day. Honestly, it's usually pretty generic, but sometimes I really like it.

This morning they included a quote from Lady Julian of Norwich. She was a Medieval mystic in England who wrote a ton about God's love. This is her quote that was included:

God of Your goodness, give me Yourself, For You are sufficient for me…
If I were to ask anything less I should always be in want, for in you alone do I have all

The Lord is sufficient for me! I was so intrigued by this writing (many 14th-15th century writing focus on God's judgment and wrath so this is kind of nice!) that I looked her up on the Internet. The Wikipedia article on her is worthwhile to look at as are a couple of other sites. I'll include their links at the bottom.

Praise You, Lord, for being all good, all loving and all sufficient for me! I ask for the same things that Julian asked for:
(a) true contrition, (b) natural compassion and (c) unshakeable longing for God. To know you more, Lord, is all I could ask for!
Amen!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_of_Norwich
http://www.saintnicholas.contactbox.co.uk/archive/julian.htm
http://elvis.rowan.edu/%7Ekilroy/JEK/05/08.html

Confident of HIs Touch - TW Days 22 and 23

2009-08-10T09:56:00.002-07:00

Our assignment for Thin Within last week was to complete the reading and exercises in days 22 and 23. The focus of these exercises is to work through 10 steps to Strengthen Your Belief System, taken from Charles Stanley.

I think these steps form a good process for any believer working on habitual sin. Some stood out for me more than others, but I appreciate the value of each one. I like the fact that it gets me to focus on scriptural Truth about God, me and our relationship. I'm just going to briefly highlight some of the things that most stood out to me.

Step 3 is to highlight Bible verses that deal with courage, confidence, faith and believing. I found one that really spoke to me. In John 16.33 Jesus is talking to His disciples during the Passover feast (the Last Supper). He says:
"These things I have spoken to you so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulations, but take courage, for I have overcome the world."

I love this for two points:
1) My peace is in Him. It's not in me, or meditation or lack of conflict. It's in Him.
2) "...I have overcome the world." In English, when we use this verb form (have overcome) it is a 'perfect verb', meaning that the activity is completed, in the past, with reference to the present. The Greek, however, has a different meaning for this form. Not only is it an activity done in the past, it's effect continues to occur even in the present. This is what makes it a 'perfect', or complete, verb. So, it's not just that Jesus at one time overcame the world, rather He continues to overcome it, in a sense.

[The same thing is true in Galatians 2.20. Some versions render "I am crucified with Christ" others have it as "I have been crucified with Christ". In the Greek sense of the verb, both are correct renderings. Paul was and is crucified with Christ because that action, although in the pat, continues having a present effect.]

Sorry if that was too much grammar ;)

Step 4 includes praying God's promises. I love that because it encourages me to pray Scripture. If I don't know what to pray I can always go to the Word.

I had a hard time with Step 5 (that may be because I chose not to form specific goals through this study. I had no sense of guiding from the Lord and I wanted to just focus on the teachings in the TW book rather than focus on completing a goal). However, from way back on Day 9 I had inspiration from a phrase at the top of page 89 "He holds your future and longs to give you His hope." Since then, I've focused on the fact that one day I will be totally free from gluttony (that may not be until I'm in heaven, but it is a Truth that I can bank on). So, at times when I'm tempted I guess I use this visualization step to say to myself, "The Yvonne of the future doesn't eat that way."

I liked Step 6. I was asked to think of 3 qualities that I would like to foment. I chose to be obedient, content and God-focused (as my friend, Melissa, says, to be "Cross-eyed"). I would love, for my own sake, to be these things, but I would also love for others to look at me and think, "wow, Yvonne is obedient, content and focused on the Lord". He has done more miraculous things in this world than that! ;)

Lastly, Step 7 reminded me of my husband. He is a huge promoter of "positive thinking". I feel like I've made huge strides in negative to positive thinking since my teen years, but I'm still far behind my husband. I appreciate the importance of learning from circumstances and I feel like I've learned more about his during the last couple of months with Thin Within.

To end I wanted to share a verse I read today. In my Sunday school class we are starting a study on the gospel of John. This is 1.16, speaking of Jesus:

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."

Amen!

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; sometimes I let her sleep"

2009-08-07T08:43:00.002-07:00

I'm pretty sure that this post's title is exactly what my husband was saying to himself this morning.

Man, have I been grumpy lately! I wonder why. Is there something new going on? Or is it that I'm always grumpy, but I've only become aware of it lately because of what the Lord is teaching me? Or could it be that Satan is doing his best to get me off track? May it's all three (yikes!).

The good thing is that I'm very aware of it. This means that I don't react so quickly and I can make to choice to react or not. For example, this morning my husband pointed out a problem with the shirt I had on and I needed to change. I had a little tantrum ("Oh I hate this," I said) and I told him I was grumpy. His answer: "Apparently". :) Fast forward about 90 minutes. I got to work and my coworker asked me to research a surgical procedure. I then had three people standing over my shoulder as I was searching. In my head I kept thinking "Back off! Give me some room! If you know everything why are you asking ME for help! I'm not even awake yet. Where's my coffee? Go away!" Thankfully, I was able to keep it all INSIDE my head. :)

Praise You, God, that I'm not so quick to react as I once was. Give me your love for other people. Continue to teach me that it's not about me getting my way. Thank you for loving me through this process!

On other notes:

My husband got a contract job that will provide income for about 3 months. YAY! This will help immensely with his student loans. Praise God! He has always taken care of me/us. Even when it gets tight, He provides just enough.

It's been hard to reign in my eating this week. I've been choosing foods that are 'pleasers' but not 'whole body pleasers'. I need to be more prayerful about my choices.

I'm also finding that I need more exercise than I've been getting. My job has been so sedentary in the last couple of weeks that I crave exercise when I get off of work. On Wednesday we had dinner with a friend. Because I didn't exercise that day my back and my backside were sore and tired from sitting all day and evening.

When I started studying gluttony and loosing weight in January I decided that I would limit the amount of exercise that I was doing. About 3.5 years ago I lost a good 20 pounds by working out, but I did it excessively 10-15 hours per week. I don't want to be that person again. However, I think the 3-4 hours per week that I'm doing now isn't sufficient, especially given the fact that my job is more sedentary than before. I'm going to cautiously increase my exercise time, asking my husband to help rein me in. I'm so looking forward to October when I can get outside again. It's too hot now to go biking or jogging :(

My Deliverer

2009-08-06T08:47:00.003-07:00

This morning on KLOVE they played Mandissa's song "My Deliverer". I really enjoy this song, especially the line saying "My Deliverer, who rescued me from all that held me captive."

What does "all" mean? Everything. Not nothing! Not even lacking anything. ¡Todo!

It made me think of two things.

What else am I still in bondage to? What else needs to be dealt with so I can say that He has, in fact, rescued me from EVERYTHING?
What does the Bible say about the Lord being my deliverer?

Let's see!

I know one thing that hinders me is my lack of love for others. I am also hindered by my sense of self-entitlement, that I deserve things and that I should always get my way. I am hindered by fear of feelings - I'd rather be entertained and jovial than deal with real life or emotions. I tend to see in Bible study how things can apply really well to to others (that is, "Hey, if so-and-so knew this, she'd really be better off.") rather than taking it to heart and seeing how the Lord wants to use it to change ME.

Please, Lord, deliver me from this flesh! In the meantime, help me to focus on You so that You can work in me as You deem necessary.

Now to the verses:

2 Samuel 22:2 He said: "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;"

Both Psalm 40:17 and 70:5 essentially say the same thing: "Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God. You are my help and my deliverer; O LORD, do not delay."

Nehemiah 9:27 So you handed them over to their enemies, who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them, and in your great compassion you gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies.

I especially like this last one because I feel that this is how the Lord has dealt with me, as well. I wanted what I wanted and He let me have it. Then, when I realized that it caused me difficulty, He compassionately provided deliverance for me. That is one amazing and awesome God!

Enjoy the blessing

2009-08-05T11:07:00.002-07:00

Have I mentioned that I'm loving the Beth Moore series "Stepping Up"? The Lord has me in the perfect place so I can grasp this and let it change me. It's an interesting 'journey'...

In week 4 day 2 of this study the focus is on blessing and I particularly enjoy some of these quotes:

"The Hebrew word asher... encompasses both, suggesting both a condition (blessed) and a human reaction (happy)" p. 99

"Biblically, one is pronounced blessed when God is present and involved in his life." p. 99 quoted from Zodhaites, 1996

So, it's not just a case of getting what I want, making God into a spiritual vending machine!

"Blessedness describes the condition of a person who reveres God, steeps her life in Him and follows His ways. She doesn't just look to God in spiritual or religious matters. she looks to Him in every matter. He's not just the most important part of her life. He is her life. The result of this divine invasion is that the life operates overall at optimum earth-satisfaction, joy and purpose without the crushing burdens of self-glory and sin. In other words, her life actually works."

Amazing! I have lived in so much dysfunction at times that reading this amazes me! When my life "works", even though it's difficult, I know that it is a direct result of God's presence in my life.

I work in a place where people hope for blessings and miracles everyday. But what does it look like? Is the blessing in recovery or in going home without he Lord? I like some of her quotes defining blessing:

"...walking in God's ways is its own blessing." p. 100

"Sometimes the blessing resides in what we avoided, not just in what we gain." p. 100

Lord, You are my blessing. More than good health, more than financial stability, loving family, success in weight loss or fulfilling all of my dreams. It is You! You are already present in the hard times to come and in the fun times. Let my focus be continually on You and not on the circumstances.

*********************************************************
On a side note:

There are a lot of what I consider to be "fluffy" terms in the English language, particularly in women's ministry. The Lord is slowly teaching me (or, actually, I'm slowly learning) to love and accept whatever terminology people use in their walk with Him (like the term 'journey'). I know some of what bugs me is due to the fact that I'm a linguist/translator/interpreter and words are my life (well, the Word is my life, you get it). I constantly analyze what people say, how they say it, what they mean by it and whether I could find a good translation for it. Terms like 'journey' are so hard! They don't just mean a trip, voyage, vacation, etc. They imply so much more emotionally that's hard to explain. So, sometimes I gloss over things if I think they are too fluffy, or don't appear to have much meaning. I used to be like that with 'journey', but I now embrace it as an all-encompassing word to express a purposeful movement away from one thing and toward another.

Forgive my ranting...

TW Day 21

2009-08-04T08:29:00.002-07:00

I'm not sure why, but I'm having difficulty "getting" and retaining Day 21 from the Thin Within book. I have to go back to it over and over in order to remember what's there.

Lord, if there is anything that is hindering me from grasping and understanding this lesson, please remove it. If it is because of my sin or stubbornness, please reveal it to me. If it is Satan trying to keep me from You, please remove him.

I think I'll camp out on Day 21 until I "get it".

On the other had, I've been made aware of other triggers that send me to food. I was so excited after doing the forgiveness activity, thinking that it would be a major key to my freedom from food. The Lord showed me last night that I have the same attitude towards other things. To explain, I found in the Day 20 exercise that most of my anger and frustration towards others(that I numb with food) is due to my own desires going unmet by these individuals. Last night I learned that the same is true for inanimate objects and circumstances.

Yesterday was a fine, average day at work. It was pretty toasty when I left (the high was 114) which make me a little grumpy. I stopped at McD's and had a light dinner because I knew that after Bible study I was going home to some yummy cookies and I wanted to be hungry for them. Bible study was fine (well, the Lord continues to show me that I don't have love for other women like He does, but that's an on-going issue). And then, I got into my car to come home.

My car is little-by-little falling apart. Nothing bad or scary happened on the drive home, but I began thinking about the various car problems, the traffic, highway construction, etc. and by the time I arrived home I was a ball of tension. I went right to the freezer where these cookies are and scarfed down two without breathing. I then ate two pieces of cheese and a large bowl of cereal, which I was not hungry for. By this time maybe 10 minutes had passed, my head cleared and I had some sanity restore to me. I said to my husband. "I think something's stressing me out because all I want to do is eat." He promptly took my bowl away and asked me about my day (sigh... he's great). Yet again, I figured that I was mad because I wasn't getting my way (in this case, having a trouble-free car).

It really helps me to say it out loud to someone (once I realize it). Yes, I went to food for comfort, but I am now more quickly able to realize it and stop it. Thank You Lord that the amount of damage that I do to myself is less than before! Thank You that You are showing me a way out of this bondage!

Stepping Up homework week four

2009-08-03T09:59:00.002-07:00

Wow! Amazing! I almost can't believe it!

I know that the Lord is really trying to teach me something when it comes at me from all sides! This is a precious time in my life with the Lord. Even though my outside circumstances don't seem like anything special, I will always fondly remember the Summer of 2009 as a special time in my walk with God because He is teaching me some awesome things!

A few years ago, when I was just getting to know the man who would become my husband, I was given the opportunity to edit the Spanish version of a marriage ministry book called "Fortified Marriages". The authors knew I was single and the wife at one time said to me, "Maybe reading through all of this is preparation for you." That made me nervous :) but she was right. The Lord gave me that material at that moment to prepare me for the next huge step in my life.

A few months ago I had a patient in my hospital who knew Jesus. He had been frustrated and depressed by his circumstances, but then the Lord showed him what a great opportunity this was to rest and study the Word (what else are you going to do in a hospital bed for a month?). This man's sorrow was turned to gladness and he chose to make the best of every moment he had to be prepared for whatever the next step might be.

This is how I feel now. I don't know what the next step is for me, but I can tell this is a time of teaching, renewal and preparation from the Lord. He is really drilling into me topics like freedom in Christ, obedience, submission, joy, forgiveness, prayer and being satisfied in Him. These are all topics I've touched on before in my walk, but God is really emphasizing them now. I'm excited! What will He do next? If nothing else He is freeing me from gluttony, self-centeredness and unforgiveness. Hallelujah!

Last night I was finishing up my homework for Bible study tonight. I am so enjoying the "Stepping Up" series by Beth Moore. I know the Lord is taking me on an awesome journey this summer! Even though she doesn't write specifically about "forgiveness" her lesson on Week 4, Day 4 goes right along with Thin Within's Day 20. I wanted to quote some of what she says:

"Freedom never comes through disobedience." p. 106
I can be free from gluttony and unforgiveness/bitterness only as I submit to the Lord.

"Anything we've continued to battle from our youth is habitual enough to require Christ's healing work. Only He can clarify our clouded belief systems. Otherwise the cycle will never break." p. 108

Only by soaking in Christ's presence will I be able to be freed-up from everything I've carried since childhood/adolescence.

On page 109 Beth shares Isaiah 51:22, that the Sovereign Lord defends His people. She indicates that He defends us even when our oppression is self-inflicted by our own acts of idolatry, unbelief and rebellion.

Beth says on p. 110:
"Comprehending God's loyalty to us and consciously leaving all vindication to Him is crucial if you and I don't want to inadvertently go from being oppressed to being an oppressor. If we don't allow God to heal our hearts, minds, and habits, we will either continue to allow people to walk all over us or we'll be come people who walk all over them."

I found, from doing the TW Day 20 forgiveness exercises, that most of my anger and bitterness was self-inflicted and that my hurt turned to hate, making me the oppressor. How sad! But praise God for showing me that so I'll choose not to do it anymore!

I have got to turn to the Lord and let Him deal with all of this so that I can be a more effective tool for His kingdom. I am so thankful for these messages and for the fact that God has softened my heart to them. I know this is not the first time I've heard all of this, but it's like a breath of fresh air!

The forgiveness activity - TW day 20

2009-08-02T16:39:00.002-07:00

Last night I spent a good hour working on the forgiveness activity from Day 20. Wow! It was rough, but I'm thankful for it because I saw something incredible and new.

I had 6 people/groups that I chose to write about in the activity. The include family, people from my youth and people I lost friendships with and people that I am friends with now. I wrote about each on a separate page. My plan is to work through this, even if I have to continue writing about it for some time to come, and when I am done I will burn the pages. I began each entry in a similar fashion to the example given in the Thin Within book. I then proceeded to list, in general terms, the hurts and grievances that I have been holding onto. I also made sure to really look at the grievance and not just blow it off or excuse it (that's what I've been doing for years and has gotten me nowhere).

Then I made an amazing discovery.

I found that the vast majority of my grievances all stemmed from the same injury: these people weren't living up to MY standards! I was holding things against them that I unnecessarily expected of them! One example is a guy that I used to be friends with and had a huge crush on. The Lord had clearly told me not to pursue him. When it finally became obvious to me that he was not romantically interested in me, in my feelings I turned on him and I lost his friendship (which had been very dear to me). I had certain standards for him (ungodly personal Yvonne expectations) that he didn't live up to. So I've been angry for years because he couldn't read my mind.

WOW! Amazing! Most of my anger and bitterness has been SELF-INFLICTED. I need to spend time in the Word to get to know the Lord so that I know what His will is. That way, I can line up my will with His, have godly parameters, make biblically sound judgments and have no reason to hold my grievances against others.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense (my husband it talking at me in the background), but THIS IS HUGE for me. There are some things that I finally feel freed up about, things that I have been holding onto for half of my life.

Praise the Lord! He sets captives free!

TW Day 20

2009-07-31T08:55:00.003-07:00

I don't have too much planned for the weekend, so I'm hoping to sit down with a pen and some paper and really work through the forgiveness exercises from Thin Within Day 20 (and 19).

There's a lot of 'stuff' that I've left behind without dealing with it. Recently I've had a lot of present-time frustration and lack of forgiveness. Won't I be able to minister better if I "cast off that which hinders me" (Hebrews 12.1)? How many times have I read this verse never considering that my own lack of forgiveness was hindering me!

Lord, please do a new thing in me by helping me to release the burden of unforgiveness. I want to have the same kind of love for people that You have. Fill me with Your love so I can minister to others! Free me from my self-imposed bondage so I can serve You!

***I just found a great Russian proverb/saying that roughly translates to:

Fasting doesn't kill, but gluttony does.

Frustration, Food and Forgiveness

2009-07-30T08:21:00.002-07:00

I have been feeling anxious and frustrated for several days now. I know that the root of it all is that I'm not getting my way and I am holding my desires in a death grip. Yesterday, I broke down in tears because our house needs yet another set of repairs. Money has been getting tighter and tighter and this was this straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

I have been needing to go to God minute-by-minute to maintain any sense of peace. My gut instinct is to distract myself by watching TV, going to the gym, reading a book or something else. Additionally, I have been having cravings for food that I don't eat or rarely eat anymore. Last night all I wanted was mac and cheese and french fries (not together). This morning, in a saner state of mind, they both sound incredibly unappealing, but they were all I could think about yesterday. I told my husband and he directed me towards a salad, which I ate. It was good. It gave me the nourishment I needed without the emotional Band-Aid.

I was amazed by Heidi's blog this morning (http://godisdoinganewthing.blogspot.com/2009/07/chapter-20-i-realized-there-were.html) as my recent frustrations seem to line up with hers. I haven't read Day 20 yet - that is my plan for tonight. I know I still have a lot of baggage (I accidentally originally wrote 'naggage' - Freudian slip? hehehe) to deal with.

Man, aren't I tired by now of dragging around the same old stuff from year to year, from situation to situation. How wonderful it will be to be freed up from this emotional baggage!

I'm trying to make the conscious decision to go to God in thanks each time I get anxious and I try to get a realistic perspective on things. Also, I'm really digging the book 'The Satisfied Heart". I am convinced that the Lord is allowing these things to happen now so that I can learn and grow from it as I am helpful guided by "The Satisfied Heart" and "Thin Within". God doesn't torture me for kicks, He has a righteous plan that glorifies Himself every step of the way.

The Satisfied Heart

2009-07-29T09:32:00.002-07:00

Throughout the last several months, ans now even more doing the Thin Within study, I am seeing more and more the need to make God my all - my Provider, my satisfaction and my love. He is showing me more deeply and in more tangible ways the things that I cling to for security and love and that I need to know Him and reach for Him instead.

Several months ago I was recommended the book "The Satisfied Heart" by Ruth Myers (she also wrote 31 Days of Praise). It is written as a 31-day devotional, with an extensive introduction, on experiencing God's love. I've read through the first four days. In some ways it seems quite simple and in other ways it is so profound that I can't quite wrap my head around it.

I am encouraged by it, though, to know God in a new way and to look to Him for my satisfaction - not even to look to His blessings, but to look to His Person. The author has walked with the Lord closely for so many years and it would be easy for me to get discouraged y thinking "I can't do this, it's too much". But just as the TW steps can be daunting at first, they can also be practiced with the Lord's help. I just have to know that the Lord is pleased any time that I turn to Him, even if it's only momentarily. I'm sure that, as I continue to practice, it will become easier and more delightful!

On page 19 she shares a note of encouragement that she received after losing her first husband. It said, "May you find in the Lord Jesus Christ your Boaz." God lead her to the book of Ruth where, after also becoming widowed, she was rescued, in a sense, by Boaz who cared for all of her needs. The truth is, whether we have husbands or not, the Lord Jesus must be the one who satisfies all of our needs. I love my husband. He's awesome (a little nerdy, but awesome nonetheless)! But what a relief that my husband doesn't have to satisfy all of my needs. He's nowhere capable of doing that. And I'm sure it's a relief to him as well!

In the day 4 section, Ruth writes about how she felt overwhelmed by the verse commanding us to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. I thought, "Amen to that! How do you do it?" Ruth later found love from God in this verse. How amazing that He would esteem us so much that He would want US to love Him! I could command my husband to love me ( he, of course, would roll his eyes at me) and that would make sense in the fact that I love my husband and I want him to love me. It would be odd for me to approach a stranger on the street and say, "Love me! Love me!" I can only give and expect love from someone that I am in relation with. God cares enough for all of us that He desires love from us.

That's some pretty amazing news!

I am so enjoying this book and I pray that I'll learn more about being relational with God through it.

Stepping Up - Session 3

2009-07-28T08:25:00.002-07:00

I am so enjoying the Stepping Up series by Beth Moore. I have had many moments in the past where I was not her biggest fan - I'm not as feelings-gooshy and family-oriented as she is and, because of that, I've often had a hard time relating to what she says. But I do love deep Bible study with her.

In Session 3 of the Stepping Up series Beth talks about Psalm 127 and how God surrounds His people. She also talked a good deal about another annual pilgrimage feast (the Psalms of Ascent that we are studying in this series were routinely said as pilgrims made their way up to Jerusalem) - the Feast of Weeks, also known as Pentecost.

This particular feast was a time for the Israelites to remember their former bondage (i.e. slavery in Egypt, captivity in Babylon). Beth talked about the importance of remembering our past and remembering our bondage. It was all so good that I was madly writing in my margins and barely got it all!

Beth talked about habitual sin. Hers in the past was different than mine, but gluttony has the exact same effect. She talked about how you get to a desperate state of sin-repent-sin and you hope that you'll be freed-up from your binding sin just because you want that freedom bad enough. It never works that way. What does work, she says, is the Word of God. "You can't help but be healed when you're in the Word."

She says (and I paraphrase) "Don't ever think that your struggle is the one that God's Word can't break. If you take Him at His Word He can liberate you."

Once you/me/we are liberated, she indicates, once we experience His immeasurable grace in our lives, then He can use that bondage, that sin, that memory for His glory. Amen! That's amazing! And I know it's true - I've seen it happen. If you've been liberated from depression, you can minister to those in it. If you've been delivered from gambling, you can help show others the way out. My hope and prayer is that someday in the future I will be able to help others by showing them Christ so they can be freed from gluttony, too.

"Lord, never let me forget this experience," Beth says. As painful as the memories may be, they are all linked to God's amazing and abundant grace.

Beth also mentioned that the Feast of weeks was also a time of generosity - of generous grace and generous giving. I want to be generous and graceful to others, but my critical judgements in my mind have shown me that I don't extend much grace to others.

Beth went on to say (again, paraphrase), "If you are a graceful person you remember your bondage. To the degree that I understand and experience grace, I will be graceful to others."

Maybe I don't understand the amazingness of His grace. Maybe I'm not very thankful. Oh, I want to be that person!

There's so much more that she said that stuck with me, but one thing in particular gives me hope:

"He knows this turns out good. You might as well go with it."

Praise God! He knows my future and He knows it is good. I might as well start moving in that direction. Why fight it? Why fight Him?

Make the most of it!

2009-07-26T03:20:00.002-07:00

I'm at work at the hospital and it's about 3:30 in the morning on a Sunday. I just got finished interpreting for a neurosurgeon who told a family that their 19-year-old son is brain dead. Sometimes I hate my job.

I just got back to my office where I have KLOVE on and it started playing "How could I ask for more" by Cindy Morgan. I thought I was ok, but the lyrics to the song made me cry.

It's not what you do, it's how you live.

I want to live sincerely "no guilt in life, no fear of death" - the power of Christ living in me. I want to live full of gratitude, not bitterly holding on to old angers. I want to move on, get freed-up, leave gluttony behind and walk hand-in-hand with the Lover of my soul.

Live well! You don't know how much time you have.

TW days 17 and 18

2009-07-23T13:51:00.002-07:00

I really enjoy the focuses of days 17 and 18 in the TW book. Day 17 and Gratitude are just what I need and Day 18 and Boundaries are a wonderful help!

David, my husband, graduated from his mater's program in May and hasn't had a job offer yet. We're doing ok - if it weren't for his student loans we could live completely on my income, albeit tightly. We finally had some rain here this week which let us find out that we've got a pretty substantial leak in our roof :( The repair will be a big chunk of change.

When I learned this I really started to get anxious and I went into my "no-money" plan mode. Money was really tight for me after I finished my BA and God taught me how to live on almost nothing while still paying back student loans. It can be done (sí se puede!). This time around, though, I have to teach my husband. He's a pretty frugal guy, but not quite the penny-pincher I've been.

All that to say that God gave me the Gratitude section to read that very night. It was like He was saying, "Helloooo! Do you see all that you have, all that I've provided for? Come to me and I'll give you MY plan for your best." It was calming and humbling all at the same time!

I have, however, implemented, effective immediately, some changes to the household :) We live in an HOA that doesn't like clothes lines. We live in Arizona fro crying out loud! It's been 115 in the past days. If I hang clothes out they will be dry in 20 minutes (no kidding, I used to do it at my old house). My husband wants us to behave (I'm rolling my eyes a little) so, we have a line INSIDE the house. They take longer to try, but we're not using the dryer. :)

Secondly, I always really appreciate lessons on godly boundaries. Growing up I pushed some boundaries and maintained others and I know that, in general, our flesh doesn't like to have limits enforced, but they are good and healthy. For example, we like physical boundaries. In the neonatal ICU at my hospital, the nurses and therapists create boundaries for the babies (usually something along the line of rolled up blankets to form a nest around the baby). We were so used to the confines of our mother's womb that suddenly being outside of it is scary - especially for premies who aren't ready yet. For the same reason full-term babies get tightly swaddled. It's comforting.

In my one experience scuba diving I was staying at a dive instruction school off the coast of Honduras. When we went out on dives, they would take us to beautiful coral reefs that sloped down the embankment of the island. To one side, the reef, to the other, the wide, deep blue ocean. This was the one time in life that I was agoraphobic. It's so immense and unending. I didn't want to drift away from the relative safety of the reef into the unknown. I thought at that very moment, "Thank You, Lord for boundaries! Now I see a tangible reason why You made them! Even when I think things are ok, I don't know about everything that could happen, so You give me boundaries for my protection."

I also know now that the Lord gives boundaries just as discipline to show us the importance of following him. My buddy the other night was talking about Marine boot camp. A group of recruits had to tread water without touching their faces. After a few minutes one guy did. The drill sergeant singles him out and made him tread longer while the others watched. I asked why they couldn't touch their faces. My buddy said it's to break their will so they learn to do nothing apart from what their commanding officer orders.

Fortunately, our heavenly Drill Sergeant loves us and caringly teaches us. God has never told me, "Drop and give me 50!" but He has, at times, showed me very clearly His boundaries for my life. Sometimes I've been obedient, sometimes I've learned the very, very hard way.

These two lessons are amazing and so useful for me! I'm so very thankful that the TW book/program isn't about just not eating for the glory of God, but that it gives me very tangible, real and helpful tools to change my relationship with Him. I'll have to write the TW organization to thank them. :)

Bleh...

2009-07-22T12:40:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I felt famished all day. I had two bowls of cereal for breakfast and a large bowl of curry and rice for lunch. I think it's because I was dehydrated.

I also really wanted a cookie.

I tend to have these cravings that are insistent. Since starting the TW book study I have had success in not succumbing to them. Last night was not one of those times. When I got home, I just wanted something sweet - I wanted a cookie. But, we don't have any (as my husband says it's because I haven't made any). So, I had a little ice cream with a piece of chocolate. It wasn't much, but I wasn't hungry. This lead me down the path to stuffing my face with my husband's sugared cereal. I ate like 4 bowls worth. It was terrible.

I ate so much that I was too full to go to the gym. Double-whammy.

Observe and correct! I did that which DOES NOT serve me. I hope I remember to go to the Lord next time instead of the Costco-sized bag of cereal.

:)

Prayer

2009-07-20T11:14:00.003-07:00

Apparently the Lord really wants to get it through my head that prayer is important! It's not that I don't pray but my prayer life is lacking. The Lord is not the central focus in most of my activities/relationships. Thank you, God, for teaching me this before I get too far away!

Our church is going through a sermon series on prayer. It's been really great to learn about prayer in a new way. Yesterday the sermon title was "prayer faux pas" - that maybe our prayers reflect what we feel we need rather than what God wants most for us. The pastor gave us various examples from Paul's prayers in Ephesians 1 and 4 and Colossians 1 about what to pray for. Some of the topics were the knowledge of God, wisdom from Him, purity and peace - these all being things more eternally essential than even important issues on earth like health and basic necessities.

The pastor also pointed out some prayers that sound good but may not be reasonable. My favorite example is about saying grace before the meal:

"Dear Lord, thank you for this Big Mac. Bless it to nourish my body. Amen"

That is, praying that the Lord will give my Big Mac the same kind of nutrition as a bowl of veggies. :) This was a great example for me because it made me think of some of the shallow or self-serving prayers that I have said during my study in the TW book.

Lord, teach me to pray! Help me to praise You for who You are and to ask for Your guidance, leading and care. Lord, show me what You want for my life and correct me when I ask You to bless MY plan. Amen.

TW days 15 and 16

2009-07-19T18:32:00.002-07:00

I have had some difficulty with the activities in days 15 and 16 in the TW book. I see that I still have a lot to give over to the Lord.

First, I see my lack of prayerful eating. I may pray before eating, but I often lack in speaking to the Lord while I'm eating. I am not practicing the conscious eating key #2 "Reduce the number of distractions to eat in a clam environment". I've noticed mainly that either 1) I am paying attention to the people that I am eating with and not to my food; 2) I am choosing distraction by reading, having the TV on or 'multi-tasking' at work; or 3) I have been at a 0 for longer than I want and therefore I scarf down whatever is laid in front of me.

In the day 15 activity, "The first meal of the rest of your life", I found it was hard to be still with the Lord and to eat slowly. This is something that I need to pray about. Obviously, even though I may not be using food to push down emotions as before, I am still finding ways to avoid feeling things that are uncomfortable.

I think this was a helpful and very apropos activity to mark the halfway point through the book.

The day 16 activity was hard because I had to face some significant (i.e. difficult) times in my life. One thing I found in all of them, however, was that God made Himself known to me at just the right moment. Just when I thought I was going to lose it, He showed Himself in love to me. I also realized that three of the moments that I chose came to a head at about the same time - 8th grade - which was also when I came to know the Lord as my Savior. I always look back at my junior high years as a dreadful time, but this activity helped me to see that the Lord allowed such things so that my heart would be ready for Him.

I was additionally struck by a sentence at the top of page 161:
"And He empowers us by His amazing grace to experience the results He desires."

I live in a time and place where the term 'empowerment' is thrown around all of the time (and it is such a hard term to define in other cultures - it's difficult to translate at work!). The thing is, it's always spoken of in terms of 'self-empowerment' - that I am to do something to make myself able. That's a sham! How do I make myself more powerful? I can try to convince myself and others that I am, but that doesn't really mean it. The power that I am comes from the Holy God living in me!

The Lord says in Exodus 9:16:
"But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."

And this promise He gives in Acts 1:8:
"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

So, I have His power. How? By His amazing grace! It is so undeserved, but I am so thankful that He give it to me. This grace is His unmerited favor towards me. Why? Simply because I am His creation and loved by the One whose name is love (1 John 3).

Lastly, and this is the most profound to me, "...to experience the results He desires." He works His power and grace in me with the result being His plan. Not my plan. His plan is great, magnificent, awe-inspiring and, even though He does care about the most minute details of my life, including my weight, His ultimate results have nothing to do with my physical body. His desire, I believe, is reflected in many of Paul's prayers for believers:

Colossians 1.9-12:
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Nothing in this prayer refers to weight gain, good health, having a job or even providing for my family. Every request has to do with my spiritual health and relationship with the Lord.

Father, thank you so much for these activities in the TW book. They're so hard at times. You know it! But I;m thankful for them because they show me how You have been present in my life even in the hard times. You are amazingly and abundantly more gracious, loving and kind than I could ever imagine or hope for. Let me not waste your goodness! Help me be a good steward of everything that You give me for whatever amount of time that You keep me here. Praise Your name, Holiest God, Jehovah jirah (my provider) and el-roi (the God who sees). Amen!

Cautious freedom

2009-07-14T11:18:00.004-07:00

I was reading through some of Heidi's older posts (http://godisdoinganewthing.blogspot.com/) about eating and exercise and felt like I could relate.

About this time 4 years ago I started losing weight by obsessively counting calories and working out. It did me some good in the short term. I lost about 20 pounds (only to find them again). Actually, my lowest is only a tad less than my current weight.

The difference between then and now is that before I felt like it was a huge struggle and sacrifice. I gave myself X calories per day and I was constantly keeping a running total in my head. I worked out every day for at least an hour. Sometimes I was at the gym 3-4 hours on a Saturday. At that time I was working on my master's thesis and as soon as I had to pour all of my time and energy into the project, I had to quit going to the gym so often. With that, the weight poured back on. I gained back everything I lost within 3-4 months (it was also over Christmas).

Also, during that time, I was really vain. I was constantly checking myself out in mirrors (or reflective windows - anything shiny) and, since I had a nice income, I spent a lot on new clothing. I constantly wanted to look good. [Side note - it was during this time that I met my now-husband, so maybe at least it benefited him - hehehe]

The Lord has been so wonderful to me in 2009 in respect to gluttony and body issues. Using the TW principles I don't feel deprived. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing so much (blah, blah, blah). I feel free and I feel like God is going to do more.

That said, I'm optimistically cautious. I have a limit as to how much working out I can do in a given week. Part of that is so I don't obsess. The other part is that I know it's not sustainable over the long term. At some point I won't be able to work out 5-7 times in a week, so I don't start. (Ok, there was one week back in April when I went 5 times in a week, but I knew it was just a special case because I got to go to some free dance classes with my coworker.) Three is a good, healthy limit for me currently.

Part of this limit is because my mind-set was that of an 'exercise bulimic'. I thought, "If I can just work out enough, I can eat what I want." I've know for a long time that my bondage to food was the reason I was overweight. I thought that, as long as I could burn off the calories, I could eat whatever I pleased. I've struggled with this so much and I've known, as a follower of Christ, that gluttony is a sin. So, I started searching out biblical truth about gluttony and sin hoping to be freed, but focusing on the "bad-ness" of the sin doesn't save me from it. Only Christ does. I knew that I couldn't possibly exercise enough to burn all of the calories that I desired to consume. I was so frustrated!

I've gone through the materials of "The Lord's Table". It's good, solid information, but I wasn't ready to give it all up. After the 30 days was over, I essentially went back to eating as before. Because of that, it's essential that I don't look at Thin Within as a program, or day 30 as a limit. These are just keys to guide me to the Lord.

At the beginning of Thin Within (day 3, I think), we're asked to set a God-directed goal for the duration of the study. I didn't set one because I didn't hear anything from God. I think He just wants me to persevere and He'll tell me when I've made it to my destination. Sure, I've got personal goals that I would love to attain: have a BMI in the "normal weight" range, wear single-digit sized pants, go down a size on my wedding ring... but I figure that if I put myself into the Lord's hands, He'll do whatever is best.

Surrounded by God and other thoughts

2009-07-13T07:51:00.002-07:00

I was finishing up my Beth Moore homework in the "Stepping Up" series which has been a great companion in my walk through TW. I wanted just to share some of the amazing things I read.

Psalm 125:2
As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people both now and forevermore.

Stepping Up (SU) p. 71:
God has you surrounded. His presence looms over you from every direction.

What a joyful promise!

Psalm 126
1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed.
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.

In explaining the importance to sow in order to reap, Beth shares this story (SU p.81)

"Isak Pretorius said, 'One of the most frustrating things is that in villages where they receive seed, they often eat the seed rather than planting it and bringing forth harvest.' I couldn't get the statement out of my mind and suddenly had an answer to the questions I most often ask God: Why do some people see the results of the Word and others don't? Why do some study the Word of God yet remain in their captivity?"

I sit here stupefied. Why have I struggled to "get it"? for so long? Why haven't I made more progress in my walk despite enormous amounts of good teaching and community? Because I ate the seed instead of sowing it. For so many years that I read about the armor of God, rather than giving it a place to take root in my life, I just ingested the message and moved on.

(Of course, the pun about "eating" the seed is not lost on me in my journey to freedom from gluttony.)

Lord, help me not to be wasteful with Your word and teaching. Remind me to meditate on it and find an application for it so there will be an affect on my life. Be glorified, Lord, because You have changed me.

From the media

2009-07-10T09:07:00.002-07:00

I was reading on msnbc.com this morning and I found an article titled "8 ways the food industry hijacks your brain. It's fairly interesting.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31832558/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/

Below is a link to an interview with the same Dr. Kessler from the above article:
http://www.salon.com/env/feature/2009/06/18/overeating/print.html

I like to have this information. I don't want to get wrapped-up in it or become obsessive, but I appreciate disclosure about the food I consume. I think it helps me make better choices.

There's a documentary coming out called "Food Inc" about practices of the food industry. There is a trailer on their website: http://www.foodincmovie.com/

A few years back I really enjoyed the film "Supersize Me" about large, fatty portions served at McDonald's. One thing I will say: it's not entirely McD's fault. Humans walk themselves into the restaurants, order whatever they like and proceed to eat too much. That's really the bottom line.

I actually worked my way through college at McDonald's. Yes, they have stuff that is terrible for the human body (I used to love the steak and egg bagel - good thing it's not sold in the Phoenix market!), but they have other choices. In my last semester of college I decided to lose weight. At that time I was working 5-6 days a week and so I was eating there about 2 meals a day. I lost 25 pounds that semester because I made huge changes in what I was eating: almost nothing fried, lots of salads, vegetables on everything, no biscuits and I ate an ice cream cone almost everyday.

It's about choices and knowing that all things are permissible, but not all things are profitable.

Day 11 TW - whoa

2009-07-09T08:18:00.004-07:00

This chapter gave me another moment of revelation. I think God has slowly been working this idea in me for awhile, but just now is is coming all together.

As a younger Christian I had major difficulties with marriages passages in the Bible (like Ephesians 5. 22 and following) because I had grown up in an environment where I was taught that men weren't to be trusted. The Lord slowly got me through that and taught me that honoring my husband, if I were to have one, was an act of worship to the Lord (it really wasn't about my husband at all). Last year, before our wedding, my husband and I went through pre-marital counseling with a couple at our church. I really dug into what "submit" means. The Greek word transliterates as 'hypotasso': 'hypo' meaning 'under' and 'tasso' roughly meaning 'rank'. This is a military term. Soldiers know their rank and file and know they must maintain it for the good of their unit.

I have my own 'rank and file' in my marriage and at my work and I maintain my place (ok, sometimes I fight against it) for the good of my marriage and for the good of my job. What about my 'rank and file' place in the Lord's kingdom?

I've done lots of studies and heard many sermons on Romans 12:1:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship

And I've often heard people comment that the reason why this is so hard for us is because a living sacrifice (in comparison with a dead one) can slink off of the table. I've had a desire for years to offer myself to the Lord, but I was never successful for more than a short while and I didn't understand why.

I think I get it now.

Even though my mouth was saying, "Yes, Lord, I'm Yours," my heart and my mind were off doing their own thing. I said,"Thy will be done," but I never lived in a state of giving my will over. I think I was unable, not just unwilling, but I think I had so much selfish pride hardening me that I did not have the capability to sacrificially follow the Lord.

If I'm convinced that I have to do what my bosses say to keep my job, I'm going to do it. I think I wasn't convinced of my place in the Lord's kingdom. I've got to 'hypotasso' myself to the Lord so He can accomplish what He has planned.

What rambling! It seems so simple and I'm sure it's not so hard for others to understand, but I think I get it now. My job is to obey the Lord in my God-given place in the kingdom. I'm not the master of my body. I didn't make it, I don't make it function and I don't know when it will stop functioning. Only the Lord knows! If I leave it to Him it seems like there's less for me to worry about. I can't believe how blown away I am. Lord, help me to know this Truth, to make it my own and to live it out. You are the best Commander-in-Chief! Amazingly, my 'rank and file' position isn't as just some unnamed foot soldier, no! I am an adopted daughter of the Most High. What an honored place! Thank, God, for teaching me. Help me to follow You when my flesh seems more comfortable and guide me to continually give my will over to Yours. Amen!

Protection

2009-07-07T08:02:00.002-07:00

Over the weekend we studied Ephesians at our retreat. I started reading and looking at the epistle in new ways. First, I began reading it correctly (that is, reading it word-for-word and not adding or deleting anything) and second, I read it with my struggle against gluttony in mind. I think that giving myself a focus, rather than reading it in the abstract, helped me glean more from the passage.

One example of that is Chapter 6.10-18 about the armor of God. I have read this, memorized this and taught this in Sunday school but I never really grasped how I could put on the armor. This time, I decided to apply it to my standing against Satan's attempts to lure me into food idolatry and using food to replace God.

6.10-13
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

This tells me that I have to be strong IN THE LORD. Not in myself or in other, but in Him. Twice in this passage I see that I have to put on the FULL armor of God. Part of it is insufficient. I also learn that the point of this is is to stand my ground against my real enemies, not my body, but against Satan's forces.

14. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

I have to be surrounded by truth. It encompasses me front, back and sides because I've got to know the truth and be ready to stand against lies.

I have to be covered by righteousness. Where do I get that? from Jesus. He is my righteousness. A breastplate covers the vital organs of a warrior and Jesus covers me.

15. and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

I've got to be ready to move wherever the Lord leads me (maybe to change my behaviors or reactions). Jesus is my peace. That is good news.

16. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Faith, belief, is an amazing thing. It directs my thoughts and causes my behavior. Only by believing what god says is true will I be able to stand against the lies and the hurts that Satan will throw.

17. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I have to have my mind full of salvation. Satan will try to sabotage my thinking more than anything. I have to know that I know that I know that my salvation is sure in Christ.

Up until now all of the parts of the armor have been defensive in nature. One part is offensive: the sword of the Spirit, the word of God. His gospel, His story, His good news and teachings. I have to know these so I can use them when needed to strike a blow against Satan's lies.

18. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Usually the armor of God ends with verse 17, but over the weekend I saw the importance of verse 18. I've got to pray. I've got to be in communication with my commanding officer. If I am submitting to Him I have to move as He directs. Can you imagine a soldier running off on his own? He'll get creamed. The same thing will happen to me if I try to stand against Satan without direct communication from God.

This is something that I hope I will come back to time and again. :) It's really good stuff.

***********************************************

On another note:

My husband has commented to me a few times that I have "body issues". He's right. I do. After our retreat I told him how I had spent most of the weekend feeling pretty good and not hating the way I look because of what some of our friends had said. He asked me to elaborate and I told him that I had taken picture with a bunch of friends and one called me 'photogenic' another said I looked 'amazing'. (I'm not trying to justify my feelings based on what others say, this is just the point I'm at right now.) To this my husband replied, "I think you just don't understand how good you really look." My response was to ball my eyes out. Very deep down (and I think this fits into the category of 'fat machinery') I believe that I AM fat and unattractive. That is my identity. I have been told for so many years (often it is me telling myself) how fat, ugly, manly and un-cute I am. It was too difficult for me to sit in and accept the feelings washing over me when my husband said that. I very quickly regained 'control' by making a joke and changing the subject.

This is going to be a tough issue to deal with.

The light bulb goes on and more fat machinery

2009-07-06T07:45:00.002-07:00

Last week I had a personal epiphany when I was reading Day 9 from TW. on page 89 it says:

"He holds your future and longs to give you His hope."

I began meditating on this sentence. He absolutely and eternally holds my future. What does that mean? I know I'll never be perfect in this body, but I know that I will be totally free from sin in heaven. That is my future. That is my hope/assurance. I quote that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" and that I am "more than a conqueror" in Christ, but do I believe it? If I did I would live like a person who knows that my future is free from gluttony. It would be like if an athlete were told, "You'll win gold at the Olympics. It is fore sure. You just have to train now to become that person." The Lord has told me that I'll be free (maybe not until heaven) so I should start living like that free person.

I can't say enough how this is changing my outlook. The other day I wanted a snack that I wasn't hungry for. Rather than whining on the inside "Oh poor me! I have to give up so much!" I said to myself, "The Yvonne of the future, the one freed up from gluttony, doesn't eat like this," and it's easier to walk away.

All that from one little sentence.

I did the Day 10 reading on Saturday. I love the eagle in the chicken yard story. My Sunday school teacher has been using that for years as an illustration of how the right thinking makes all the difference. His famous (well, to those who know him) quote is:

Belief causes behavior.

This weekend was our Sunday school class'/community group's annual retreat. We get out of the heat and head north to the mountains. It's beautiful and serene. We studied Ephesians this weekend and had a lot of fun. I knew going into it that I would face some fat machinery. We always have a ton of food and there is a tradition of having an additional snack table. There is a tendency to eat so many snacks that we're not really hungry for meals. I made a decision before we went that I was not going to spend my weekend living off of the snack table. That doesn't mean that I was going to make the table a taboo (it's not about the snack table), but that I would consciously wait until I was hungry and wait for meals. I'm not going to die or pass out if I don't eat at the exact moment when I get hungry. As it turned out, it was a pretty good weekend for me in the realm of food and I wasn't complaining of being too full like usual. Praise the Lord. This was a huge step for me.

You WERE once darkness, now you ARE light

2009-07-02T09:46:00.002-07:00

This weekend is our annual community group/Sunday school class retreat. We get out of the heat and head up north into the White Mountains of Arizona. We always do an in-depth reading study of some New Testament book. This year we are studying Ephesians (God must really want me to get something out of this book - we just finished a ladies' study of it in April) and I have been assigned Chapter 5 verses 8-21. A couple of people are assigned to each section and we do a little talk about what we've learned with the rest of the group.

Truly, I have read this book and this section many times and there are parts that I felt like I already knew by rote study. This, however, is not the case as the Lord is teaching me, tweaking my understanding, putting it into a new perspective and asking me to apply it along with what I've learned thus far in the TW study.

Verse 8 begins (NASB): for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light

I am certain that every time I've read this before I've inserted my own words making it "for you were formerly IN darkness." NO! I WAS darkness. That was my identity. That was my being, my past and my future until I knew God and then HE MADE ME LIGHT. That is now my new identity and my future.

Next, in verse 11 it says: Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them;

Do you know that I always used to read that as something that I should go do for OTHERS? What I mean is, I took this verse and saw it as a calling to go tell everyone else how dark they are. NO! I am to expose MY OWN DARK DEEDS. I was reading on Rev. Ken Collins' web page and he says this:

"Professed Christians who refuse to sacrifice a momentary advantage to gain an eternal advantage cannot be placing much stock in what Jesus says. What are we to make of a person who professes to trust Christ for eternity, but can’t trust Him for the stretch until five o’clock? To paraphrase John, if you cannot trust Jesus for things that are present, how can you be trusting Jesus for things that are future? My theory is that people who say they trust Jesus for heaven but live in severe anxiety about their present circumstances are deceiving themselves.
Therefore, be children of the light, not children of darkness."

Wow! Can I trust God to sustain me and overcome my addiction to gluttony? If He is able to keep my soul from the depths of hell, do I believe that He will also rescue me from food lust?

Next, verse 16 says: making the most of your time, because the days are evil.

I never understood why the use of the word 'evil'. I think a better rendering of the Greek 'poneros', given the context, would be 'perilous, difficult, laborious or painful'. Times are tough. We live in a fallen world whose ruler wants nothing more than to make us stumble and stop believing in God.

I need to make the most of my time. Let me tell you: when I binge or even just eat too big of a meal I become so wasteful. First, I've wasted food. Second, my energy is gone. Third, I've probably spent a lot of money. Finally, I've lost time. I lose time while doing so much eating, but afterwards I get so sleepy as my body is trying to handle the overload of food that I'm unable to be productive for a few hours.

I don't know how much time the Lord has allotted to me on this Earth, but I have got to get with it. I don't want to look back and see that I could have done more if my face hadn't of been in the fridge the whole time.

Next verse 18: And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit,

Everyone uses this as a call to avoid libations - rightly so, but I think there's so much more. In the footnotes of my Bible it comments that some of the pagan worship in Ephesus at this time was propelled by drunkenness. Maybe they became euphoric, ecstatic and worshipful to their gods. Paul, however, urges the believers in Christ to be filled (read: controlled) by the Holy Spirit.

This morning on my way into work I was pondering this and I came to realize that I am often under the control of food rather than the Holy Spirit. I think about food, I read about it, I watch cooking shows on TV. Sometimes I already start dreaming about the next meal when I haven't finished the current one! I deal with some serious food lust (I love to cook and bake for others, as well). What will I be controlled by? Who will be my master? I can't serve both God and my stomach.

My last comment is on verse 20: always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;

I know that if I were in constant prayer, Bible study or other communion with God I wouldn't feel deprived of food or insanely compelled to go find some. Give thanks for ALL things. Even gluttony because it show me my utter need for the Lord.

Whew! That's a lot of stuff to work on! The Lord never lets us get bored!

2009-07-01T08:07:00.004-07:00

Just a few pictures from our Boston/Bermuda trip:

It rained quite a bit in Bermuda - but we got a little bit of sunshine.

In Boston on a sunny day!

I'm in the stocks in Salem. My husband got a kick out of it.

My husband and I "walking" the Freedom Trail in Boston.

This is my sister, my husband and I at the Top of the Hub restaurant in the Prudential building. we went to celebrate my 30th birthday!

I'm a little behind in my TW reading. Last night I did the Day 7 Emotional Eating exercise. It was really informative. One mechanism in my personal "Fat Machinery" that wasn't listed was apathy. Eating because I just don't care. It happens not when I'm mad or frustrated, but when I just don't want to put out any more effort. I think my battle against apathy will be life-long because it has been a huge part of my growing-up life and it permeates so many aspects (work, friends, family, etc.).

Back from vacation

2009-06-29T16:47:00.002-07:00

Whoo-hoo what a trip! We had such a great time. We saw so much of Boston (yes, in spite of the rain - I even have a sunburn to prove it) and we enjoyed our cruise to Bermuda (even more rain). In the following days I'll put up some photos.

The Lord was really gracious to me on this trip. I wanted to use what I've learned in the TW book outside of my controlled life. On a regular day I can control my activity and food portions, but my schedule was thrown out the window (not that I'm complaining). Like I mentioned before, dinner time was especially hard. I didn't abuse it every night, but I'll be honest - I loved every bite of my celebratory birthday dinner at the Top of the Hub in the Prudential building. I loved a lot of things that I ate. I will say, using the TW keys has helped me to really enjoy foods. Rather than eat everything in sight I eat while it is enjoyable and because of that I have more joy in eating than before.

It was also great to spend so many meal times with my husband - praying together that the Lord will teach us how to eat and how to view food. One key we were given was the use of only one small plate at the buffet on the cruise ship (and also simply not attending the chocoholic buffet at 10pm). That helped us limit our portions. They just seem to throw food at you (and drinks, Bingo, the casino and duty free shopping, but I digress). Plus we actually got a lot of exercise walking around Boston and Bermuda.

I'm not living it perfectly, but I'm glad to say that "Yay! It can be done!" I can eat in a mindful, thankful and healthy manner even on a cruise ship. If the Lord can do that in me what can He not do? :)

Hi from Boston!

2009-06-18T17:43:00.002-07:00

We're having such a great time in Boston! This is my first trip and we are staying with my sister. We've done a LOT of walking - I'd love to figure out how much. On Monday we walked from where my sister lives, in Brighton, to downtown and we walked all of the Freedom Trail. Very interesting! At the end we scaled the Bunker Hill monument in Charlestown -294 steps. I thought it might kill my husband, but he made it! This trip, in part, is for my 30th birthday. To celebrate my sister treated us to a very nice dinner at the Top of the Hub restaurant on the 52nd floor of the Prudential building. Delicious and the view was amazing!

On Tuesday we visited the JFK Library. We thought it was so informative. That evening we went to a Red Sox game (an 8-2 win over Florida). Yesterday we took the ferry to Salem. The ride was so beautiful! The town is cute, but all of the witch museum stuff is pretty campy (and a little creepy to be honest). We went to one very terrible museum - you'd think a whole town dedicated to witches would have their basic history down. Today we went to Harvard and then walked to MIT. My husband got his MBA from a rival business school so, he wanted to check out the competition.

So....Thin Within. I'm going to be honest. I have had a lot of difficulty eating withing 0-5 at dinner. Breakfast has been fine. Lunch has been just the right amount, but dinner has been tough. I have a hard time wasting food. Also, if the food is amazing (and it IS - like at the Hub) I have a hard time stopping. I would love to post a long list of delicious items that I've tried, but I don't want to trip anyone up on food lust! :) I've had a couple of nights (including today - woo hoo!) however, that have been ok.

I'm a little disappointed because, as I think I've mentioned, there is a weight requirement for one of the activities we hope to do in Bermuda next week. We'll see.

I brought my TW book with me and I'll try to check some of the group posts. Have a great week!

The Body of Christ

2009-06-11T09:31:00.003-07:00

I am so thankful that the Lord gave us His Holy Spirit to guide us, unite us and dwell within us. I am glad that He is our paraclete: one who consoles, one who intercedes on our behalf, a comforter or an advocate. It can't get much better than that! I don't have to go to a sacred building, mountain, city or guru - I have access through the blood of Christ to the living God of the universe!

The only way for it to be better is for me to actually go to Him. Praise the Lord, He is living in me! But if I don't maintain relationship with Him it doesn't do a whole lot for me.

I also need to be in relationship with other believers - the body of Christ. This is an amazing gift that we have. Just like our own bodies work to function and keep themselves healthy, the body of Christ takes care of itself. In the same way, if one part of my body doesn't work because it's sick or injured, that affects the rest of my body. Similarly, when we are out of relationship or living in habitual sin we, as 'ill' members of the body affect other believers.

Praise the Lord that our God is the Great Physician. One of God's name is Jehovah-rapha: the God who heals (taken from Exodus 15:22-26). Sure, He heals physical problems, although His ultimate goal is spiritual wellness. As I trust in God to move and change me, He will also heal me. He has already healed me from so much! He has healed me from much anger and bitterness. He has taught me to trust. I now trust Him to heal me from the desires of gluttony and self-focus.

I am so thankful whenever I get to see the body of Christ at work. I have an amazing community group at my church. When there is a need it gets taken care of. I'm enjoying so much the blog posts of the TW study ladies. Who would have guessed 50 years ago that the Spirit would unite the body via the Internet?!

Thank You, Lord, for Your living and active Spirit within me, within us! What a blessing! May I never take it for granted (although I'm sure I can't fathom it's awesomeness)!

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

This weekend I'm leaving on vacation for a couple of weeks. I'll be staying with my sister in Boston for part of the time. If I get a chance I'll blog. Or, maybe I'll just journal and post my thoughts later. The other part of our trip is a cruise to Bermuda (whoo-hoo vacation!). Maybe I'll post some pictures after we return!

And, I'll report on eating 0-5 on a cruise :) Actually, a couple of years ago for my mom's 60th birthday we took a looong cruise through the Panama Canal and I did NOT gain weight. So, here's hoping for the best!

Stepping Up - Psalm 121

2009-06-10T08:39:00.002-07:00

Happy Wednesday!

This morning I dropped my husband off at the airport. He's flying to California for a job interview (I hope it goes well!). I'll pick him up tonight.

The second Psalm in the Psalms of Ascents study is 121. It seems to speak from the pilgrim in the middle of his/her journey towards God. The speaker looks ahead and trusts God for guidance. Below is the HCSB version that we are also memorizing for this study:

1 I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber.
4 Indeed, the Protector of Israel does not slumber or sleep.
5 The LORD protects you; the LORD is a shelter right by your side.
6 The sun will not strike you by day, or the moon by night.
7 The LORD will protect you from all harm; He will protect your life.
8 The LORD will protect your coming and going both now and forever.

Here is my personalization and rewrite of this psalm for this moment in my life:

Looking ahead I wonder how am I going to get through this? But I know that the God who made me (and the whole universe!) will help me (in my journey to overcome gluttony and food idolatry). He will guide me every step of the way. In Him there is no accident. He won't leave me, forget me or go do something else. He will protect me with His power and authority. Neither will put-downs from myself nor negative thoughts from the world be able to penetrate Him. He will guard my spirit and my walk from now until eternity.

What I love about this psalm is that it is about the journey, not the arrival